Why am I stuck in a toxic relationship?

Could I love myself so little? Sometimes, under particular circumstances, we all do.

Being able to tell whether or not a person you’re dating is toxic can save you all sorts of trouble, tears, and suffering. The desire to love and be loved by another person is sometimes so powerful that we refuse to listen to our inner voice.

The alarms are there, the narcissistic behaviors, the lack of empathy, the codependence… Yet, we decide to go on a second, a third date. Some even go as far as to get married before the incredulous gaze of our family and friends.

But could you love yourself so little? Sometimes, under particular circumstances, we all do. Most of us aren’t even aware of it. There’s nothing like a good old nasty breakup to shake your self-esteem, right? But what happens when you’re unknowingly the one who’s ruining your chance to have a healthy relationship?

I never have! And will never do it again.

Every time you caught yourself crying for others, ask yourself: what purpose does this sadness serve you? Why did you feel the urge to go looking for another serving of suffering by taking on someone else’s baggage?

It’s all their fault:

First of all, when everything that’s wrong with your life is someone else’s “fault,” you have to take an in-depth, hard look at yourself. Deep inside, you might be needing to rescue others by postponing your own happiness. On the other hand, you could be refusing to accept responsibility for your actions, which, in addition to being immature, will cause you to lose the opportunity to achieve all the goals and objectives that you may have set for yourself.

Every time you caught yourself crying for others, ask yourself: what purpose does this sadness serve you? Why did you feel the urge to go looking for another serving of suffering by taking on someone else’s baggage?

Take me as I am:

This is a tricky one.

Yes, the person you’re dating should be attracted to you just the way you are. And yet, we all have rough edges to work on. Asking anyone to accept you without pointing out the errors in your life choices is too much to ask, especially if you think about being life partners.

“Take me as I am” and “It’s my way or the highway” are compelling lyrics for quasi-romantic songs, but they are strong indicators that you need to keep working on building a healthy relationship.

Don’t get me wrong! Some things are part of us, inextricably linked to our personality and history. Changing some of those things that are part of your personality’s core can be more than challenging; they can seem downright, insurmountably impossible.

But then again, what am I talking about here? About your ability to accept that you also can improve yourself by doing some personal growth work. There are things about you that the other person may not like, and, above all, the only person with the duty to accept you as you are is yourself. All other agreements, beliefs, and habits can change.

Think about it:

you may be changing just by reading this, and your significant other may or may not like it. The essential question is: do you? Answering that is enough to make peace with yourself. You deserve the freedom to make choices, and so does everyone else.

No one has an obligation to put up with your past, traumas, or bad habits. “Unconditional love” isn’t romantic. It’s unhealthy. I would give you my world.

Yes, just like you, I’m desperately romantic (with an emphasis on desperately). I have turned my life upside down to try to make others happy. What a way to waste my time and chase suffering! Let’s face it, what do you know about what makes another person happy? What could you know about someone else’s needs? Do you know what your needs and aspirations are? Do you respect the way they have chosen to live their lives?

If you are going to make someone happy, make sure it’s yourself.

Not accepting reality:

Remember when I mentioned just a few paragraphs prior that you shouldn’t try to impose your vision of things on someone else? Well, we have to go deeper into this idea. If they cheat on you, belittle you, or mistreat you verbally or physically, there is no room for opportunities.

Blindly trusting that others can change without having evidence to support their commitment to do so is also a way of denying reality. When you are determined to avoid seeing the impact and negative outcomes of holding on to keep a person in your life can have on your future, you’re also choosing to be a toxic person to yourself and those who love you.

Sometimes, we refuse to accept that we are committed to a relationship that takes place only in our minds. Taking things for what they are is a great way to start seeing love from a healthier perspective.

I’m not only referring to love relationships but also to friendships, even family relationships. Do you get the impression that he feels the need to put you down every time you talk to your dad? Do your friends disappoint you? I have news for you! It has happened before, it is happening now, and it will continue to happen unless you decide to change.

How can you do it?

Can I change others? Nope! Well, unless you’re a psychotherapist and you have patients genuinely committed to working on themselves. The rest of us mortals have to settle for accepting others as they are, good and bad.

Does it mean that you have to stand up for them? Sometimes it does, but when the relationship consistently hurts you, it’s time to ask yourself: what are you doing? You’re certainly not a tree. No matter how many years you’ve been together, no matter how many promises they’ve made, you’re not in any obligation to stay in a relationship that’s sending you and your future, down the drain.

Nothing is more toxic than staying with someone you no longer love, whose life you want to change, and with whom you no longer feel comfortable. How can you find the perfect time to end things?

Maybe we can talk about it at another time. But as for now, I can tell you that there is no such thing as “perfect timing.” We only have one life, and we have to make the best of it, starting today.