MUSINGS

Why Alcoholism Isn’t Just a One Person-Disease

The Whole Family Is Caught in the Claws of Addiction

Addiction is a perfidious disease. It is all to easy to overlook its other victims. Photo: Oscar Keys, Unsplash.

Addiction is a disease that takes place in secret. The addicts hide their addiction from their family, from the outside world, and yeah, even from themselves. But not only that: the addiction itself hides in more than just one family member.

Not only the addicts are ill. Little by little, their addiction affects the entire family, in small steps and so secretly that not even the members themself notice it.

The addict and the family members influence each other. Everyone takes on a role that ultimately helps maintain dependence. Addiction is a disease that claims more than just one victim: it demands a whole family.

What addiction does to a family

Nowadays, alcoholism is believed to be a family disease. If someone had told me that a few years ago, I would probably have smiled at them tiredly.

I’m not the one who drinks uncontrollably — how am I supposed to be part of this? The systemic approaches of psychology might give you an answer to this question.

These approaches assume that the behavior of a person cannot be considered in isolation from their environment (or, as psychologists would call it: their system). That is because the people of a system influence each other. If a person changes their behavior due to emerging alcohol dependence, the entire dynamic in the family changes too.

So let me show you, what addiction does to each single family member, starting with the addict itself.

What addiction does to the addict

There is an unwritten script for every family member. Photo: Florian Klauer, Unsplash.

Of course, addicts are not born dependent. In the beginning, they may drink only occasionally. They experience the positive sides of it; might become more open-minded and relaxed or they simply use it as a small reward after a hard, long day.

Gradually, however, alcohol takes up more space in their thoughts. They drink more hastily to feel the pleasant effect faster. It may come to the first memory gaps. They hide their consumption. They start losing control.

This does not go unseen. Others slowly notice the problematic consumption of the addict. Problems arise in relationships and in the workplace, they might even lose their jobs. In the worst case, social decline and days full of binge drinking follow.

Nevertheless, addicts deny their dependence. The lack of insight into their disease is part of it. From their point of view, there is no problem. Because if there was, they would have to stop drinking. And at that point, they can’t just give up alcohol.

What Addiction Does to the Partner

The alcohol-related breakdowns of the addict initially only occur rarely. For this reason, partners often downplay the consumption at first, deny it, or simply do not notice it.

At some point, however, the problem can no longer be overlooked. Partners often first try to reach addicts with love and understanding. If this does not work, quarrels and (empty) threats follow. But all rescue attempts remain unsuccessful.

But leaving the addict? Unthinkable. The reasons for this are manifold: finances, children, the fear of being alone. Or they simply love their partner and don’t want to give up hope on them.

Instead, they react to the increasing loss of control of the addict — with increasing control attempts: they control how much the addict drinks. They no longer buy alcohol, so there’s none in the house. Or they buy it to control the amount of alcohol that’s in the house. Or they simply hide it or get rid of it (by flushing it down the drain, for example) as soon as it’s in the house. They might even excuse the addicts at work or take over their tasks at home.

A downward spiral also begins for the partners. They withdraw from friendships and reduce activities outside the home. Their everyday life is determined only by the alcohol problem of their partner. Behind this is the desire for a normal family life.

But through the numerous control and protection attempts, they unintentionally allow the addict only one thing: further alcohol abuse. Because through the ongoing support of their partners, addicts never experience the full consequences of their addiction. For many, however, this is a necessary step in order to gain insight into their disease.

What Addiction Does to Children

And then… then there are the children. Both parents are preoccupied with the addiction and their needs all too quickly fade into the background. They don’t get the attention they need.

But in contrast to the addict’s partners, they cannot simply leave, because they are dependent on their parents. They are therefore completely at the mercy of their parents alcoholism and codependency, respectively. And as if all this wasn’t bad enough, completely twisted roles are forced on them.

They take on adult roles. They perform parental responsibilities to find comfort and stability. Or they accept whatever may be happening at home without emotional involvement in order to escape family problems.

With care, support, humor, or even delinquency, they divert attention away from the burdens caused by their parent’s alcohol abuse. The children take on all these roles at the expense of their own development. They often carry the consequences of this with them for the rest of their lives.

So addiction is much more than the illness of a single person: addiction is when family roles shift and generational boundaries are crossed. Addiction is when the thinking and feeling of all family members changes.

Addiction always has profound, destructive effects on the entire family. Addiction is when an entire family gets sick, infested with alcohol, secretly, without realizing it.

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