Who deserves your forgiveness and who doesn’t

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, but is everyone deserving of that grace?

by: E.B. Johnson

Forgiveness is a powerful tool, and one that can transform our lives when we know how to use it. The problem, however, is that we often extend the charity of our forgiveness to those who hurt us again, or those who are less-than-deserving. A part of finding our true strength in this life is learning how to determine who is worthy of our forgiveness and who isn’t. Not everyone deserves it, and not everyone is worth the emotional effort.

Whether an apology comes from a place of selfish ambition, or genuine feelings of shame — the choice is ultimately ours when it comes to determining whether or not someone’s apology is genuine. Making that decision isn’t always an easy one, but it can be done with grace when we understand what true forgiveness looks like. We can come to that understanding by cultivating gentle compassion, but also by learning how to stick up for who we are and what we want.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is many different things. It can be a gift or a charitable act of kindness. It can be a healing process and a journey to self discovery. Forgiveness has different meanings to many different people, but true forgiveness is all about one thing: letting go of the things that no longer suit you in the most gracious way possible.

True forgiveness is not only an act, it is a state of being — one which allows us to tap back into that authentic sense of self that guides us peacefully toward the future we deserve. It’s how we fix broken things and bring new life to old things, and it’s one of the best and truest ways to heal ourselves.

Forgiveness is for us as much as it is for anyone else. Though it’s important to forgive those who do us wrong, it’s even more important to give ourselves the gift of true forgiveness, so that we can move past all the internalized guilt and shame from our childhoods and find our way back to the pure and lasting happiness we all need in order to thrive.

The essential elements of a forgiveness.

When it comes to forgiving someone — or ourselves — it’s not as simple as mumbling some words. True forgiveness is both an action and a process, and one that takes 5 essential elements in order to truly land. If you’re truly looking to forgive, focus on these fundamental ingredients and the positive results they can yield.

Love and agreeableness

When we love others (and ourselves) it makes it easier to extend forgiveness, and approach unpleasant situations with understanding and respect. Those who run high in tendencies for love and agreeableness are more likely to forgive because they are more positively inclined toward others. Our capacity for love is a huge indicator of our capacity for forgiveness.

Compassionate views

Being able to focus on the welfare of others is a great gift, and one that can also indicate your ability to forgive others. Our approaches to life are important, and they play a great deal in our healing and resolutions. When you’re someone who looks out for other people, or when you’re someone with generally compassionate views, it makes it easier to let go of the hurts that no longer suit your journey.

Emotional stability

Our emotional inner lives are a major part of who we are, and they form a major part of how we approach hard times and hard situations. If you find yourself in emotional turmoil, it’s hard to forgive or find the resolution you need to move on. Emotional stability, however, makes us less prone to fits of negative emotions and therefore more likely to forgive those who hurt our feelings or do us wrong.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to think, feel and care about others and their emotions and experiences. It’s understanding that we all see things differently and we all feel things differently. It’s an important skill to have, and it makes us more or less likely to forgive others. When you are someone who empathizes greatly with others, it’s easier to let go of hurts and wrongs and forgive those who are either in or out of your life.

Genuineness

There are those of us who seek out relationships and friendships because we value connection, but there are those who form relationships out of a desire to use or pivot themselves to a better place or station. When we’re genuine, it shows, and it also indicates a predisposition toward forgiveness. True forgiveness happens only when we truly know who we are and what we want from not just ourselves, but others around us.

How we forgive others.

It’s important to note that not all forgiveness is created equal. Like an onion, forgiveness has many different levels and layers, some of them overlapping and shifting in a way that can be difficult to manage or sort through. In order to truly forgive, you first have to know what kind of forgiveness is needed in your life, and that’s something that only time and experience can teach you.

Condition-free forgiveness

Unconditional forgiveness is the highest and purest form of forgiveness, but it’s not always possible, and it’s not always right for the given circumstance. Forgiving unconditionally means that — no matter what — you let go of the thoughts and emotions you had tied to that act. It means detaching completely and starting anew, but there’s only so many fresh starts that can be given or, indeed, expected.

This type of forgiveness is the ultimate goal of all forgiving acts, but sometimes it’s just not possible for us to let go and detach. For first time offenders, a condition-free pass might be okay, but repeat offenders should always be treated with caution. Unconditional forgiveness is not a doormat and invitaion for futher poor behavior — and neither are you.

