While I was fixing me for you, I fell in love with me …
The day I met you, I will never forget, I walked upstairs into your boardroom, there you were sitting, we had spoken before on the phone a few times, I could hear in your voice you were one of them. Those good guys that are hard to find, it always sounded like you spoke with the biggest smile, never rude, direct and honest, but always polite and spoke with confidence. The time finally arrived where I could put a face to that handsome voice, and I was not disappointed, I was greeted by a strong tall, handsome man, with the most amazing green eyes and smile. During our meeting I had to keep making sure I wasn’t caught day dreaming, wondering if you were married, and if she appreciated you for the amazing man that you are. Hoping that maybe you were single, but then I thought how would I get a guy like you, you are totally out of my league, you probably wouldn’t even look at me!
You being my customer we would speak on the phone at least twice a month, I loved it when you called, hearing your voice made my day, the times when I had to call you, I would be so nervous, I would be relived if you didn’t answer, so then I would text instead, not because I didn’t want to speak to you, I did so much want to speak to you, I could have listened to you talk to me all day, just because I was afraid you would catch on that I liked you.
We didn’t get to meet that often, but when we did, I would try make sure that I day I dressed well, I would be so filled with nerves of excitement that I would feel myself blushing just thinking about seeing you, always sitting in the meeting trying to control nerves, hoping you don’t look at me too deeply.
A couple of years went by, till one day, I was at your office, not sure why, but you started speaking to me more on personal level, asking me questions about me, as if you wanted to get to know me better, I don’t think I was going through a great time and I seemed to have shed a tear, I would never forget that time, I walked out thinking, this man really is one in a million, a man I would be proud to call my Man, but thinking you could never be mine, I have done so many wrong things in life, how could I ever be good enough for a man like you!
I unfortunately can’t remember all the details as clear as what I would like to, these were the days I was still happily drinking my life away.
I hadn’t realized this yet, but if I wanted a good man, I needed to change, I needed to love myself first, I needed to understand what I wanted, I needed to be willing to commit, not only to you but to me and to loving me, I would need to change my bad habits.
We shared some texts here and there, there was day when you sent me a text, mentioning you’d like to see me in a bikini, that’s when I took the opportunity and immediately replied “are you not involved?” I also thought, oh no is he like all other men and only sees me for sex! I am not sure what happened after that, but to fast forward a bit, the day came where we decided to finally go on our first date.
The night came, our first date, I remember you picked me up in your double cab, because I asked you to, as I don’t drive at night. I was so nervous, I didn’t know what to say, at dinner when you spoke, all I could think about is how I am not right for you, I could never meet the standard of woman you are looking for, or have been with, nor could I give you any commitment, I needed to sort out my stuff first, I needed to find out who I was and what I wanted out of this thing called life. You spoke about having so much vision for your future, you knew exactly what you wanted for the year ahead, and you had no doubt that you were going to do it. I did not see myself fit in to that life in any way, I was not ready for someone like you. I didn’t know what I wanted to do tomorrow, I was still a lost and empty person with only hope that my life could get better, but with no plan or vision.
After that first date, we both agreed that it was a hit and a miss, no connection, it was the strangest thing, I wanted you, I liked you, but I didn’t feel right to move forward with us. A year went by, we still kept in contact, I think it came more from me on a personal level, but you were kind enough to respond and play the part. You were still fair to me in business and we had a few laughs here and there, I noticed that even though I had someone in my life , you never ever changed towards me, you always treated me with respect and remained “a friend” you never tried to get back at me or hurt me, and that was when I saw the true you and began to value you.
A year after our date, we had a meeting at your office, I was working for a new company and we had to meet to discuss opportunities, it was the first time I had seen you after our first date. When I saw you, I said to myself “I really like this guy, why did I let him go?” During the drive home all I wanted to do what message him, and tell him how good he looks and all I wanted to do was kiss him, but I couldn’t do that, I told him he was too young for me, what if he tells me he is involved now, or not interested, I will look like a fool!
TAKE A CHANCE ON YOU, TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE …
Later that evening sitting on the couch, typing and deleting the message over and over, I finally send the message. “Hi, it was great seeing you earlier today, you are looking well and I really like your T-shirt” it was a great T-shirt with a big smiley face. It suited him so well, because he always has a smile, I could be having the worst day and just hearing his voice would take all my worries away. So back to the message, he replied, saying it was great to see me to, and that we should get a coffee sometime, we also started flirting a little and shared some interesting thoughts, it felt exciting.
At this point I had stopped drinking, started a new job and had began to get some direction in my life. I was thinking about what I wanted out of life, and how I was going to get it. I knew I wanted to be with someone, no just anyone, I knew that I added value to a relationship and I believed in my self worth, this time I wasn’t that lost little girl.
So our coffee date was postponed due to me coming down with the flu and then the following week, he came down with the flu, 3 weeks later we ended up having our second date, and we went out for a pizza down the road, he picked me up, this time he insisted on a kiss hello when I got in the car. His lips so soft so full, a perfect fit to mine. The night was great, I was myself, no holding back, (maybe just a little). We spoke, we laughed, we got to know each other with no expectations or motives, from that night we took each day slow, I was making an effort everyday to be a better me, to be stronger and more focused, to be consistent and overcome my fears of commitment and self love, self awareness. I started a journal and kept at it, every night I would right down what I was thankful for and you were one of them, I was thankful for the knowledge you shared with me and the time you took to spend with me, I was thankful for the courage you gave me to appreciate myself and to put myself first, you never wanted to change me, you never invaded in my space, you just let me grow and become the person I was meant to be for me.
When there is no self gain, and ego does not rule … only good can come to life …
8 months later, here we are, from meeting once a week to now seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week. Still offering each other the same support, respecting each others space and having fun where ever we go. Your patience and kindness not only with me, but with Spike and the people we encounter only lets me fall farther in love with you each day. I haven’t told you I love you yet, because I am so afraid that once I say it out loud, it will be acknowledged, and then you will really see just how strong my feeling are for you.
Who ever would have thought I would have been able to find myself while in a relationship, normally relationships consume a person to the point that one losses themselves, but with us, we grew stronger in out careers, physical health and personal development. Yes there are time, where I feel like I want to run, but that is only the old me trying to creep in at time to self sabotage, one day she will be completed faded and a distant memory.
Next month I start a new career path, and I know you are by my side to support me, I can not wait to make you proud, I cannot wait to make me proud to show myself what I really am capable of. I am so excited to be living this life and to be sharing my future with you. Thank you for letting me find me
… I LOVE YOU …