Whooooo Did It?

Summary

Allison and Brett, a couple living on a 12-acre farm, investigate a mysterious brown spatter on their dining room window, using forensic techniques inspired by crime scene investigation.

Abstract

On a rainy morning, while Brett enjoys his coffee and contemplates dinner plans, Allison is preoccupied with the mysterious spatter on their window, which she initially attributes to bird activity. However, the pattern of the spatter doesn't match typical bird droppings, leading Allison to research spatter patterns on the internet. Drawing from her knowledge of the TV series "Dexter" and forensic science, she uses triangulation to deduce that the spatter originated from the left side of their deck, suggesting a source larger than a small bird. The narrative captures Allison's curiosity-driven investigation amidst the couple's daily life on the farm, where tasks are abundant and the weather disrupts their outdoor plans.

Opinions

Allison is intrigued by the mystery of the spatter and is determined to solve it, showing her inquisitive nature.
Brett seems more focused on practical matters like dinner and less interested in the spatter investigation.
The couple's farm life is depicted as busy and challenging, with an endless list of tasks that can't all be completed.
Allison's interest in the spatter pattern indicates a preference for intellectual engagement over immediate concern for household chores.
The author humorously compares the spatter investigation to a crime scene analysis, highlighting Allison's creative approach to problem-solving.
Allison's engagement with forensic techniques suggests a fascination with unconventional knowledge and its application in everyday life.

The strange case of the stealth pooper

Sipping his after-breakfast coffee that rainy morning, Brett— full from his breakfast of bacon and fried eggs — sits at the breakfast counter, iPad open to Apple news, radio blaring NPR news in the background. Koukla, their tiny black and white Shih Tzu (or shit-chew, if you’ve ever known one personally), sleeps on a sofa cushion, digesting her breakfast too. It’s the first of many naps for this lazy day on the farm. Brett heaves a sigh. “What’s the deal on dinner tonight?” he asks.

“Let’s clean out the bottom drawer of the freezer and find out,” Allison retorted. “I’m sure there’s something down in there that might still be edible.” Her mind was not on food this rainy day. Well, maybe it was, but in a different sense. She wanted to be out in the garden, but Nature had other plans, having sent high winds, pouring rain and even sleet. April showers, she mused. How are we supposed to get May flowers if I can’t get out to plant seed?

On their 12-acre farm, there was always too much to do. In no way was it ever going to be possible for the two of them to keep up with the maintenance of the landscaping, the gardening, painting the barns, whitewashing the stable fences, chopping firewood.

The list was endless. She decided that impossible tasks were best left undone, and instead proceeded to inspect some splattered brownish something on the dining room window.

Mystery mess, photo by Adelia Ritchie

Brett thought it was bird poop from nesting activities under the eaves. A couple years back, he had installed nail boards to prevent the barn swallows from covering the house in mud nests, but Allison knew those little guys were not the source of this huge mess. The spatter had an odd pattern, as if a wet muddy floor mop had been violently shaken towards the window, but neither of them could remember any such event.

Stoked with curiosity, and remembering that bizarre TV series “Dexter,” Allison already knew something about spatter patterns, and dove into the internet to learn more. She was determined to discover the source of those muddy/poopy spatters and perhaps learn something new in the process.

She typed “spatter patterns” into her browser and nearly drowned under the tsunami of links to blood spatter patterns and the analyses thereof. Shades of forensic pathology!

Gunshot patterns, bloody handprints, drips and drops scrolled by. And then, spatters on walls! The patterns matched exactly! She could find the actual source by triangulation based on the directions of the spines and satellites and tails!

NFSTC. “A Simplified Guide to Crime Scene Investigation,” National Forensic Science Technology Center, September 2013, image used with permission from NFSTC.

Clearly, deduced from the directions of the spines, the spatter originated from somewhere on the deck, from the left. No, it was not from a typical tiny bird hanging around overhead under the eave. The mystery deepened.

Meanwhile, Brett had pulled a couple of t-bone steaks out to thaw for dinner.

At that same instant, the timer on her phone buzzed her back into the present, and she stopped composing her daily 30-minute writing exercise about spatter patterns. Frowning at the interruption, she wondered what kind of spatter she would see if she threw that juicy steak against the wall — because, well, she just needed to know.