Who Turns You On?

Self-knowledge is helpful when it comes to figuring out what kind of people you’re attracted to

What’s your type? Your arousal template, as the esteemed Dr. Patrick Carnes says, is ‘a total constellation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.’

Carnes is the grand-daddy of the treatment of sex and love addiction, and when he comes up with a definition like that, it pays to pay attention.

I’ve read all his books and studied under his daughter, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, who is carrying on the great work that her father pioneered in the ’80s of training people like me to become certified sex addiction therapists.

Another excellent writer on the subject of sex-addiction treatment is Dr. Alexandra Katehakis who writes on the subject of arousal template in Psychology Today: ‘This constellation encompasses vast categories of stimuli that come from our early experiences with family, friends, religious affiliations, media, and teachers.’

We know that a lot of what gets us turned on lies deep in the subconscious — their height (I love very tall men), the texture of their skin (super-soft for me), their body shape, the sound of their voice. The list goes on.

Once I realized why I was attracted to tall men — think, little girl, looking up at her towering dad — I managed to see why I was also attracted to unavailable men. Dad again.

I used to go out of my way to get his attention. He was an artist and quite good at painting portraits. I sat for him for hours and hours, giving up my playtime just so I could spend time with him while he painted many portraits of me over the years. He said I was good at sitting still compared with my sisters and this was music to my ears, so desperate was I for affirmation.

But even though I loved him dearly I sensed that he didn’t love me in return — possibly because the trauma that he suffered in WWII led him to use alcohol to numb himself.

Both Dad’s brothers were killed by enemy fire in that war and Dad got an honorable discharge from the army and went off to rehab before coming home to New Zealand where there was no real help.

I felt terribly hurt and betrayed when he would batter me — he and Mum metered out their particular form of punishment that they called ‘thrashing’ and probably were thrashed as kids themselves.

I love Philip Larkin’s poem This Be the Verse which starts off ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to but they do.’

And another quotable dude, Luke, in the Bible reckons he was quoting Jesus who said ‘Forgive them for they know not what they do’, referring to his persecutors who tortured him to death on a cross. Whether it’s true or not, it’s what we journos call ‘a good story’.

I’ve forgiven my parents — they really didn’t know what they were doing and fervently believed they did everything for us, ungrateful kids x 4.

In my own recovery journey, I’m working on why I’m often propelled towards unavailable men. These are men who hurt me:

emotionally (just like Dad who later confirmed what I thought, that he stopped loving me when I ‘went off the rails’ — i.e. acting out my pain as a wayward teenager and starting a lifelong investigation into mood-altering substances;

physically (in this process I had my retina detached, eardrum broken, and experienced non-consensual sex);

and the worst of all, being abandoned (just like Dad had done when he withdrew his love as a result of my ‘bad’ behavior).

So, my arousal template — guys who unconsciously remind me of Dad — is a bit of a conundrum.

It’s an interesting process, however, changing this behavior. It sure doesn’t happen overnight. My progress is measurable when I can spot the unavailability of the man I’m attracted to and call time on the emerging relationship.

This can cause pain.

It’s a little like the pain experienced by someone with dependence on a drug when they stop using that drug. It’s called withdrawal. Letting go of an unavailable man while you’re falling for him is not easy.

Perhaps a topic for another story some time.

Thanks for reading.

Find me at www.solutionsauckland.com

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