Who Taught You How to Swim?

I’m afraid to lose the self I built in other’s eyes…

What are judgments but opportunities for disappointment? My feelings so disjointed, they say we’ve been anointed. I must have missed appointments.

I’m feeling hope is pointless. But that’s because I’m tryna answer questions that I shouldn’t ask. I excavate my past. Am I fated to ever find a place to last? A place to crash? Comfortably… Not so violently I’m done with streets. Afraid of driving, I never know what moving means. T boned a month ago, survived by two degrees. I still feel unease, because I wouldn’t be survived by two degrees. People would look at me how they would a flea. An inconsequential cog in cruise machines. A system out of control that leads to defeat.

Unless you’re one of the lucky ones, who’s ancestors weren’t stuck in sun and have a greater chance of getting something done. I was fighting something and the something won. But I’d rather give up life than keep on running from. Running from means your life’s done before its begun.

The finish line will always be on the other side. You can only reach it when you realize you keep the fear alive. You keep it kicking by basing so many decisions on trying to avoid the consequences of derision that will tear you up inside and make you conscious of division.

Between who you want to be and who you are. Cut into two but only you can see the scars. And who will win out? Of this there’s always been doubt Seems to me though the higher self has been down to make a change. Society’s demons force its head to bend down and take its name.

There’s a lot in a name. Why you think they changed ours? More powerful if the brain is where the chains are. A sour soup that could tame you to where the cranes are. Bird brains that pick up dirt and strain hard. To make something out of the nothing that’s been given us.

I wanna build myself but they won’t give the rivets up. I try to nail something down, they come and pick it up. I’m looking for a ford to cross but its getting tough. The water’s raging and my fear of it is picking up.

How can I cross over to the other side when I’m afraid to die? Afraid to lose the self I built so I could fit in other’s eyes. I look down at my feet, the mud in which I’m starting to sink. I could take a step and become washed by this creek. But getting clean isn’t my concern, its getting lost in the deep.

They threw me out here but never taught me to swim. Something we know innately but all these breaks from reality and we lost it again. Have to lose faith in these fallacies, toss their whims to the wind. Gain faith in the consciousness that listens to the wind. And understands that this path somewhere I won’t walk again. Besides this path is interrupted by this offer to swim, this offer to win.

But will I take it? Or run off with the demons to try and fill my coffers again?