Who is Amy Sea’s Boyfriend?

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Abstract

med of canoeing with Elizabeth Bishop, but you googled me.I’m just gonna click this one picture, you told yourself. Then you looked for pictures of me you hadn’t seen before. You wanted to know where I was born. You had to know how tall I was. What did my house look like? Was I a natural brunette? Had I gotten work done to make my nose so crooked?Finally, you had to know who I was dating. Who would date someone like Amy Sea who writes about vaginal probing, white entitlement, and Marjorie Taylor Greene? Nobody.Wait.That guy?Hold on. Amy Sea is married?Someone married Amy Sea?You can’t even find anyone worth swiping right for and this 5'11, okay 5'5, fine 4'11" average female who started a publication called Breast Stories is married? Does God think that’s funny?How tall is Amy Sea’s husband? What’s his job? Is he a billionaire?All famous women are dating billionaires and they

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don’t even need them. It won’t last. Don’t worry. Amy Sea’ll fuck it up somehow.She’ll spend too many hours a day writing on Medium, editing stories instead of working on her IRL relationship. Her husband’ll look elsewhere, find some normal girl who celebrates Valentine's Day like it isn’t some capitalistic Blitzkrieg against free will.Amy Sea’ll start thinking her hubby ain’t no Medium blogger. She’ll resent him for not commenting on her stories. He won’t know why she’s so upset about meta on Medium. It’ll all go to shit.Wait. She used to be a hot dog vendor? That’s interesting. She applied as an obituary writer and didn't get hired? She lost her virginity at 32? 8 years after she got married?You’re starting to like her, aren’t you? Turn off your phone. Go back to bed. Feeling better? Schadenfreude beats melatonin any of the week for a restful sleep.Note to yourself. Write an article about 5 ways to get a restful sleep.</article></body>

Sleep better with schadenfreude

Photo by Samad Ismayilov from Pexels — It’s hard to tell how tall be is here but he doesn’t look like a Medium reader

So, you googled me at 3 am. I don’t blame you. It’s not the best use of your time, but I’m up googling Angelina Jolie’s wrist circumference so let’s call it even.

In the wee hours, you could’ve have watched Euphoria on your phone and spent the rest of the night terrified for your children. You might have skimmed some poetry and dreamed of canoeing with Elizabeth Bishop, but you googled me.

I’m just gonna click this one picture, you told yourself. Then you looked for pictures of me you hadn’t seen before. You wanted to know where I was born. You had to know how tall I was. What did my house look like? Was I a natural brunette? Had I gotten work done to make my nose so crooked?

Finally, you had to know who I was dating. Who would date someone like Amy Sea who writes about vaginal probing, white entitlement, and Marjorie Taylor Greene? Nobody.

Wait.

That guy?

Hold on. Amy Sea is married?

Someone married Amy Sea?

You can’t even find anyone worth swiping right for and this 5'11, okay 5'5, fine 4'11" average female who started a publication called Breast Stories is married? Does God think that’s funny?

How tall is Amy Sea’s husband? What’s his job? Is he a billionaire?

All famous women are dating billionaires and they don’t even need them. It won’t last. Don’t worry. Amy Sea’ll fuck it up somehow.

She’ll spend too many hours a day writing on Medium, editing stories instead of working on her IRL relationship. Her husband’ll look elsewhere, find some normal girl who celebrates Valentine's Day like it isn’t some capitalistic Blitzkrieg against free will.

Amy Sea’ll start thinking her hubby ain’t no Medium blogger. She’ll resent him for not commenting on her stories. He won’t know why she’s so upset about meta on Medium. It’ll all go to shit.

Wait. She used to be a hot dog vendor? That’s interesting. She applied as an obituary writer and didn't get hired? She lost her virginity at 32? 8 years after she got married?

You’re starting to like her, aren’t you? Turn off your phone. Go back to bed. Feeling better? Schadenfreude beats melatonin any of the week for a restful sleep.

Note to yourself. Write an article about 5 ways to get a restful sleep.