LOVE & THUNDER

Why a 10-Year-Old Tesla Model S Should Be Your Next Familymobile

Inside Our Decision to Take a Large-Family Ride on the Sporty Side

Our oldest two sons, our Irish twins, went to college this fall. But there was no traditional sendoff with the whole family crammed into a minivan, packed to its roof with dorm essentials. With six- and eight-hour drives ahead of our sons, respectively — and with four remaining sibs at home —there wasn’t much time to help them move in. Off they flew in their own, crammed-to-the-gills teenagemobiles.

Two down, four to go!

Now we are six. And while we still drive plenty, we no longer need an 8-seater Honda Pilot to ferry us all at once.

The Pilot’s been good to us over the years — carrying teammates, friends, and sometimes even a muddy stray pet we’ve found wandering the neighborhood. (Shoutout to Poopsie, our would-have-been fur baby.) But I’m tired of paying out the rectum for gas, and my Costco hauls are light(er) now. Plus, our 16-year-old daughter gets her license in a month. Enter Used Car Search #3 in as many years.

You can’t have six kids in 2023 without a heapin’ helpin’ of frugality. And so visions of my husband’s well-beloved EV, a five-year-old Tesla Model 3, came calling. But whereas we don’t want the Clampetts’ Swamp Rat, the Model 3’s current iteration is not a cheap car, either. This model — even used — only goes back to 2017, and our pathologically thrifty family doesn’t typically “do” new. Still, I drool over the Roadster-style nose and Ultra-Red paint option of the 2024 Model 3.

Damned Twitter vids of the Tesla Roadster might as well be clips of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth. Hit me up for some love and thunder in that p*ssy wagon, Thor. [External link.]

Whew! Anyway.

Bling Bling or Boxing Ring?

So, what to do with these Rivian wishes and caviar dreams? My husband and I are already sold on the eco benefits of EVs. In other words, we’re anchored high for price. But regardless of make or model — and whether they’re factory-fresh, used, or ridden-hard-and-put-away-wet — we drive our vehicles into the dirt. Full stop.

There are other physical factors to consider. My everyday driving involves me plus three — our youngest boys, aged 10, 8, and nearly 5. That’s still a lot of kids for a Tesla Model 3. With 2–3 sons in a midsized-to-small sedan backseat, there’d be far too many rounds of punching and kicking for my liking — if not a never-ending match of slap-ass.

We also like to bring friends along.

Third row? Yes, please.

Inexpensive, Large Sedan Got Back

A small sedan is out for us. So, what are the choices for a lower-budget, third-row EV? There aren’t as many options as I’d hoped. I’d love to drive a spanking new SUV just as much as the next spoiled housewife, but at nearly $100k (including taxes) MSRP for the large R1S? To start? We could pay a few years’ tuition and student housing with that noise.

It’s worth mentioning that EVs and plug-in fuel cell vehicles earn tax incentives in the United States; as of 2023 there is a $7,500 tax credit for new ones, and for certain used vehicles the credit is 30% of the sale price, for a maximum of $4000. This will apply to clean vehicles until at least 2032. (Details for new and used clean vehicles are here [external links].)

Now for seating. The math doesn’t math if you have more than two or three small humans to haul, right? Wrong. Yes, the base model for the Tesla S has just five seats. But for us larger families, there is a rarer configuration with 7 passengers — courtesy of two, rear-facing jump seats.

Tesla discontinued the rear-facing 3rd-row option in the 2012 Model S. However, it’s rumored that not many purchasers of the new model wanted third-row jump seats.

At around $20k (with 100k miles, and in good condition) a decade-old Model S is now within reach for a middle-class family. Tesla should offer jump seat and bumper upgrades, à la carte.

It’s a timeworn conclusion that a gently-used internal combustion engine minivan is the most economical option for a family of 5+. But the cost of ownership of the EV is far lower. With free supercharging for the life of the 2014 S, which automatically transfers to me as its new owner, my MILF Mobile’s total cost of ownership will break even with a $6,000 used ICE car after just three years.

if you grew up in the 1960s, you’ll remember rear-facing station wagon seating. Judging from the abundance of nostalgic threads on Reddit, people are still into that shit. But minivans? Far less sexy.

I’ll say it louder for the folks in the back: moms want to be sexy, too, y’all.

In the Tesla S, the third row is located in the trunk itself and is best for kids under 10, as such. Still, for many large families, there are significant swaths of time where this option is helpful.

Finding a used, 7-seater S ain’t easy. But there’s a hack if you need (or just like the option of) 3rd-row seating: the hardware exists on all models, hiding in the trunk beneath a layer of pile.

You can buy a set of rear jump seats on eBay and install those bad boys, or have them installed — along with the necessary, steel-reinforced bumper. YouTube can help [external link], liability disclaimers notwithstanding.

As of this writing, Tesla does not sell new jump seats separately. You’ll have to buy them from a third party Model S owner who doesn’t use their trunk seats anymore. Climate control, too, is lacking in the far rear. But for your 37–52" tall, youngest kid and his BFF from school, who only rides with you once in a blue moon — the jump seats are perfect.

Safety Dance

One of the biggest considerations for choosing a family vehicle — if not the biggest — is whether it holds up in an accident. Should the rear-facing seat arrangement have gone by the way of the 1975 AMC Matador? Or are trunk seats a reasonably sound option, after all?

While in any Model S, the youngest rear-facing jump seat occupants sit too low to see jack squat, their safety harnesses are the five-point kind. This makes a convertible-type car seat or booster seat redundant. Note: If carsickness is an issue, it’s prudent to rotate passengers on longer trips.

In 19 years of momming, I’ve found that the younger the kid, the less likely he is to barf on his brother in a Scrambler ride, though.

The CDC agrees [external link].

There’s also the bumper to think of. In the factory-ready 7-seater, there is a stronger, steel-reinforced rear fender to protect against rear crunches. Thus, when a set of seats is added to a 5-seater, a sturdier bumper must be retrofitted, too.

The seats and bumper upgrade cost around $2k for parts.

What About Jack Frost?

Ignore the fake news. EVs do just fine when they’re old and cold. Sure, the range of an older electric car is less than that of its new counterpart in any climate. But that’s also true for internal combustion engine models. And for context, the range of a Tesla Model S with 100,000 miles on it is still over 200 miles per charge.

I’m calling bullshit on this winter traffic jam trope —

If you turn down the heat and bundle up in the warm gear you should have when driving anywhere in the winter —most EVs run for longer between fuel-ups than gas cars.

Time will tell if my used Tesla Model S’s projected range holds up over the next decade. But for my money, I’m thrilled so far. And I’m in good company, too. Of CarMax’s top ten used EVs of 2023, four are Tesla models [external link]. Furthermore, contrary to pro-ICE lore, one Tesla Model S battery can last 300–500k miles.

We brought our new familywagon on a Thanksgiving road trip to San Diego from Santa Cruz. And only stopped to charge twice. Boom. *Lightning bolt*

Now, if I can just hire Thor as a manny.

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