Why and How to Say No

In order to manifest what we really want, we need to say No to what we don’t want.

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. -Josh Billings

One of the keys to manifesting the life we really want is to eliminate

We need to eliminate so that we can make space for the new things we want to add, manifest, create, attract, start.

We need to clear out the old to make room for the new.

We need to let go of people, projects, activities, groups, clubs, meetings, appointments, dramas, tasks, stuff, that no longer serve us, that make us feel heavy, that drag us down, the deplete our energy, that waste our time, that annoy us, that frustrate us, that make us feel used, that no longer fit us.

Even in our work, we need to let go of the clients and customers that do not fit us, that no longer fit the direction we are going, that ask us to do things for free, that are hard to work with, that drag us down, that don’t earn us money, that are more trouble than they are worth.

We usually feel relieved, excited, happy, and free to let these things, people, drama, activities go. We wonder why we didn’t do this sooner.

NO is very empowering.

Covid-19 is presenting everyone with hardships and challenges. Without denying the seriousness and gravity of the situation, it may be helpful to reframe this as an opportunity, an ideal time, to pause and reflect on what we need to eliminate.

Many of us want to say NO. But, we find it hard to say NO.

Saying NO starts with saying YES to yourself first

Learning to say NO is vitally important to our health, relationships, success, happiness. Learning to say NO allows us to align our lives with our values, what we really want to manifest, who we really want to be, how we really want to live.

One of the biggest blocks we have is wanting to please other people before we please ourselves. Or, feeling obligated to do things for others.

One key to successful relationships is learning to say no without guilt, so that you can say yes without resentment. -Bill Crawford

Do you find yourself using any of these as mental arguments to say YES to things that are not a priority for you? That aren’t important to you? That you really aren’t interested in? That are a “should”?

• I will really disappoint so-and-so if I say NO
• I’ll have to deal with so-and-so’s reactions if I say NO
• I’ll create conflict or drama if I say NO
• So-and-so won’t like me if I say NO
• I might lose my job
• It’s just easier for me and for everyone if say yes
• I really want to please so-and-so
• I really want to be seen as a good employee (or daughter, mother, spouse, friend, club member, etc)

Saying No means accepting responsibility for what we want

We need to accept responsibility for ourselves. We need to accept responsibility for our self-worth, for our values, for our feelings, for our goals, for what is important to us. And, what is not.

No one is coming to our rescue. If we want to manifest the things that matter to us, we have to say NO to the things that don’t.

The oldest, shortest words — ‘yes’ and ‘no’ — are those which require the most thought. - Pythagoras

How do we say NO?

Step 1: Identify the Opportunities

In this initial step we have identified our need to learn to say NO and have made it a goal. What happens is that we start to identify opportunities that have already passed where we could have, and often should have, said NO.

You know what these are. You wish you had said NO. You can think of several times you have said to yourself or someone else, “I never should have agreed to do this.”

It’s that regretful feeling that we didn’t take the chance when we had it. This is an important stage in the process, though, since it instills within us the negative experiences that can result from not having said NO. When enough of those build up, we know we need to say NO in the future.

Now we start thinking ahead to when those opportunities will occur in the future.

Step 2: Be Prepared. Practice Saying NO.

Tone is the hardest part of saying NO. -Jonathan Price

Next time someone asks you to do something, you will want to be prepared with a polite way to say NO. Some of us need to practice the words that feel right, practice the tone, practice the calm, the firmness, the confidence that we want to go with it.

Do this by yourself at home, while waiting in line somewhere, while sitting in your car at a stop light. This sounds silly, but you will want to make sure the words YOU use are right for you, fit you, feel like you. You will feel prepared with your response the next time you are asked to do something you want to say NO to.

Be as brief as possible. Simply state NO and give a quick reason why. DO NOT give long, elaborate responses. No drama or people will just mirror back with all their drama. No reasons. Keep it short and simple.

The Simple NO

“Thanks, but I’ll have to pass on that.” Say it, then be quiet. You don’t want to ruin the effect.

The Gracious NO

“I really appreciate your asking me, but my time is already committed.” Or, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have some other priorities right now.” This is a gentle way to say no.

The “I’m Sorry” NO

“I wish I could, but it’s just not convenient.” Or, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help out at this time.” This technique sometimes gets the other person to apologize for even asking.

The “It’s Someone Else’s Decision” NO

“I promised my coach (or my spouse) that I wouldn’t take on any more projects without discussing it with them first.” This postpones the decision and allows you to decide if you really want to say NO. Only use this technique when you’re not sure if you want to say yes. Pro tip: you can think of me as your “life coach” in this response.

The “Family Is the Reason” NO

“Thank you very much for the invitation. That’s the day of my son’s soccer game, and I never miss those.” Or, “Thanks, but I have family commitments at that time.” Or, “Thanks, but I have family commitments on Thursday nights (or weekends, weeknights, or whatever time is proposed). Good reasons also include birthdays, anniversaries, time with family, etc.

The “I Know Someone Else” NO

“I just don’t have the time to help you right now, but let me recommend someone else I know.” A great way to say no while still helping the person by giving another option.

The ” I’m Already Booked” NO

“I appreciate your thinking of me, but I’m afraid I’m already booked that day.” Or, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I have a regular appointment/meeting at that time.” Use this one especially if you’ve blocked out time for yourself.

Step 3: Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time

At this step, we learn to say NO at the right time — immediately!

Other tips

• Slow down! Think before you respond.
• Plan ahead. If you know you are going to confront someone or a situation, plan what you will say in advance. Practice the words that will fit you, fit the situation
• If a person is persistently asking details about your NO, it is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time. In fact, don’t. Do NOT explain further. Just repeat your NO calmly and your original reason for declining.
• If you are caught off guard and are asked to do something or go somewhere and you don’t particularly want to, say “I wish I could, however, I have an appointment.” Saying with who you have an appointment with isn’t necessary.
• Avoid saying “maybe”. Maybe is only a way of postponing a decision. You’re not playing fair with yourself or others. When you know you want to say “NO”, say it.

No is a complete sentence. It does not require an explanation to follow. You can truly answer someone’s request with a simple no. -Sharon E. Rainey

Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument. -Judith Martin

Saying NO is a muscle that needs developing. It is a learnable skill. One we can master.

And we can be very polite when saying NO. Rather than making us feel guilty, it will begin to make us feel empowered, confident, relieved, free, and proud that we have learned to say NO.

Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset or expects you to say yes all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say no without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions. -Stephanie Lahart

I am a life coach and small business coach. I help others get really clear on the life and work they would love to have, know that they can have it, and help them manifest it. Visit me at https://www.lauraraduenz.com