Who’s Looking Out For The Children?
Why do parents put themselves first?
We’ve all seen it happen—a nasty divorce. Accusations fly. Bystanders choose sides. And in the middle, the children. Divorces happen, they are hard on children. Don’t make it harder by using your child as a pawn.
I’m a child of divorce.
I’ve been around a lot of children of divorce. Some have been family members, some have been friends. As a counselor, I have clients who are divorced parents or children of divorce.
My siblings and I were lucky. Only two of us were still minors (aged 16 and 12). The divorce was sad, but there was not an ugly custody battle. My parents put their children first, and physical custody was fluid, depending on where each particular child needed to be.
We also made it clear we expected our parents to be civil to each other, and 30+ years later, we can have family events with both parents and their spouses in attendance. I’m not saying it was a perfect situation, but our parents made sacrifices to do what was best for us.
There are good and bad divorces.
I’ve seen amicable divorces and nasty divorces. When children are involved, it’s always best to put the children's needs above your own. Unfortunately, some people are not capable of doing this.
Below are composite examples of divorced families I have known. The following stories will use pseudonyms and will change information, if necessary, to protect privacy.
Putting the kids first:
Bob and Katrina had every reason to have a bitter divorce. There was infidelity involved, and it would have been understandable if the “wronged” parent had fought to keep the children from the other parent.
Fortunately, both parents chose to put their children first. Bob and Katrina shared custody and rotated holidays. Both parents treated the other with respect, and neither made negative comments about the other to the children.
In other words, Bob and Katrina behaved as adults. Their children are grown and can celebrate milestones with both parents in attendance.
Terry and George also had reasons to be bitter. They handled their divorce the same as Bob & Katrina, but in this example, one parent allowed the other to keep the children for most of the day on holidays.
This selfless parent did this because they knew the ex-spouse had a large, close-knit family, and they wanted their children to grow up and experience this. These children are well-adjusted and know their parents always put them first.
Learning to co-parent:
Walter and Diana had a rough time in the beginning. There was a lot of pain, and it was difficult for them to be around each other. There was every reason to believe their children would grow up as pawns in their relationship.
Walter and Diana figured it out. They treated each other with respect and didn’t poison their children against the other. Their behavior paid off when Walter remarried. Diana eventually began attending Sunday night family dinners at the home of Walter and his new wife.
Walter’s stepchildren consider Diana a second mother since she is the mother of their step-siblings. The children all benefitted from the adults putting their egos aside and agreeing to co-parent.
I will never forgive her.
Greg and Lucille’s marriage ended when Lucille was unfaithful. Lucille owned her infidelity from the beginning. She agonized over her choices, but she knew she could not stay married to Greg. Affairs usually don’t happen in happy marriages.
Friends of the couple vilified Lucille. She worried about her children's welfare and was careful to wait a considerable amount of time before introducing them to her significant other.
Over the years, she answered difficult questions truthfully. Lucille was also careful not to disparage Greg in front of their children. She wasn’t perfect, and she knew it. She just tried to make things as easy for her kids as possible.
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Greg never got over the divorce. His hatred for Lucille was on full display, and he took pains to punish her in any way he could. Greg told his young children their mother was a terrible person daily, even after he remarried.
As the children got older, they began to see the differences in their parents' behavior. One by one, they began to spend all of their time with their mother to avoid their father’s toxic behavior.
The last child moved out at age 18 when he realized his father was having an affair. His father had spent most of his childhood telling him what an awful person his mother was for having an extramarital affair. The son recognized the hypocrisy and left when his father refused to be honest with him.
Greg’s refusal to put his children first eventually resulted in all of the children severing their relationship with him. Only time will tell if Greg can re-establish a connection with his children.
He’s the villain
David and Paige have three children, including one they adopted from an abusive family who grew up to have severe behavior issues. Raising a son with special needs was difficult for both parents, and there wasn’t a manual for handling this. Most people would have trouble dealing with what they went through.
As their adoptive son reached adolescence, he became more difficult to handle and became a threat to the other children. David’s frustration came out in anger, and he used alcohol to escape. Ultimately their son ended up in a residential facility, and their marriage ended.
Paige advised David their son would live with him when his treatment ended. She wanted a divorce. Their situation was challenging, and no one would blame Paige for needing to escape. One might even have compassion for her leaving her adopted son.
David was devastated and immediately quit drinking and began counseling. Paige kept his other minor child from him and poisoned both of their biological children against their father. She couldn’t keep his youngest daughter away from him forever since she was a minor. David was slowly able to rebuild his relationship with his youngest daughter since he had access to her.
David continues to reach out to his oldest daughter, but she refuses to speak with him. David’s youngest daughter has shared examples of her mother’s disdain for David and confirmed they are discouraged from having a relationship with him.
Paige portrays David as the villain and gets upset each time the younger daughter spends time with him. Although they are both adults, both girls have continued to suffer from their mother’s hatred for their father.
Neither Greg nor Paige are my clients, so my opinions are those of an outside observer. I also recognize no one but the two people in a marriage know what goes on in the relationship. I do have an opinion on the behavior of these two parents.
I feel Greg continues to vilify Lucille to avoid any responsibility for the failed relationship. His ego makes it difficult for him to comprehend why she would want to leave him. The only way he can reconcile this is to place all blame on Lucille.
Paige recognizes walking away from her son makes her look like a bad parent. Her solution is to paint David as the villain. Even years after the divorce, she maintains this stance. Her predicament was impossible, and, understandably, she wanted a divorce.
Although I am not her counselor, I feel walking away from her son may have been necessary for her mental health. Greg has addressed his issues and turned his life around. He deserves to have a relationship with his children, and Paige is the one person who could encourage that, but she chooses not to.
When I counsel divorced parents, I remind them that they need to put their children first. Yes, their ex-spouse may be a villain. Some of them may be actual criminals or abusers. Their children will figure this out on their own. Making the other parent the villain could backfire, as it did for Greg.
Be the adult. Set your feelings aside and do what is right for your children. You are certainly within your rights to keep your child safe and keep them away from a dangerous parent. If the only danger is your bruised ego, get over it.