Which Would You Prefer: Your Child As The Bully Or As The Victim?

Is it worse to be bullied or to bully?

With my eldest having just started school this year I have found myself reflecting on bullying. Then recently I was browsing Quora and this topic popped up:

Would you prefer that your child be bullied or be the bully?

Wow! What a hard question.

I mean, obviously as parents we would prefer neither of these options. But if you had to choose one, which would it be?

No parent wants to believe their child is capable of hurting others. So you don’t want them to be a bully.

But no parent wants to see their child the victim of a bully either.

Which is the lesser of two evils? Which would you choose?

What is bullying?

This is a great definition of bullying:

Bullying refers to any intentional and repeated behaviour which causes physical, emotional or social harm to a person who has, or is perceived to have, less power than the person who bullies (Australian Education Authorities 2019; Kids Helpline 2019; Australian Human Rights Commission 2012).

Bullying is complex. It is not a clear-cut issue with a perfect set of strategies and steps to solve the problem. It is multi-faceted and has substantial impacts on not only the victim of bullying, but the perpetrators and witnesses.

Why do children become bullies?

There are many reasons why children bully others and identifying these reasons can help us support our children in changing their behaviours.

Children may turn to bullying because they want to improve their own social status or feel empowered. This is usually if they are suffering from low self-esteem or struggle in social situations.

Children can also become bullies if they are angry, frustrated or are the victim of bullies. They may also fail to recognise their behaviour and the impact on those around them, or have a lack of remorse.

If you know or suspect your child is bullying others, don’t be quick to judge them (or yourself). Look at WHY they behave this way. What is happening in their life? What has happened previously?

It is important to support your child and to help them identify those negative behaviours. Have open and honest conversations with your child. Teach them resilience and how to resolve conflicts and manage emotions without hurting those around them.

The impact of being bullied.

Aside from the immediate emotional and physical consequences of being bullied, children may also be impacted by:

• Depression
• Risk of suicide or self-harm
• Social isolation and/or anxiety
• Low self esteem
• Poor academic performance
• Aggressive behaviour
• Stress related health problems such as headaches, stomach pain, or other physical illness.
• Increased risk of developing mental health issues such as eating disorders or anxiety disorders.
• Difficulty coping with transitions in their life, such as graduating school or moving out of home.

What to do if your child is being bullied.

The most important thing we can do to help our child who is the victim of bullying is to listen and support them. Assure your child that none of it is their fault, that those bullying behaviours are a reflection of the perpetrator not your child.

Provide a safe place for your child to speak freely about what is happening and help them come up with a solution. This is essential. Bullying often makes the victim feel powerless, so by letting them guide the problem-solving process you are empowering them to take action and feel strong.

Encourage your child to speak to someone they trust, and inform teachers if it is happening at school.

If you feel the bullies actions are threatening or violent, you can always make a report to the police.

The impact of being a bully.

We all know the impact of being a victim of bullies. It is well documented. There are many movies, tv shows and books with bullies and victims of bullies. But, do we know how being a bully impacts children?

• They don’t recognise the difference between right and wrong.
• Substance abuse.
• Increased risk of dropping out of school.
• Academic problems.
• Increased risk of sexual harassment, aggression and violence.
• Relationship difficulties.
• Can lead to other criminal activities.

What to do if your child is bullying others

We need to challenge the bullying culture. We need to teach our children that bullying is NEVER ok, and that starts at home.

If your child has bully-like behaviours, you need to hold them accountable. But don’t mistake this for playing a blame game. It is not about yelling and making them feel worse. It is about teaching them how impulsive or bullying behaviour makes those around them feel.

Talking to your child, helping them problem-solve and discover WHY they are bullying is a great step toward changing these behaviours. Once you identify the emotions and impulses behind their negative behaviour you will both have a better understanding of what is driving them. This makes it easier to come up with strategies to help.

So, bully or bullied?

To me, it is not clear which is worse.

What is clear is the need to teach our children emotional intelligence and resilience. To be kind and to think of others. I don’t want my child to be bullied or to bully someone else, but if the situation arises I want them to be equipped with strategies to cope. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and will never worry that I will judge or be angry. I want them to know that I am their safe space, and always will be.

So, I cannot answer this question. Perhaps it is something to ask our children. I am sure the answers would be very interesting.

Rachel Maree is a writer, mum and registered nurse. Bringing you the real truth to parenting, nursing and writing (even when it is downright ugly). You can read more articles or hire her to write amazing content for you — Rachel Maree.

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