ILLUMINATION BOOK CHAPTERS (UPDATED LIST OF CHAPTERS HERE) … ROMANTIC COMEDY — QUIRKY ROMP — CO-STARS MOOCHER THE DOG

‘White Lies and Custard Creams’ — Chapter Twenty-Seven

She was on the lookout for boring lodgers

‘White Lies and Custard Creams’ cover on phone, tablet and paperback, by Susan Alison

He was much too broad across the shoulders to fit through the dog flap so she didn’t even mention it. He looked the type to never, ever forget his keys anyway. He looked the strong, silent and thoroughly dependable type. He looked the type who would clean the bath before he got in it as well as after he got out of it. She was sure he would always pay his rent on time, unprompted. Yes, he would go to bed, sober, alone, at ten and get up at six. He was a tax specialist. He had a clean driving licence.

He looked as boring as square-cut meat-paste sandwiches.

He seemed to be mind-numbingly fussy about washing and cleaning facilities. (That was a shame, but she promised him some building work, a new bathroom and a complete spring-clean before he moved in.)

His litany of references was as tedious as it was long.

His sex appeal was as magnetic as a cistern’s.

He wouldn’t know how to tell a lie, white or otherwise.

He was exactly the type of lodger that she was looking for these days.

Liz glanced at Hugh. She was glad she’d asked him sit in on the vetting of any new lodgers – seeing as how she’d been so bad at it, and he was delighted to be asked again. He smiled at her to show his approval of Wayne. It merely had the effect of making her forget why she was there. God, he was a sexy beast! She couldn’t wrench her gaze from his lips.

Suddenly, Wayne said, “Is that a finger your dog has in his mouth? Surely not…”

Eek – not Stella’s pickled finger! She whipped around and sure enough Moocher had a finger in his mouth. Two sensations assailed her. Relief that he hadn’t actually eaten it before. It would make him a cannibal, almost. But also dread – how to get out of this one?

“Moocher. Come here. There’s a good dog.” She waved her hand at him enticingly. He looked suspiciously at her and suddenly sprinted towards the back door and clatter-thunked out into the garden.

There was the definite sound of people holding their breath until she spoke. “We, er, we have someone who lodges with us who works in… um, works in the local joke manufacturing plant. That’s just a finger from one of those arms you see sticking out of people’s car boots.” She looked over her shoulder. Good grief, where had these incredible powers of fabrication come from?

She wondered who the hell that was who worked in the local joke manufacturing plant that didn’t exist. Ohmigod. What was happening to her? She was turning into someone else.

Liz saw Hugh’s lips twitch and waited to hear what he’d say, when Simon erupted from the hall into the breakfast room. “Stop that dog. He’s got Stella’s finger. She wants to take it back to the lab where she got it from.” He chased out through the back door and she could hear him and Moocher playing a happy game of catch out there, cheered on by a few lodgers who watched from next door.

Wayne’s mouth fell open.

“Did you know that, Hugh?” Liz said, feebly, knowing he already knew, considering this was Simon’s room they were interviewing Wayne for... “Simon and Stella are getting back together. Isn’t that good news?”

“This is the house of happy-ever-afters,” Melanie announced as she trailed through to join Simon in the garden, carefully not looking at Wayne but flushing delicately up the back of her neck.

Wayne’s eyes tried to leap out of their sockets to follow her. She was wearing her Sunday afternoon resting gear, which consisted of a lot of frilly not much. “Do I get the room?” he finally croaked, his mouth obviously having dried out so much he could barely speak.

“Yes. You’ll fit in just fine,” Liz said. “Here’s your key and now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be back later.”

Shyly she dropped her gaze from Hugh’s, made off down the hall and out the front door, Moocher at her heels. They jumped over the wall, she opened the door and dashed upstairs, tearing off her clothes as she went. Throwing herself onto the big bed she hugged a Christmas stocking to herself, although it was only August, and waited for the one man in the world who could make her life complete.

The end

Chapter Twenty-Six of ‘White Lies and Custard Creams’ is here!

That’s it! We’ve reached the end of this novel. I hope you enjoyed it.

All ‘White Lies and Custard Creams’ chapters to read are here.

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‘White Lies and Stakeouts’ follows on from ‘White Lies and Custard Creams’, although, it too, can stand alone.

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