Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

It was me. In disguise.

Almost like a multiple personality disorder. Or a bad dream. But at least when you wake up you realize — this can be fixed.

Ever ended up thinking— “Who stole the proverbial keys to my kingdom?” Maybe you stop recognizing yourself?

Then you pause. Take stock. Seek knowledge. Try and do some self-work. And you discover that concepts exist that you had no idea about. Now you can begin to use them and have a better life, rise to a better version of yourself — in your closest relationships, mentally, in fitness, professionally, etc. How did you lead half your life without these, and still make it half decently?

And it’s simple stuff too.

So without further adieu... let’s try and “uncrumble” that stolen cookie.

Core Values -> Standards -> Boundaries -> Better me

Never doing a values introspection on ourselves leads us away from ourselves. Not having controls in place to protect those values (Standards, Boundaries), causes uninformed decision-making and an unintentional life. Eventually causing us to spend time on pointless activities, and pointless people, at the cost of what? Ourselves and what/who is valuable to us.

Belief -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Quality of life

A belief is just that — something you believe about yourself. Somehow you picked it up along the journey of life — your family, maybe your culture, society, a limiting “friend”, and for most Indian people — some “aunty”. (only half joking).

Beliefs cause thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions that determine our quality of life. For this revelation I give credit to the self-defense school I go to, and the amazing mental fortitude training they conduct. This pearl of their wisdom is one of the instrumental slices of this pie I have coming together slowly and steadily, the other ingredients of the pie are in the Resources section below.

Here are some examples of beliefs:

• I’m not a math person.
• I’m not a morning person.
• I’m not someone who wants to give up their work-life balance to reach XYZ designation in the company.
• I’m responsible for my <>’s well-being and happiness.
• I’m not someone who can sustain a relationship.
• I’m not someone who can lead a healthy life, sustain workouts, and balanced eating.

Through the training mentioned above, and reinforced by a lot of the resources mentioned below, I have understood that we can call BS on all such things, and label them as self-limiting beliefs. Once we decide to crush this crap, we can develop new beliefs. This is not easy, but it is not impossible. And we need to really do the self-work that comes with this. So I humbly present to you my attempt to call BS on all of the examples above, using my recent learnings, which I realize are likely just the tip of the mental health iceberg:

• I’m not a math person — practice enough math, diligently, every day, and you’ll be one. No one said this was easy, and to begin with it won’t be fun, but slowly with accomplishment, it will become fun. I will give you this much — Math is not fun :)
• I’m not a morning person — find a reason to wake up every morning by understanding where your time goes, and what your goals are and see if you’re falling short of really achieving them. Then find a good alarm clock if your phone is something that takes you away into the black hole of pointless activities.
• I’m not someone who wants to give up their work-life balance to reach XYZ designation in the company — Set that goal and develop standards for what you will spend your time on. It is likely that time will magically appear and the compromise on work-life balance will be minimal. And if it is more than minimal, you will be okay because you’re spending time on things that you decided are vital. Set boundaries at work for whom you’ll give your time to, respectfully of course, and I realize this is very nuanced and depends on individual situations, so please exercise discretion. I still put forth that at least some optimization is possible for all. See the resource below on “Boundaries”.
• I’m responsible for my <<insert relationship name>>’s well-being and happiness — Every human being is responsible for their own well-being and happiness. Realize where you end, and where that other person begins. Step back, do not rescue. See the resource below on “Codependency”.
• I’m not someone who can sustain a relationship — Sit quietly and dig into why you feel this way. Introspect on your values. Talk to a therapist. I’m realizing something that goes against every grain of my introverted fabric is that human beings need people. Our most basic desire is to be loved. We are all capable, we are all deserving. Somewhere along your journey, life shat on this belief for you. It is okay. With time and with work, you can shed it. This is not easy. A lot of digging and a lot of vulnerability will be involved, but what is that they say? The only way out is through. You have this.
• I’m not someone who can lead a healthy life, sustain workouts, and balanced eating — Again, dig deeper. Is this emotional eating, mindless eating, or maybe some undiscovered feelings? How did you decide this for yourself? (Chances are you didn’t, but you somehow believe it). Is there a habit loop you can break? So many possible reasons but you owe it to yourself to question this belief because it is limiting you. [Sidebar — To know more about habit loops check out Unwinding Anxiety, the book, but first, the shameless plug is my article that talks about anxiety and RTT, and links to the book. The puppy picture makes it worth your time.]

Resources

Boundaries — Cloud and Townsend — Please do not literally judge a book by its cover. This is not just about saying “No” as it suggests. It is a lot more. And if like me, you don’t particularly gravitate to any one type of religious reference, just pay attention to the concepts. Get the workbook even. Simple things can be life-changing.

Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie — The word “codependency” can be misleading. If you’re thinking of couples or people who live together and depend on one another, that’s not it. The book also has a lot of references to “chemically dependent” people (addicts), but codependency can be born from seemingly smaller things that might resonate and teach you how to live a better life.

Mindfulness for Beginners — This is good for understanding concepts about the self, awareness, how to hold your thoughts/emotions/objects in awareness and break away from stress/anxiety and other negative emotions, and how to be fully present and lead a more present life. I was a little disappointed to find out that one needs to buy the guided mindfulness sessions and they are not a resource that comes with the book. But do not lose hope since it is very possible to at least begin with informal mindfulness — bringing it into your usual activities and simply recognizing thoughts and emotions for what they are, without judgment.

The Gift of Fear — This is only somewhat related to all of the concepts I touched on above. But I present this to you because there is significant overlap. And more importantly, this book tells you to be in touch with your intuition. Do not ignore it. It emphasizes that “No.” is a complete sentence, and while “Boundaries” teaches you that using this sentence protects your soul, this book teaches you that saying “No.” can be the difference between you becoming a victim of violence and being saved from it.

I didn’t just read four books and sort my life out. It isn’t that simple. There is work to be done every day — time management, revisiting my standards and values periodically, reading and learning more (I swear one book leads to another and I’m voraciously consuming all of this), journaling, talking to more informed and enlightened people, listening to a lot of webinars (which is where I even learned of these concepts), and saying a lot of “No.” so I can say a lot of the correct types of “Yes.”

If you have resources to share please comment away, or if you feel like sharing about your self-work journey, I am all ears!