Who is Standing Up for You?

Not me. I’m not standing up for you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person, but I don’t know you?

Who do you have to stand up for you? Over the years, you may have had parents or friends to stand up for you but now?

How about standing up for yourself?

What does standing up for yourself mean to you?

Does it mean standing tall and shouting at people? Being on the defensive, so if you think you’re being attacked, you’re ready?

Weirdly, I used to think that this is what standing up for myself meant. I felt that I had to fight for my position and my point of view. I felt that standing up for myself meant sharing my beliefs and opinions as truths with everyone, even if they hadn’t asked to hear what I thought.

I thought it meant having strict boundaries and making sure that others weren’t using me.

I imagined it meant not being put down. Not being overlooked.

God, it was exhausting.

Nowadays, I don’t think this at all. I never feel as if I’m being attacked, but this isn’t because suddenly everyone I come across is zen or uber friendly.

Now, I think standing up for myself means being true to myself.

True to you

You might think that you only ever show up as you. After all, who else could you be? But is that true?

Some people become chameleons. You might have seen the film ‘The Runaway Bride’ with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? The Gere character asks Roberts how she likes her eggs, and she tells him. He then says that this is the same way her fiance likes his eggs.

No issue there.

Until he points out that she has liked her eggs the same way as all of her many previous fiances.

She morphs into showing up however they show up. Until she runs away, of course.

Do you ever find that you’re behaving in a way that suits someone else but may not entirely suit you?

I had a client whose family were getting concerned about her because every time they saw her at a social event, she told them that she was on antibiotics. She thought it was easier to say this than to confess that she’d stopped drinking.

Instead of standing up for her decision, she made excuses to fit in with their version of who she was and how she should behave.

You might think that you’d never do anything like that? But have you ever eaten a cake that someone has made or bought for you even though you’re on a diet? Or pretend to have, or not to have, a partner because you don’t want to get into a discussion about your private life?

Standing up for yourself can be as simple as stating your intentions. You don’t have to argue or defend your decisions; all you have to do is stand firm and say what you want.

To know what you want and to know that you’re worth having what you want.

Knowing your worth

I’m not talking about how much you have in the bank. I’m talking about knowing that you are worth it, as the L’Oreal adverts say.

Ultimately, it comes down to how much you value yourself. If you believe that you’re worth it, then the chances are good that others will see your worth as well.

So how do you know your worth?

You could start by looking at how you treat yourself. If you’re constantly putting yourself down, telling yourself you’re not good enough, or that you don’t deserve happiness, it’s time to rethink your worth. Because you are worth more than that. You are worth kindness and love, and respect.

You’re worth spending your time doing what you want. Standing up for yourself might mean saying no to someone who wants your time when you want to do something else.

And saying no might mean that you come in to focus rather than blend into the background.

Saying no

You’re not magnolia. You’re not a neutral background for everyone else to project their wants and wishes on to. You can stand up for your wants and wishes and say no.

As Gandhi said, “A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”

Someone who thinks that standing up for themselves means that they have to be difficult might say no as a matter of principle, imagining that they are being strong, but, as Gandhi said, saying no from a place of knowing your worth is strong. And can still be kind.

You might worry that saying no will upset the other person or make you unpopular? However, this is not always the case. Sometimes saying no is the best thing you can do. It shows that you are confident and willing to stand up for yourself.

To say this is who I am. This is me.

This is me

Do you remember when the film, The Greatest Showman, came out? Everyone and their dog started belting out the Keala Settle song; This is Me.

The song stood for everyone, every colour, race, gender, shape and size. It’s a perfect song to build a sense of belonging and stand up for yourself.

But unless you have the song on a loop in your head or your ears, the feeling might wear off?

Unless you stop and think about how you want to show up, how you want to tell everyone, ‘this is me.

You don’t have to, as Shonda Rhimes says, power pose like Wonder Woman. Although she says that studies report that power posing like Wonder Woman for five minutes not only improves self-esteem but even hours later improves how others perceive you.

And, hell, I am never going to argue with Shonda Rhimes.

So power pose away if it suits you. And even better if you sing This is Me at the top of your voice whilst you power pose.

Or you can remember who you think you are, how much you value yourself and how often you see that you’re perfect as you are will make sure that you’re standing up for yourself even when you’re sitting down.