White Girl From Oxford Ends Racism

It took less than a day, what’s wrong with the rest of you?

Oxford, England. Local reports indicate that one privately educated white woman has managed to single-handedly solve the problem of racism. In what local reporters are calling “a modern miracle”.

India Dunking-Hobknob (19), is a second-year English Literature student at Cambridge University. The popular student is heiress to a biscuit-based fortune. Her father, Jeremy Hobknob, recently stepped down as chair of the McVities biscuit dynasty. Her mother Ophelia Dunking, is a socialist.*

India recently returned from a parent funded gap-year to the real India, which her grandfather part-owned and where she got her namesake. At the gala celebrating her return, she announced the solution for racism to a collection of stunned family and friends.

“It was amazing, one minute we were all just having Espresso Martinis by the beagle shaped infinity pool, the next we were in a whole new era of racial harmony.”

Despite being asked ‘not to talk politics and embarrass herself’, India Dunking-Hobknob overthrew the oppressive yoke of her highly Conservative parents and threw an impromptu sermon over a bottomless brunch.

She credits much of her insight to a revelation that happened during her time in the Himalayas with three other members of the Lacrosse team. At some point between the novelty crudités and the amuse-bouche, ‘Indie’, as she prefers to be called, made world history.

“It was as the sun was setting on the third day that it came to me. I’d been watching the sunset and waiting for the sherpas to bring our sledge up — and I thought…. what if, just what if…. everyone was just less racist?’

As far as the young ingenue was aware, this provocative yet simple solution had hitherto managed to pass the world by. Concerned her revelatory fragment of sociological insight may vanish like scotch mist over her sherpa-made yak-butter supper, she recorded the comment in her journal.

The page now rests in the ‘Cecil Rhodes Museum for White Insight’ — a lasting testimony to the official end of racism in the Western world. Excited scholars have poured over the page to see if it contains any further world-changing diktats.

Preliminary investigations show that the page also contains a recipe for sourdough, the lyrics to Driving License by Olivia Rodrigo, and a heavily scribbled out semi-irregular sonnet to someone named JTB.

Reporters believe this is Cambrdige rower and freelance underwear model, Jasper Thermos-Babbage.

Now safely back in the £8.6 million pound home she grew up in, Indie is as excited as ever to put her insight into action. She’s formed an all-female theatre group that seeks to empower marginalised voices (wherever they may be).

The theatre group tentatively named ‘Eternally Beige’ — as this is what you get when you mix all skin colours together — has already recorded a new single and music video for founding member Catherine Cottingley-Spinclass.

The song titled ‘Life is a zebra crossing and we must be careful where we tread’ will have a debut release next Monday and the whole group is thrilled. After getting plenty of praise from their friends and securing additional funding from the Dunning-Kruger Foundation, the group believe it has the capacity to go platinum within a week.

And when a group of white girls from Oxford put their mind to ending racism, what in the world can stop them?

• correction. A previous version of this report named Ophelia Dunking as a socialist. Following contact from her lawyers, the authors would like to stress that Ophelia Dunking is in fact a socialite.

I’m having fun experimenting in the humor tag at the moment. Want to read something with a more Dickensian vibe?