Life | Storytelling

Who Am I Missing?

My Thoughts On A Story Prompt By Sherry McGuinn

This was probably the most thought-inspiring question I’ve heard all week. Who am I missing right now?

Sherry wrote about her bond with her little sister Diane and how she’s worried deeply about her in the craziness of the current pandemic. I urge you to read it. And regardless of whether you’ve been tagged, take this prompt and write your own answer. Share your thoughts. We all are missing someone.

I don’t need to look far to see who I’m missing. My parents. And I wish it would be a temporary thing like the current pandemic, being unable to walk over to their house.

But our distance is a wee bit bigger. Between us lie close to 10,000km or 6,000 miles. Time-wise, there are now 6 years between us. In total, I’ve been apart from them for 10 years.

The reason for that was me moving out at 17, moving from our little town in the midwest of Germany up North to Hamburg, where I lived and worked from 2008 to 2012. That was 340km or 210 miles apart.

Back then I was young and wanted to see the world. My parents were young too, so it didn’t feel like leaving them forever. We’d still call each other and when I got time, I’d drive down there to visit them.

Camping Trips And Heart Attacks Don’t Go Well Together

Around 2012, I was on a camping trip with a girlfriend and her family. We went all the way up to Denmark. One morning — we still had plenty of stuff planned, including an arcade gaming center — my mother called me with the words “Hey honey, don’t want to worry you, everything is fine. But your dad had a heart attack last night and is in the hospital.”

I love my mother. But who the hell would ever think that someone stops worrying just because you tell them everything’s fine? My dad was 44 at the time. That doesn’t seem a good age to suffer heart attacks.

Oh, and my mom has this strange sense of humor where she’d send me photos just to let me know what it looks like. It was a picture of the living room floor, covered in blood. The medics had a tough time getting the infusion on and resuscitating him. That “receipt” the defibrillator prints out while in use was longer than a meter. They were really pulling it.

According to her, they were both sitting on the couch at around 12.30 AM, watching TV. My father was suddenly unresponsive. And I’m thankful to this day for my mother not thinking that he just napped away, as he usually does.

One of their neighbors luckily was a paramedic on his day off. My younger brother still lived with my parents, so he went down to ask for help while my mother made an emergency call and initiated CPR.

My camping trip was over that very minute she called me. We immediately started packing our stuff and I drove all the way down to my parents. It was a 6 1/2 hour drive.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, he seemed healthy enough. He would keep complaining that he’s not allowed to close the toilet door (for medical supervision) and he can’t take a sh*t while there are cute nurses roaming around. First world problems.

My mother told me that he was even back up for stupid dad jokes as the paramedics put him onto the stretcher. He saw their neighbor, who jumped out of bed to help out that night and said something like “Oh, you’re here too? Why are you up so late?”

That’s my dad for you.

But this heart attack was unfortunately not a slight mishap.

The heart attack he suffered is called a posterior myocardial infarction. The problem with this type of infarct is that it can cause (and in this case has caused) ischemia in the atrioventricular node, leading to a so-called AV-Block.

An AV-Block has a negative impact on the conduction system of the heart, which then is unable to keep up the targeted heart rate from the sinus node. This makes the implantation of a pacemaker or bypasses necessary in order to sustain a required heart rate.

So after that, I realized how I couldn’t be there in time if something serious happens. After living in Hamburg for 4 years, I decided that it’s time to get back. I can work as a truck driver from anywhere. I’m sure to find another company. I think it only took me 2 or 3 weeks to settle everything and move back.

After 2 years, I left again

And this sounds stupid now that I read all of the above. I spent two years with my parents, but now I left again. This time not only for Hamburg but Japan. A whole different country.

My Dad was doing much better during the past two years. He replaced smoking with vaping. He lost weight. He’s going out, bicycling, walking, camping. But he got a permanent pacemaker. He needs that to ensure it won’t happen again. And if it does, that little taser is gonna put some sense back into his heart.

But overall, my parents are healthy. My Dad is using his early retirement to relax and take things slow, but at times it seems like the roof is coming down on him. He’s doing stuff he never touched before, like jigsaw puzzles. Just to have something to do. Now my parents have a camping trailer and often spend time with my uncle and aunt there. That’s great! The last time I saw my Dad on a camping trip, I was 8 or so. But they go much less now during the current pandemic.

For 6 years now, I’ve been living in Japan. Skype, Line Messenger, that’s all we got to see each other. I became a father 15 months ago. My parents still haven’t had a chance to see their granddaughter with their own eyes; hug her. I know how much my grandmother loves me and my brother. So I imagine my parents share the same feelings about their granddaughter.

Yet I was unable to let them meet. And I start wondering whether I will ever be able to, before it’s too late.

Another thing I noticed is how time won’t stop just because I’m here now. They start looking older and older with every new photo they send me. My Dad is getting bald, wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead. His hair doesn’t any longer glimmer in this strong hazelnut brown that still lingers in my memories. Its color starts to fade.

The pandemic isn’t helping either

Even the hometown of my parents got hit hard, with over 3,000 cases in their local community alone. My mother is working as a janitor in a hospital. While she gets all the PPE she needs, it still seems like a big risk. Especially cleaning up. She’s the one who has to wipe that virus away.

I just hope she stays safe. I don’t know if my Dad would survive infection with his underlying conditions.

And I dearly miss them. When I was younger, I had my head too full with my own childish endeavors and life plans. They were “just” that, my parents. But in our later years, before I left for Japan, I learned how my own growing up changed our relationship.

My Dad is no longer a Dad, he’s become a friend. A good one at that. I can talk with him openly and he’s the type of person I could spend hours with, sitting at a bar counter, sucking a bottle of beer while philosophizing about the meaning of life.

And it hurts to miss a friend so dearly. Both my parents. My grandparents too. That’s who I miss. And I wish to see them if only one last time before the wheels of time come for us. If just for them to hold their granddaughter. My brother is with them. But I feel like I could never forgive myself if I miss that last train.

Thank you for reading.

Now I’d like to move that prompt forward. Dipti Pande, Gurpreet Dhariwal, Terri DelCampo-Nelson, Timothy Key, Tim Maudlin, P.G. Barnett, Salam Khan, Terry Mansfield, Kira Dawn, Fiona Sommer, Trista Ainsworth

That’s all names I can think of right now. No one’s forced to do it, but if you’d like, please take a shot at it. And if you’re not tagged, that’s no problem either. Everyone is invited.

Kevin is an editor and writer for the ILLUMINATION publication. Follow him on Twitter and LinkedIn.