Whiteness and the (Not Very Nice) World of Dating Apps
This piece is going to encompass various parts of my life that don’t always intersect — my venturing as a writer on Medium, my single life as a divorced woman, and my tendency to disrupt whiteness and privilege.
Okay, here it goes.
Background:
I’ve been officially divorced for almost two years but separated and living on my own (with teens in tow) for over four years.
Believe it or not, throughout this time, I haven’t dated. Most of it was by choice and the last couple of years felt a bit forced due to the pandemic and how difficult it made everything.
A few months ago, after growing tired of yet another solo Friday night, I decided to finally try out the online dating scene (WTF was I thinking?).
First of all, I had no clue what I was getting into, and I’ve learned the hard way that online dating was definitely not intended for ‘older’ women like me (I’m in my 40s and according to my evil teens I’m officially a boomer).
Not only are dating apps rife with weirdos, creepers, and Trumpsters, it’s also a space where the worst human behaviors are on full display. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ghosted and how many inappropriate messages I’ve received.
As I unsuccessfully tried to locate a decent man for a possible date over a few months’ time, I realized that the online dating world is yet another place where whiteness prevails.
Observation 1: The online dating scene is replete with white dudes and unfortunately only a small percentage of men of color (sad face).
As a fiery Xicana who grew up in a big city and amidst primarily BIPOC, I have an innate attraction to darker features and of course, men of color.
To my utter disappointment, as I swiped and scrolled my fingers raw, I soon realized that the online dating apps were sadly devoid of men of color (or at least the ones I’ve been on).
Profile after profile featured white man after white man. For women who have a white man fetish, this is definitely your scene. But, for women like me who are looking for beautiful dark skin and dreamy dark eyes, there’s little hope for success. It’s starting to feel that winning the lottery has better odds than finding my dream-date man of color on these apps.
Observation 2: White men on dating apps are quick to demonstrate their privilege and toxic behaviors.
Because I paid a three-month membership up front, I’ve been sticking around wasting my precious time on the said dating apps.
Many of my interactions have ended up in unpleasant political debates (I make it clear up front that Trumpsters should steer clear, but this seems to attract them instead) or exchanges in which I realize yet again that vanilla is not my flavor no matter how nice the packaging looks.
So, the other night as I was scrolling and scrolling looking for my melanin honey, YAWM (yet another white man) messaged me and immediately started praising my profile. “I love your profile! You’re gorgeous! You seem amazing!” His profile (which was very long) presented him as a more liberal thinker so I was willing to engage in friendly chatting (there was nothing else for me to do anyway).
He immediately started asking me many questions including what I did for a living to which I always provide very general responses. As women we have to exert caution on these sites so I’m not comfortable using my real name or disclosing too many details about my life, especially before I actually meet someone in person.
This dude literally said, “I think I love you!” after I told him about my justice-oriented profession and my dedication to fighting racism. I was like, “Okay, maybe this white guy isn’t that bad,” but then within only a few minutes everything shifted abruptly.
Why? Because the dude who shared he was a professor got all hurt when I questioned his statement meant to impress me that all academics were activists. As a former faculty member, I know this is definitely not the case and especially as someone (me) who’s been on the ground fighting alongside community for years, I know that he was making a major misstatement.
So, what does he do? He wields his white privilege, tells me that I don’t know what I’m talking about even though I was in the academic world myself. As I’m writing my reply to call out his ignorance and white privilege, he un-matches me and I think blocks me (if that’s possible). I was like WTF?! The man didn’t even have the courtesy and courage to engage in a debate with me.
After I muttered a few obscenities and cooled down, I went into my researcher-mode and was able to figure out who he was with only one, yes one, Google search.
I sent him an email. Subject: What a jerk! Message: For being a professor who specializes in mediation you sure didn’t display that skill set. Also, you should keep your white privileged academic self in check.
Moral of the story: Apparently dating apps are not suitable for this spicy Xicana ISO a potential BIPOC man-friend.