Who Wears Pants in Your Loving Family?
Especially when you’re living and working abroad
It’s remarkably funny how working women are still subject to subtle or not-so-subtle biases from time to time. It’s not always opinions.
But seemingly innocent questions.
My blood boils at them, no doubt. But then I was thinking, what if I could magically motivate myself to take a breath and watch from afar? Then I can laugh at it. No, I don’t mean laugh in the sense I brush it off but use it as a teaching moment.
Read on to know about my devious plan to answer such questions in the future.
First, The Uneasy Question
The picture above was a proud moment as my husband graduated in 2017. From HEC Paris.
“How did you support each other through your international careers?” is what I am asked most often. Before I share my experience, I want to tell you what didn’t help.
It’s other people’s perception of how it should be, whether at work or outside.
A question I was often asked early in my career was: ‘Who has the lead career at your home?’ It made me uncomfortable. It was a more subtle version of “Who is the head of your family or who wears pants in your family?”
For starters, it seemed directed at women with partners. My husband wasn’t being asked this.
Indulge me for a bit. Let’s say I answer mine is the lead career. Does it mean my spouse will chill at home or tag along where I go? If I say it’s my spouse’s career that is the lead, then it implies I’m working to kill time and pay some bills (hopefully).
How did you respond to this question, if asked in some form?
Why was it uneasy?
The question perplexed me. I kept mum on the outside.
It came in many forms from many people.
The question screamed bias. It may have been relevant years ago. It establishes one partner as the leader and the other partner as a laggard. This, to me, is a scarcity mindset.
All it did was make me wary if such a need ever arises.
It made me appreciate how easy it was to tackle nosy relatives in India. Their opinion is easy to ignore once you establish the pattern of a fixed mindset.
We all can picture the relative who thinks you shouldn’t smile in your wedding pictures. Or the relative who thinks you should stop working after you have kids.
What? You don’t have those. Don’t tell me please, I am the only one.
My reality
Our reality has been different. We have managed international dual careers for over a decade.
- When he was studying, mine was the lead career. And when I was tending to a newborn, he was. It was obvious, no discussion was needed :) Both situations were short-term, not everlasting.
- Other than this, we took up opportunities based on what we wanted to learn, not based on whose was the lead career. This meant making tough choices, like leaving countries where this couldn’t happen.
- The more relevant conversation is about who will provide stability, and who will take a risk. You can’t both be flying at the same time.
We honestly didn’t have a ‘lead career’ conversation because we didn’t need it.
Lastly
In an equal partnership, both partners have shared responsibilities and make equal decisions. There is no imbalance of one person leading in one area, such as work or non-work.
It means you are not the only one making dinner every night or the only one starting your career from scratch in a new country or after a break. You are also not the only one packing up a suitcase and following someone to another corner of the world.
Equality could mean whatever the hell you want it to. And what better place to start than our own home?
To do this as a team, only you both decide what it looks like for you and then go about it.
Why wear pants alone when you can share the burden? Wait, this is how I’ll answer the question. Why lead alone when you can share it and have 10X more fun?
Download my free e-book on ‘Navigating International career transitions at the link below.
