avatarAlex Praytor

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Who Spiked the Buttermilk?

The Bad Nog

Photo by Dio Septian on Unsplash

My grandparents always had an exciting refrigerator, freezer, and pantry. At almost any time of year, you could find a near-endless supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream, peanut butter crackers, Grandma’s gingersnap cookies, Mogan Davis’ sweet wine, chocolate-covered apricots and nuts, coconut macaroons, lollipops, and whatever else looked good at the grocery store.

My grandad believed in buying quality over getting “a good deal.” So, the snack department was top-notch. Going to their house was better than hitting up a candy store. They had strong coffee and the treats were all-you-can-eat. Also, they would listen to you go on about all the tiny details of your life and (at least pretend) they wanted to hear it all.

It was our family tradition to get eggnog as soon as it came out in stores and then keep a stock through the new year. At my parents, you could count on a chilled glass and a sprinkle of nutmeg to top off your drink.

But at Grammy’s and Pop’s, you could also count on a splash of brandy or rum. Pull out the eggnog, add a shot for extra oompf, a dash of nutmeg, and wait for the reindeer to run you over.

Being good southerners, there was also a constant supply of buttermilk in our fridges. My grandparents and mom loved to crumble up cornbread into buttermilk and drink it. “It’s especially good when you have an upset stomach,” my mom would add.

I take the “How much of a Southerner are you?” facebook quizzes with a passing score. Fried okra, fried green tomatoes, biscuits and gravy, even collard greens, yes. But, the cornbread and buttermilk combo is a no for me. I believe buttermilk was created to bake biscuits and that’s about all it’s good for.

One year when the holidays rolled around, Pops brought over some brandy to break in the first eggnog of the season. I poured a shot of brandy, grabbed a carton from the fridge, and took a big swig. Something sourly rancid hit my tastebuds. It tasted like a science experiment on decay and rot. Like curdled milk was actively curdling inside my mouth.

I ran to the sink to spit it out before I threw up.

“You don’t like it?” asked Pops, surprised.

“That doesn’t taste good at all,” I shook my head. “It’s not even sweet!” I turned the offending carton of eggnog around for a better look. What brand did we get?

Then I read the label.

I’d spiked myself a nice glass of holiday buttermilk. We both laughed.

“Yeah, I bet that doesn’t taste good,” Pops agreed.

Now when the holiday season rolls around, I double-check the carton before I pour myself a cold glass of eggnog.

You only spike buttermilk once.

“Eggnog might be the closest you’ll come to drinking melted custard. It’s made with whole milk AND heavy whipping cream! Think sweet and creamy and very rich — a small punch cup full is usually plenty.

The spices, such as cinnamon and nutmeg, save the drink from being bland and boring — and so does the booze, if you add it.” — Taste of Home

Christmas
Drinks
Bad December
Bad Form
Family Traditions
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