Who Gave You Permission To Be A Writer?
On writing with quality, consistency, and frequency about life.
Just in case you missed it, I pretty much have no life. Honestly, I thought I'd been extremely upfront about the fact that my world is very small. As the single mom of a soon-to-be five-year-old, and (mostly) daily writer, there isn't much room for anything else.
Of course, my life comes with additional complexities. Like living in the South without adequate transportation. And battling lipedema, obesity, and mental health issues.
My life is a great example of the ways your world can be both simple and complex all at the same time.
Let's take dating. These days, I don't feel the need to date, mostly because I'm too busy working to write a better future for myself and my daughter. Yes, writing is my work, and I've been devoted to it for nearly 10 months. That's probably about how long I've gone without sex. I really can't remember, though I have seen someone special a couple times over these past few months.
See, "Mr. Atlanta" is still technically in the picture. But I haven't felt the need to write about him and our relationship because he and I are each going through transitions in our lives and I've got peace about where we are at. I'll write a story about it one of these days, but not today.
However, another writer here recently drew attention to the fact that I currently don't date much. And he decided to "call me out" on it, in addition to charging that I write too much and too often, am cashing in on clickbait, and am essentially a hack writer.
Ultimately, this man's argument is that I don't have the life experience to write as much as I do about relationships, and clearly, he's got some bitterness about the fact that I earn my living writing stories with which he so vehemently disagrees.
The most distasteful thing to me about a fellow writer crafting an 8 minute rant about their disdain for me is the fact that he's trying to make money off that rant while criticizing me for making money writing, and then he posted the link to his story as a comment on my piece When You're The Fat Girl On the Receiving End of Sexual Assault.
At the end of the day, his criticism isn't that unusual in writing. My previous story is about the fact that certain types of critics will always have it out for brave writers. They demand "credentials" any time they don't like what you write. They criticize you as if you need their permission to even be a writer.
Yes, I write a lot.
And I've written about why I write so much. For one thing, I quit my freelancing gig to write here full-time. So I'm in a position where I have to keep writing to pay the bills. But I'm alright with that because I love to write.
Although I usually publish every day, each of my stories takes hours. And when I write about relationships, we're talking about years of missteps and reflection. I'm not sure what's so unbelievable about that since I am 36 years old, but at the same time, why must writers defend themselves this way?
I look at it this like this: trauma and fear prevented me from pursuing my calling (writing) for most of my life. Once I gave myself the permission to write despite my fears that nobody would care what I had to say, the floodgates opened. That's why I've got an enormous drafts folder--because I have a lifetime of unspoken thoughts ready to be hashed out in print. Fellow INFPs will feel me.
Does daily writing immediately make the quality of your stories poor? There’s no law that says so. If anything, consistent writing helps us hone our skills. And for someone like myself, who writes full-time for a living, we’re talking about hours a day. In that case, how many pieces should be expected or allowed? I wasn’t aware that there were rules about an acceptable output of the written word.
I don't call myself an expert in... anything.
There's an honest reason why I call my writing here "stories" rather than "articles." I don't consider myself an expert at all. Please don't confuse my work for any kind of news source.
That said, I love to write, and I think I've got a good voice for it. Yes, my stories lean left. And believe it or not, but I never set out to be a top writer in feminism or relationships. I only set out to cover parenting and mental health, but daily writing naturally shifted to other topics I'm passionate about. Aka "Life found a way."
It's no secret that daily writing has changed my life. It’s made me a much more positive person. It’s also made me a believer in the value of fostering your own internal locus of control. So it's natural that my writing has changed as time has passed.
Yet at every turn, I've been clear about intertwining my personal experiences with my opinions in every piece. I never suggest that people follow in my footsteps. In fact, I'm pretty open about being a failure and feeling like a fuck up. If a critic doesn't know that about my work, they haven't actually been paying attention to my writing at all.
To be fair, I'm pretty certain this recent critic hasn't read most of my work since he seems to think it's impossible to write about relationships regularly. As if there's only one type of relationship, or as if human connections are static.
You don't need to be an expert to be a good writer.
Hate to break it to you, but "experts" don't always make the greatest writers. But people who've been to hell and back? We tend to have something to say. INFPs? We tend to be prolific writers despite a lack of expertise.
Maybe you think this is unfair or wrong. Maybe you think a woman shouldn't be allowed to write about sex or relationships unless she's currently married or dating regularly. But that would be on you for deciding to write off a real person with life experience that simply differs from yours.
It's okay to write without being an expert. I have been married and divorced once, engaged four times, and dated more than 20 guys in my lifetime. I have loved and lost, made good choices and bad choices all in the same day. For a long time, I was clingy and saw my worth only in terms of the men who wanted me.
