MARRIAGE | RELATIONSHIPS
Who Says an Old Maid Can’t Get Married
I tied the knot at 47
My husband and I were in our 40s when we got married. Neither of us had been married before, and neither of us had children.
What were the odds of finding someone in a mid-sized town at our age who wasn’t divorced and didn’t have children? Ben said it was meant to be when we found each other. I took music lessons from Ben and we discovered we had mutual friends. Ben frequently stopped by a pub after work. I went to the same pub on occasion. When I found out Ben hung out there, I started dropping by more often. Later, Ben said I was stalking him. Maybe I was, but I’ll never admit it.
What I like about you
There were many things I liked about Ben besides his musical abilities. He was cute, funny, laid-back, and confident. People admired him.
Six months before I met Ben, I ended a seven-year relationship with an insecure man. We had many fun times together, and I loved many things about Ray, but I knew I could never live with or marry him. I had witnessed his violent outbursts many times, and I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I’d be trapped to endure mental or possibly physical abuse.
One of Ray’s outbursts happened early in our relationship. A friend called me out of the blue. I took the call while walking through Walmart with Ray. When he learned I was talking to a male, he yelled, “Why don’t you go fuck him!”
Wow. I was shocked, but I understood jealousy and insecurity. I felt this way often in relationships, especially at a younger age. I empathized with Ray, but I knew I’d never marry him. Ray eventually asked, but I declined. When we started dating, I told Ray I never wanted to get married, and it was true. I didn’t think I ever would. I was too afraid of a life-long commitment. Being the child of divorced parents left a bad taste in my mouth concerning marriage. I didn’t want to rely on a man to care for me; I wanted to be independent and have someone love me from a distance. I also knew my track record. At age 35, my longest relationship lasted three years.
When I started dating Ben, he told me early on that he wanted to be in a relationship that could lead to marriage. He didn’t want to invest five or ten years of his life with someone if it wasn’t leading to a lifelong commitment.
After a year of dating, Ben said he had to marry me; he had no choice. It was written in the stars. It was cosmic.
How romantic!
After being with someone for so long who didn’t trust me, being with Ben was refreshing. I didn’t have to worry about him accusing me of being unfaithful or accusing me of liking his friend. Ben trusted me, and I trusted him.
My views on marriage changed. Maybe, as I approached 50, I thought my odds of finding a lifelong partner would be even more challenging. I’d been single and lonely, and I never liked it. I didn’t want to be the spinster who lived alone with all the cats. I wanted someone to grow old with.
Pre-marital counseling
Before our marriage, my husband and I talked to a pastor in a few counseling sessions. We completed a workbook separately and brought our answers to the sessions. One of the questions asked three reasons why I should marry my partner.
I said:
- His personality. He is outgoing, laid back, and happy-go-lucky, which is a good balance for me.
- I am at the point in my life where I want a partner to grow old with.
- He’s accepting of me, understanding, and non-judgmental.
He said:
- We communicate well.
- I need a life partner.
- She makes me better.
Looking at the length of our answers makes me laugh. It says a lot. Generally, women tend to use more words to express themselves. I also laugh now when I think back to the day in the pastor’s office. He asked Ben and me what situations might arise in which we would annoy one another. Ben and I couldn’t come up with a single thing. We just stared at each other, all googly-eyed. We were still lovestruck. We could only see cherubs sitting on fluffy clouds shooting arrows through red hearts. We had been dating for a year when we decided to get married. Our relationship was still in the infant stage. Ask us this question now and we’ll be able to quickly provide a list of annoying things about one another, but they are trivial things. We have our ups and downs like anyone else, but we’ll celebrate eight years of marriage this year.
I feel fortunate to have Ben in my life. I didn’t want to resort to using a dating app for the first time in my 60s.
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