Who is Disappointing Whom?
The Downfall of Creating Unrealistic Expectations
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Do people often let you down? Do you create and build plans only for someone to pull the rug out from under you? Something you might want to consider is that you are pulling the rug out yourself!
Creating Expectation
I came to this realization a while ago, but still have to remind myself of it. If you are constantly let down by people, stop and think about where the disappointment is coming from. You build up a specific idea about a particular future event, and then expect a person to react a certain way–perhaps the way you would react. Then, when that person reacts in a manner that you did not anticipate, you become disappointed, sad, maybe angry.
Did the other person cause you to feel this way? Is it his or her fault? No. No one can make you feel a certain way. You are attributing feelings and motivations to others that they might not have. So, who is disappointing whom?
It’s My Party — I Can Cry If I Want To!
I’ll give an example: I wanted to plan an event for my birthday. I contacted several of my friends and family to see if they wanted to go play pickleball (if you don’t know what that is, look it up — it’s a lot of fun!). Everyone said they were busy, or didn’t seem interested. Naturally, I was disappointed. I thought,
My birthday comes only once a year. Couldn’t they put aside their plans for that one day? If they asked me to do something to celebrate their birthdays, I would definitely go!
I feel like I am a very loyal friend, and I would drop everything if a friend needed me for something. But not everyone has this quality, and I can’t change others to fit them within my box. I have to be aware of other people’s characteristics when developing my expectations.
A Round Peg in a Square Hole
My family is not good at planning or holding to schedules. They are very last-minute types of people, so when I tried to schedule this event, they did not want to commit. Looking back, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. They were merely acting the same as they usually do. In essence, I was disappointed in not being able to change or conform into something I desired them to be. They are supportive in other ways, but I just can’t schedule their support ahead of time.
Likewise, my friend, C., is not dependable. I guess I thought since it was my birthday, he would actually try to make it. Nope. He is a circle and I tried to make him a square. On my birthday, I ended up going with a coworker/acquaintance of mine and we had a good time.
Realistic Expectations
During the following year, I made some new friends who were more like me, as far as planning things ahead of time and honoring commitments (imagine that). I reserved a pickleball court and invited them, along with some of my family members. This time, however, I did not expect any of my family to show up and would not have been disappointed if they were not there, because of my expectations. The funny thing is, this time they did show up! I was pleasantly surprised, of course, and things went very well.
Conclusion
To reiterate, nobody can make you feel a certain way. Just remember not to be pessimistic, but to set realistic expectations when making plans. Be aware of the way people are and don’t try to change them into something that fits into your own belief system.
So, the next time you’re disappointed that nobody but you shows up at your birthday party, you can blame all the people in that room!
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*Revised from an article originally posted on my website
