PART ONE — TRUTH OR KINDNESS?

Should You Choose Truth Over Kindness?

Should you protect someone from the truth if it would leave them heartbroken?

SPOILER ALERT — This blog contains a spoiler alert and triggers of child sex abuse.

Note From Ari

I often speak on the importance of telling the truth, but this documentary left me with many questions. It took me over a week to publish this blog because there was so much to ponder. I wanted to write this blog because it leads to a much needed conversation regarding morality, truth, and deceit.

Tell Me Who I Am

About a week ago, I watched a documentary on Netflix titled “Tell Me Who I Am.” It was about an 18-year old identical twin (Alex) who was in an accident. The incident landed him in a coma. When he awakened, he had amnesia. He only remembered his identical twin, Marcus.

He didn’t know or recognize his parents, friends, home, or anything. He was solely dependent on the word of his twin. So Marcus began to teach Alex how to dress, cook, clean, turn on and off the television, etc. He told him about family holidays, and school trips and finally introduced him to his friends (and girlfriend). There is so much to dissect in this film, but I want to focus on one main idea for this blog: truth or kindness?

Marcus lied to Alex and manufactured their past, and once both parents died, the truth came out. The twins had been sexually abused by their mother and sold to others for sex. Alex was not aware of any of this because he didn’t remember. In fact, Alex liked his mother after awakening from the coma. He thought she was funny, loud, and entertaining.

When Alex discovered what happened, he was devastated, hurt, betrayed, and angry. The only person (in the world) he trusted lied to him for nearly 20 years. Marcus tried to explain his point of view. He didn’t want to tell Alex what happened and upset him. Additionally Marcus didn’t want to relive it. So he created a fake past life to protect him.

Truth or Kindness?

Honestly, the situation with Alex and Marcus stomped me because I have empathy and understanding for both sides. Alex felt betrayed because he blindly trusted his brother. Marcus felt sadness and guilt because Alex was upset. But he genuinely thought he was doing the right thing by protecting his brother. So, who is wrong and right in this situation? Alex or Marcus?

Initially, I agreed with Marcus because my siblings and I were sexually abused. If one of my younger siblings came out of a coma and didn’t remember, out of kindness, I wouldn’t tell them either. But as I continued watching the film, I quickly realized that Marcus continuously lied and deceived Alex for many years after his incident.

This is where things get tricky. Would you tell an infant his parents were bank robbers? That would be silly because the baby wouldn’t understand. That was the same case with Alex. So, I can understand why Marcus would not disclose their sexual abuse initially. But then there is the question of the lies. You can only hide the truth with a lie. And in Marcus’ case, the lies and deceit kept piling higher and higher. Everything he told Alex was fabricated. He even showed him photos to backup his fairytales. Did Marcus go too far?

Alex or Marcus?

After sitting with this one for a while, I decided that Alex had a right to know. It was unfair for Marcus to keep the abuse from Alex for nearly two decades. Of course, Alex couldn’t comprehend what happened when he was just out of the coma, but what about three, four, or five years later?

But there is another layer to this — Marcus still had some explaining to do because he lied. If Alex couldn’t handle the truth early on; did Marcus have the right to lie? I thought about this as well, and there is no easy answer. How can we really say what we would have done in Marcus’ situation?

Knowing myself, I would have found it too difficult to lie. I probably would have done some deflecting or danced around the question. For example, Alex asked if they had a happy childhood. I probably would have said, “We have a house, a room, and meals to eat. Those can be happy things.” It would have been too hard to directly lie to Alex. But that doesn’t make me any better than Marcus; I found his situation heartbreaking.

A Personal Story — I Chose “Kindness”

Years ago, someone passed along devastating news about a friend’s spouse. Everyone in the community knew about it, but I was one of the last to know because I mostly stayed to myself (and avoided gossip). The news was gut-wrenching and would have destroyed her.

Since I knew her personally, I knew she was suffering from severe stress, emotional abuse, and loneliness. Even though her marriage was a disaster, she felt obligated to her husband since she was a devout Christian.

Should an act of “kindness” leave one feeling guilty? If so, be careful, it’s probably fear.

The news was too uncomfortable, so I didn’t say anything to her. Every time I saw her, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I chose kindness over the truth. And that “kindness” ate me up from the inside out. I have no idea what happened to their marriage because we lost contact.

That was before I seriously began my spiritual journey and healing, but still, I wonder, Should I have spoken up? In retrospect, I would have sent an anonymous email or letter; I should have done more. The worst part is the news would have given her enough to get out of that union and start a new life. I had to ask God for forgiveness because I was wrong, and if things were reversed, I would have wanted to know. I allowed fear to paralyze and keep me silent.

Someone asked me if I would choose truth over kindness. All these years later my answer is yes. Many times, in thee situations, kindness is not kind at all. It is fear wearing a mask. And if we are not telling the truth, we are embracing a lie.

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© Ari Love, 2023