Where Has The Love Gone?
(Nowhere, It’s Right Here)
Say Good Bye to Disappointment
Usually, we spend most of our time trying to make someone into a person who meets our dreams or needs. When they can’t or won’t change in the way we want them to, we complain that we don’t know where the love went. That was not love in the first place, only need and fantasy.
For many couples, the first months of a relationship are glorious, as they live out and project their fantasies upon each other. Naturally, this can only last so long. Usually after six to nine months, other aspects of the couple’s nature begin to be revealed. This is the point when so many say, “I don’t know where the love went.” Or, “I love you, but I’m no longer in love.”
Of course, it is not love that has gone anywhere; it is the false, fantasy self that has cracked apart. The false self cannot remain indefinitely, and when other parts of our personality begin to emerge, it seems as though the person we knew has disappeared.
Charles was devastated. He idolized his mentor, the person who was everything he longed to be. After a few years of studying with him, a scandal erupted. Charles learned secrets about his mentor’s life that shocked him. They were in direct opposition to everything the mentor taught and seemed to be. Charles couldn’t eat or sleep and was stricken to the core.
How Could He Be Betray Me Like This?
“How could he betray me like this?” Charles said over and over. “I feel like a fool for having loved him so much. Whatever he taught was garbage. I’ll never trust again.”
You Didn’t Love Him; You Loved Your Fantasy About Him
A friend of Charles listened. “You didn’t love the teacher,” he said. “You loved your fantasy about him, your image of who you wanted him to be. When you know the truth about a person and still love them, then you’re doing something.”
When you build a life based upon an image of who you or another person has to be to be valued, you are building your life on sand. You are not able to know or love the person, only your fantasies. At any moment things can change, and other parts of this person can be exposed. Then your dreams are pulled out from under you.
The Zen Master and His Nephew
There is a beautiful story describing a Zen master and his nephew. This story presents a different way of being with others. It points to where love truly is, and what is needed for a person and a relationship to truly grow.
A Zen Master’s brother called him one day and begged him for help with his son. This boy had become unruly and was getting worse. No matter what the father tried to do, the young man wouldn’t listen. He was out late at night carousing, drinking, and listening to wild music; he wouldn’t obey his family at all. The Master’s brother was desperate.
“We are at our wit’s end. I need you to come to our home for a week to help.” the Zen Master’s brother pleaded.
The Zen master agreed. He went to his brother’s home, unpacked, and greeted his wild nephew warmly. The nephew didn’t know what to expect.
The Zen master then simply decided to spend the week accompanying the young man wherever he went. He went along with the nephew to the bars at night, and joined his group of friends. Every day the young man waited for a scolding when they came home. But the Zen master said nothing at all.
All week long he accompanied his nephew to parties, rock concerts, houses of ill repute, wherever the young man went. At the end of each day, the young man waited for a lecture, but it never came. The Zen master simply joined him and kept him company wherever he went.
Finally, the week ended, and the young man didn’t know what to think. The time came for The Zen Master to go home, and he went to his room to pack his things. Sad that his uncle was leaving, the young man came into the room to join him. The boy sat quietly watching his uncle pack and say something. But still, no words of rebuke were offered.
Then the Zen Master bent down to tie his shoelace, and as he did, a tear fell from his eyes, down his cheek.
The nephew saw the tear and was shocked. He was so touched, he could not move or say a word. After that, even though he might have wanted to, the young man could not return to his old life.
Stop and Consider: What does it mean to truly accompany a person, with no judgment or blame? Whom do you truly accompany? Can you accompany yourself?
To truly guide another, the first step is to experience who they truly are, to build a bridge of love and connection. To do so, you must be willing to accept them just as they are right now — to experience their reality — know them truly. The Zen Master did that, and his spontaneously loving response, his tears, turned his nephew’s life around. It made him feel deeply valued. The nephew saw the larger picture then and was able to grow naturally.
Discovering Your Authentic Self
“Don’t look for what is real. Just let go of all that is unreal, and your authentic self will arise all by itself.”
First, we must become aware of how we cling to that which is not real and play false roles of all kinds. Then let those roles go.
When Another Person Feels Really Known, They Feel Loved
Notice how much time you spend offering a superficial, social response, not really looking, listening, speaking, or experiencing the other person’s situation. When another person feels really known, they feel loved.
Restoring the Self
There are many recovery groups these days. How about the recovery of the Real Self? Addictions and obsessions are fueled by the hunger for The Real Self and the emptiness of life without it. Once the Real Self is recovered, equilibrium is established, and everything else falls into place.
Author: Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. is an author, psychologist, speaker, and long-term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses on ways of making the teachings real in our everyday life. This article is from her book, Fearless, (Seven Principles of Peace of Mind).
Her weekly podcast, Zen Wisdom For Your Everyday Life has been going on for over five years.
Turn the Page | spiritual and personal growth
Turn the page offers spiritual and personal growth integrating teachings from East and West, including Zen and other teachings…
The Takeaway by Lewis Harrison “Ask Lewis”
I love reading, and sharing what great teachers create. Great wisdom bypasses my left brain intellect and connects that part of me that seeks meaning, love, kindness, empathy, and clarity.
I have many friends and associates, who are respected teachers. They usually share their creations with their fans and followers. I want those who know and appreciate my work to expand their horizons and explore and share the ideas of important teachers like Dr. Shoshana. Here, I have gotten permission from her to repost their important writings.
I have known Brenda for almost three decades. She is a powerful Zen teacher, with deep appreciation of, and understanding of Talmudic wisdom.
When it states written by Lewis Harrison at the bottom of this story it refers to my Medium Portal. This specific story is by Brenda Shoshana Ph.D.
