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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

Why am I a Medium Vampire?

An Attempt Not to Complain

We all know that outrage and anger are the easiest emotions to convey over the ether. As I explained to Roz Warren yesterday, it’s why being a troll is no fun anymore. It’s too easy. And, besides, everyone is doing it, even the president of the United States.

It’s much harder to be positive and pro-social on the tubes. Much, much harder. Really, I’m no good at it. I like to complain. I was born cynical. Well, I’m not sure if I was “born” this way, but I got infected early in life. My mother says that she took me into a florist’s shop to see a minah bird that could talk and I said, “That bird can’t talk. It just knows how to beg in English.”

Imagine my glee when I went to the Tsongas Arena to see Bob Dylan recently and got to hear him sing this:

People are crazy and times are strange I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range I used to care, but things have changed

That, from the guy who wrote:

Come gather ‘round people Wherever you roam And admit that the waters Around you have grown And accept it that soon You’ll be drenched to the bone. If your time to you Is worth savin’ Then you better start swimmin’ Or you’ll sink like a stone For the times they are a-changin’.

Which, when you really look at it, maybe wasn’t that hopeful after all.

Perhaps there is no use in complaining, but if Bob Dylan can persist in expressing his disappointment, why can’t I? Whining may be annoying, but it is usually pretty effective! Ask anyone who has had a child. When a baby is in a high chair crying you will do anything to make it stop. It just keeps crying and you walk around the room picking up objects and presenting them hopefully. “This?” You ask with a big smile holding up some bauble. If the crying continues you start looking again. If the baby wanted you to fill your mouth with mayonnaise and spit it in a long stream straight up in the air you would do that… and all they had to do to get you to do it is KEEP CRYING.

In case you were wondering, I’m going to KEEP CRYING… about MEDIUM

The Publishing Company That Wants to Disrupt Publishing But Doesn’t Understand How Publishing Works

One of my constant complaints about Medium is that they are trying to be a publishing company. I think Medium should focus at least part of their effort on just being the best place on the Internet for people to write. Medium could be to amateur and hobbiest writers what Michaels and Hobby Lobby are to crafters.

Medium is focused on getting readers. I’m not sure why they are so interested in readers. Let’s say Medium’s dream comes true and suddenly all the people who matter in the world start reading Medium every day. So what? I worked at the New York Times. The Times likes to believe that everybody who matters in the world reads The Times every day. Here is what you should know about The Times. When I worked at 43rd Street there was a “mad bomber” on my floor. Some guy would make a horrible mess in one of the men’s room stalls about twice a week. Dirty commode, toilet paper everywhere… a disaster. You’d push the door open a little to see what the fuck was going on and it would look like a crime scene. I have no idea who the guy was. There were a lot of people working on my floor. The world is a strange place. My point is, why does Medium want to have the mad bomber in their men’s room? [If this anecdote doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because it doesn’t make any sense.]

Every time Medium apes “old world publishing” it makes me sad. Old World publishing is a goof. It’s a bunch of Williams graduates wearing bad clothes and talking about book fairs. Medium doesn’t even understand Old World Publishing. If you know anything about publishing you are certain about two things: 1. Cat’s sell 2. Publishing Houses survive on their backlists.

The Backlist, Medium, you stupid motherfuckers, is the catalog of books YOU ALREADY PUBLISHED that you are still selling. The reason Penguin/Random House bought Viking Press in 1975 was for the backlist, which included, among other things, S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders, which has sold over 15 million copies.

Medium does nothing to leverage the backlist. They have no plan, as far as I can see, to do anything with the old content currently housed on their servers. If so, they are operating like a magazine or newspaper rather than a publishing house. They are confusing periodic literature with… literature (I guess)… and everyone knows that periodic literature is ad driven, BUT THEY’RE NOT SELLING ANY ADS.[If the previous “point” doesn’t make any sense to you, it’s because Medium doesn’t make any sense.]

I think that we, the Mediumans, have to take matters into our own hands. I think we should develop a convention for linking to the backlist. I don’t think you should link to more than one post at a time. I also think you should use some fancy graphic and plug the post. Here is my take, but I bet Lon Shapiro can do better.

The Second Complaint

I’ve got to get this one in quick, because I just ate a turkey sandwich and a piece of pie and my glucometer is starting to point to “nap”.

Why did Medium turn me into a Vampire? Why can’t I see myself or my posts on the site? This is what I see:

It’s fine, but I know how that feed could be improved. Here, take a look:

I could go on, but maybe I’ll stop here.