Conditional forgiveness

Sometimes, we have to let people back into our hearts and lives. That doesn’t mean, however, that they get a free pass or the keys to the kingdom. It is possible to give someone limited forgiveness, and it is possible to keep your heart protected while letting go of that pain caused by bad people and bad situations. You have to be the one to set those conditions, though, and you have to be the one that sticks to them; no matter what.

When our relationships go off the rails, conditional forgiveness is sometimes the structure that can set things to rights again. Forgiving others with parameters allows them to prove their intentions while allowing you to protect yourself, in a way that can help re-establish trust and understanding between two parties that have gone off the rails. The key is always being clear about your conditions, and clear about what the consequences are when those conditions aren’t respected.

Graceful forgiveness

Graceful forgiveness is a transcendental form of forgiveness. If you’re someone who believes in a god, then this is the type of forgiveness you might believe in. For the rest of us, this is peaceful and all-enveloping form of forgiveness that comes from a place much deeper than, “things are okay now.” Forgiving through grace is forgiving before the pain has subsided and — in some cases — despite of the pain the injury has caused you. It’s deciding to look past the bad and accepting reality for what it is; a hard pill to swallow at any stage of your life.

Dismissive forgiveness

The most superficial form of forgiveness, dismissive forgiveness is most frequently practiced when we’re forced to forgive before we’re ready, or when we decide to give forgiveness to someone we can’t be bothered working things out with. This “whatever” approach to your pain and aggravation can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing, it entirely depends on you and the sort of resolutions you need for true and authentic happiness.

Walking away without taking the time to sort through the tough feelings and thoughts can leave a lasting stain on any relationship or circumstance. When you dismissively forgive someone you say “this isn’t worth my time” and you leave behind pieces that get buried in complex emotion and resentment. While it might do to dismissively forgive someone you hardly know, it doesn’t work when a long term relationship or partnership is on the line.

Why we forgive people.

When we choose to forgive people, we generally choose to do it for one of several reasons: there’s something in it for us, we feel as though we owe it to the other person, or society pressures us to do it. No matter how we choose to forgive or why, we have to make the decision that is right for us and us alone.

There’s something in it for us

One of the primary reasons we forgive those who have wronged us is that we feel as though there’s something in it for us. While this could simply be a little peace in an already-chaotic household, it could also come down to literal dollar signs and material benefit (consider an apology from your boss). When there’s something in it for us, it makes it that much easier to forgive someone…even if they necessarily deserve it. It’s also a great distraction tactic to muddy the waters of particularly nasty behavior.

We’re deeply connected

Being deeply connected with someone makes us want only the best for them, and that includes apologies. If someone you love is in distress and looking for your mercy, you’re much more likely to give it as you want to ease their pain and help their suffering. The problem with this, however, is when forgiveness is given before you’ve resolved your own issues or emotions surrounding the initial issue.

Society demands it

When we feel the pressure of society for a perceived wrong, it can make us eager to seek forgiveness and even more eager to give it. Living beneath the scrutiny of those around us is a heavy burden to bear, and it makes it even harder to live a life that might already be challenging. While these apologies can sometimes lead to genuine change, they’re frequently attached to intentions that are less than motivated.

Who we forgive (and who we shouldn’t).

There are a number of different people in our lives who elicit different types of forgiveness. Not every person that crosses our path is deserving of forgiveness, however, and sometimes we have to make the decision to just let them (and the whole experience) go. Whether someone hurts us intentionally, or injures us from a place of power — not everyone deserves our charity, but that decision is ours and ours alone.

1. People who hurt us intentionally

As humans, we’re all constantly growing and changing — working hard to figure out who we are in this crazy world and what we want from it. We are forever transforming, and that means making mistakes and learning from them in every facet of the life we lead. When someone hurts us, it is often as an unintended consequence, but sometimes it happens intentionally. Before issuing a forgiveness, it’s up to us to decide and figure out whether we’re up against someone who wants us to fail or someone who wants us to thrive.

We inherently seem to associate forgiveness with a need to let go of anger which is justified and, indeed, an evolutionary response that is meant to protect us from dangerous situations and people. Anger is good for us, and getting angry at someone who has done us wrong is a sign that we need to take a step back and take a closer look at something. When someone goes out of their way to injure us, it is not always our responsiblity to forgive them.

Even if that hurt was not their primary intent, engaging in behavior which is knowingly damaging is just as wicked as engaging in direct disrespect and abuse. Honestly assess who is seeking your forgiveness. Did they do something entirely in their interests, which they knew would cause you pain? That is not always a person who is worth your time, and it is not always a person who is truly willing to change their behavior in exchange for your benefit. Only you can decide.