It's okay to write about those things. I don't need permission. You don't need permission. Go ahead and write about whatever you've been through. The good and the bad.
Writing about sex doesn't automatically make stories "clickbait."
I write about sex a lot because I've had some terrible experiences with it. But if I haven't had sex in 10 months, does that mean I can't write about it anymore?
I've learned the hard way what happens when people grow up feeling like they can't talk about sex. And I don't wish my experiences upon anybody else.
There's a big difference between clickbait and hot button issues. Sure, I cover hot button topics which make some people squirm. But I do my damnedest to cover each topic well--with honesty, readability, and grace. My headlines are pretty boring, honestly. I tell you what each story is talking about. My 50% average read ratio confirms that my headlines match my stories. Aka no clickbait here.
I recently wrote about orgasms, and how I was raised in spiritual abuse which led me to be frightened of sex. Frightened of my own orgasm. It's a serious and important topic for anyone who suffered through the 90s purity culture, but to my critics it's nothing but manipulation and clickbait. Which points to a serious empathy problem on their part.
If I catered to clickbait stories, you'd see headlines like "10 Ways to Wow Your Partner In Bed."
Writing for money--or about money--is always tricky.
So far, I've built a reputation for myself by writing honest stories. And I decided from the start to write honestly about my experiences with earning an income through my writing. I figured that I want to know what's possible, so you might too.
Look, writers should be encouraged to take pride in their work and we shouldn't have to be shy talking about money. Everybody needs to earn an income, and I'm damn proud to be earning mine by writing the stories that matter a great deal to me. Luckily, my stories resonate with others, and most people seem to grasp that my stories about earning money here are not about bragging.
Hopefully, my stories about earnings will inspire more people than they turn away. But that's how I feel about all of my work. I hope my heart shines through.
Nobody needs anybody else's permission to write.
Here's something my rudest critics don't seem to get. If they don't like my work, they try to shut me up with insults. But do you know what I do when I run into stories I don't like? I keep scrolling.
Social media has helped feed people this idea that they are entitled to shit all over someone else's work just because it's there. It's online, so they're entitled to an opinion, right? Maybe... but is it really worth your time and energy to tear somebody else down? Couldn't your time be better used in a positive way?
Furthermore, publicly criticizing a writer and accusing them of being undeserving of their success isn't just throwing shade at that person. You're also throwing shade on everyone else who supports their work. Do you really want to try to get ahead by bashing other writers and readers?
Every writer is subject to their readers' collective reaction.
Like it or not, my work is currently and generally well-received. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that jazz. Of course, I've worked like hell to build an audience and let the right readers find me. That means consistent writing on my part, and hours spent writing every damn day.
Last fall, I wrote about some of my problems with staring at screens all day--like a recurrent sty in both my eyes. I was clear about the fact that I had zero work-life balance. But I was dedicated to forging my own writing career to support my daughter.
Did I put in the work? For sure--and I still do! But at the end of the day, I can't control my readers. They will support me or they won't. I can't force them to do anything.
The reality is that my readers go the longest way in determining whether or not I am successful here. Assuming I am willing to do the work. Hey, I have stories that flop, just like everybody else. But it's the readers who choose to engage with my work day in and day out and say, "This story resonated with me."
It's easy to look at another writer who's somehow ahead of you and complain that they've got an unfair advantage. But where were you while they spent hundreds of hours writing and rewriting?
Who's opinion matters more--the critics or the audience?
I am a writer, and part of writing for a living requires that I accept my audience isn't everybody. It can never be everybody. And I don't try to please anybody when I write. I only make a point to write a story I believe in.
That is the only way I know to produce consistent and quality writing about life. Does living matter? Of course it does, and I hope you live a full life that gives you plenty to write about.
But please, let's not shame writers into having to prove their lives are worthy enough for their writing to be heard. And let's not pretend that writing hasn't always been a vocation filled with folks who do little more than read, write, and care for their families.
Life lessons don't have a sell by or expiration date. You're allowed to write about "relationships" if you're currently single. You're allowed to write about being single, even if you are partnered right now.
The reality is that I have led an interesting life despite the fact that it is currently pretty small as a single mom with a small child. I have been overseas twice, worked since I was 14 years old, and lived all over the country. I've been through trauma and heartbreak far more than anyone should ever know, and I have lived through it all to tell the tales.
Most importantly? I have proved that I'm willing to do the work it takes to succeed. I am willing to write and keep writing despite some pretty hateful critics.
And guess what? When your harshest critics come for you, I hope you don't give up either. Please take heart--those of us who aim to write honestly about tough topics have got to stick together.
