Where Does Your Happiness Come From?

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2012

Abstract

can lose. The needs beneath the surface however are what drive you toward or away from things and people, like the wind in a sail. Without the wind, your sail is empty. Without <i>understanding</i> the wind, you won’t be able to sail your ship. You can have all of the things you want, and still not understand what makes you happy.</p><h1 id="adce">Figuring out your needs is like finding the key to the treasure box.</h1><p id="cec2">Once you understand what your core needs are, you can make precise choices that are more likely to fulfil those needs, and avoid situations that will most likely not.</p><p id="fe6f"><b>Example 1: </b>Let’s say you figure out that one of your core needs is dependability. If that’s the case, then in order to be happy, you’ll need a job that does not fluctuate, that you know will always be there. You’ll need a relationship with someone you know without a shadow of a doubt you can depend on. Owning a house will probably be more fulfilling for you than renting a new one every year or two. Situations that are unpredictable or unsafe may not be appealing to you.</p><p id="f35d"><b>Example 2:</b> If one of your main core needs is excitement, then you’ll be happier in a job that has a lot of change, challenge, and stimulation. You might also gravitate toward tumultuous or passionate relationships…which may or may not be good for you. In this case, you’d need to make sure you get your need for excitement fulfilled by something that won’t cause you emotional pain and avoid the tumultuous and potentially harmful relationship. Or, find a partner who excites you but who is not bad for you. If you understand that one of your core needs is excitement, you can make sure you get your needs for excitement met, but do so consciously. This way you can avoid situations that bring the kind of excitement that’s painful or traumatic (which is what we do when we are not consciously making choices to fulfil our needs).</p><p id="51e5">We all have more than one core need, but u

Options

sually, only two or three drive us more than anything else. If we can do the introspective work to find out what those three things are, we can look at our past and our current life and understand why we made a lot of our choices. This work does take quite a bit of self-honesty. In order to do it, we will shift from blaming others for things that didn’t go so well, and start seeing where we actually chose those situations to fulfil some of our core needs. Sometimes we try to fulfil our needs in ways that are kind of twisted. For example, the need for connection can surface as a need for attention. In this case, the need for attention would be a more surface need. If we figure out that we do things because of a need for attention, we haven’t found the deep, core need yet. The deep core need would most likely be connection, recognition, acceptance, or contribution. When we find these deeper core needs, we start to understand ourselves on a much more honest and fruitful level.</p><h2 id="73b5">If we understand our needs, we will understand what makes us happy.</h2><p id="80f0">We’ll also understand why some situations are so painful for us. When it comes to healing from old hurts, this can be incredibly valuable information. Once we start to see what drives us and how we have, in some ways, misguided ourselves toward hurtful situations because we didn’t understand the need driving us, we can truly start to forgive ourselves. We will also cut out a lot of (future) wasted attempts at finding fulfilment and make a beeline for situations that have a much higher potential for actual, sustainable fulfilment.</p><p id="8a81"><i>Melissa Raise is the owner of Raise the Bar Wellness. She is a Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach, and Licensed Massage Therapist with 18 years of experience helping people become more comfortable and successful. She also sells high-quality supplements from many brand names, to support her clients in their utmost well-being.</i></p></article></body>

I can tell you this: Misery comes from THINKING you know what makes you happy…

When asked what makes them happy, a lot of people will say “having a lot of money” or having the house or relationship of their dreams.

Those of us who are parents might say our kids make us happy.

And all of these things would be true…to an extent. Getting what you think makes you happy may help you feel some fulfilment, but it doesn’t mean that you really understand what makes you happy. Things and people in and of themselves will never make you anything. To be more precise, happiness does not come from things or money or people. It comes from what those things, money, or people fulfil within you.

At the base of things that make you happy, is a need that’s being fulfilled. And at the base of things that make you unhappy, is a need that is NOT being fulfilled. Let’s take having money as an example. Some rich people are happy. Some rich people are not. If money made people happy, then all people with money would be happy. But true lasting happiness does not come from the things that you seek. It comes from the fulfilment of the need that drives you to the things you seek. Money, things, even relationships, family, your house, your job, are all surface items. They’re something you can see, something you can seek, something you can lose. The needs beneath the surface however are what drive you toward or away from things and people, like the wind in a sail. Without the wind, your sail is empty. Without understanding the wind, you won’t be able to sail your ship. You can have all of the things you want, and still not understand what makes you happy.

Figuring out your needs is like finding the key to the treasure box.

Once you understand what your core needs are, you can make precise choices that are more likely to fulfil those needs, and avoid situations that will most likely not.

Example 1: Let’s say you figure out that one of your core needs is dependability. If that’s the case, then in order to be happy, you’ll need a job that does not fluctuate, that you know will always be there. You’ll need a relationship with someone you know without a shadow of a doubt you can depend on. Owning a house will probably be more fulfilling for you than renting a new one every year or two. Situations that are unpredictable or unsafe may not be appealing to you.

Example 2: If one of your main core needs is excitement, then you’ll be happier in a job that has a lot of change, challenge, and stimulation. You might also gravitate toward tumultuous or passionate relationships…which may or may not be good for you. In this case, you’d need to make sure you get your need for excitement fulfilled by something that won’t cause you emotional pain and avoid the tumultuous and potentially harmful relationship. Or, find a partner who excites you but who is not bad for you. If you understand that one of your core needs is excitement, you can make sure you get your needs for excitement met, but do so consciously. This way you can avoid situations that bring the kind of excitement that’s painful or traumatic (which is what we do when we are not consciously making choices to fulfil our needs).

We all have more than one core need, but usually, only two or three drive us more than anything else. If we can do the introspective work to find out what those three things are, we can look at our past and our current life and understand why we made a lot of our choices. This work does take quite a bit of self-honesty. In order to do it, we will shift from blaming others for things that didn’t go so well, and start seeing where we actually chose those situations to fulfil some of our core needs. Sometimes we try to fulfil our needs in ways that are kind of twisted. For example, the need for connection can surface as a need for attention. In this case, the need for attention would be a more surface need. If we figure out that we do things because of a need for attention, we haven’t found the deep, core need yet. The deep core need would most likely be connection, recognition, acceptance, or contribution. When we find these deeper core needs, we start to understand ourselves on a much more honest and fruitful level.

If we understand our needs, we will understand what makes us happy.

We’ll also understand why some situations are so painful for us. When it comes to healing from old hurts, this can be incredibly valuable information. Once we start to see what drives us and how we have, in some ways, misguided ourselves toward hurtful situations because we didn’t understand the need driving us, we can truly start to forgive ourselves. We will also cut out a lot of (future) wasted attempts at finding fulfilment and make a beeline for situations that have a much higher potential for actual, sustainable fulfilment.

Melissa Raise is the owner of Raise the Bar Wellness. She is a Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach, and Licensed Massage Therapist with 18 years of experience helping people become more comfortable and successful. She also sells high-quality supplements from many brand names, to support her clients in their utmost well-being.