2. The people we expect a lot from

Expecting a lot from someone can lead to putting them up on a pedestal, or lifting them up in expections far beyond anything they can attain. When we love someone, or respect them greatly, it makes us only want to see the best in them; that in turn can lead to insisting on seeing intentions that aren’t really there. Rose tinted glasses lead to broken hearts and disappointed expectations which make it hard to let go and hard to forgive. Whether family, friends or mentors — it’s important to be realistic before issuing apologies.

We have all been hurt or injured by someone we respect at some point in our lives. While some of these steps and missteps are unintentional — many are avoidable. And therein lies the rub when learning how to fogive. Do you want to forgive this person because they genuinely deserve it? Or do you want to forgive them because you think this behavior is something that’s beneath them (when it clearly isn’t)?

Often, we issue this type of forgiveness to family, friends and romantic partners; extending the bounds of our emotional flexibility in order to cater to them and the place of reverence we think they should inhabit. While, in some cases, this forgiveness is totally warranted — it often isn’t. We, as human beings, are all equals with none of us being above or beneath any sort of reaction or behavior. We are all just doing the best we can and handling the stress the best that we know how to. Let go of all those sky-high expectations and look at things for what they really are before giving anyone the charity of your forgiveness.

3. People in positions of power

When someone is in a position of power — whether we respect them or expect anything from them or not — we can feel pressured to give them our forgiveness, or feel a need to let their poor behavior go. Leaders and those in power are human. They are no better (and, indeed, not necessarily worse) that the best or least of us. Only when we see them for what they are can be look past their actions to the human that is reaching for forgiveness.

If someone in a position of power has wronged you, it is important to seperate the person from their position before deciding whether or not their apology is worth your grace. Some actions are simple mistakes, some are not. Take a step back and weigh them as justly as you would weigh yourself or your best friend. Was their hurt an avoidable one? The answer often takes some digging.

Just because someone has assumed power does not mean they are superior. It does not mean they are more intelligent. It does not mean they are more just. Indeed, getting yourself into a place of power is not even an indication of moral righteous or a sense of right and wrong. Forgiveness is something that must be earned — no matter who you are — and it’s something that should not be given freely lest we lose sight of the value that we hold intrinsically. Let go of that need to elevate someone who is your equal.

4. Those with a shared history

We have a tendency to give a lot of leeway to those who share a long history with us, or those we share a number of important experiences with. Though you may not like this person or even respect this person, you empathize with them because your emotions and memories remind you of the person that they were, or the place that they might be coming from.

This type of empathy can be both a beautiful and important thing, but it can also hinder us in forming meaningful relationships that are both healthy and balanced. When it comes from a place this right and just, it will lead to bountiful connections and a deep and lasting bond that creates a relationship more resilient to the pressures of modern life. Taken to far to the other end, however, and you can find yourself blinded and chained to a person who no longer matches the memory you once shared.

Experiences are an important part of bonding, and they are an important part of discovering who we are within the confines of a relationship (be it platonic or romantic). It’s important to hold those experiences and those memories in thee correct context, however, and it’s important to never use it as an excuse or a justification for bad or downright malicious behavior. Though our experiences might inform our perspective, we choose the behavior and actions we engage in each and every day. Good memories are not an excuse for being a poor friend or partner by choice.

Putting it all together…

There are many different types of forgiveness and many different ways in which to practice forgiveness with others and ourselves. True forgiveness starts with an understanding (both internal and external) and it ends with recognizing what it is you need in order to thrive.When we truly forgive others — and ourselves — we give ourselves persmission to step forward into a happy future. It takes time to get there, though, and a lot of determination.

Take a step back and analyze the other person’s behavior and analyze where they’re coming from. Don’t make their perspective an excuse, but do make it a consideration. We can give others our forgiveness in a number of ways, but not every single person is worthy of forgiveness. When someone goes out of their way to cause us pain, or someone abuses their place of power while causing injury to those around them — they aren’t always people who deserve space in our lives or free-handed dips into our personal charity. Consider the entirety of the situation and take down that pedestal and those rose-tinted glasses. Forgiveness is a beautiful and transformative thing, but it’s wasted on the undeserving. Get real and save yourself a lot of time and a lot of emotional labor by being frugal with the personal grace you grant to those around you.