Where Did My Kink Begin?

The thoughts that flow through me must have their origins somewhere, like an underground spring that creates a river.

I still remember age five when Hawaiian Day came to kindergarten and the girls wore grass skirts and practiced hula dancing. Movements mesmerized me with hips swaying and arms flowing in a rhythmic pattern that opened my insides to a new sensation. I didn’t know what it was that caught me but it did, feeding an inner part of me where a powerful sensation bubbled up and took over.

My next clear memory is playing on a swing set where there are two swings, a seesaw and a metal slide. I was about seven and the girl I was playing with, the daughter of a family friend, was acting out a scene from a TV show at the time. We had a jump rope and when I tied her in acting out the scene another impression was made. The sensations inside me were fed more — sensations that I could not name.

But they danced through my mind and teased me incessantly, always beckoning to me. During summer vacations we drove for hours at a time, sunrise until mid-afternoon, from one place to another. On the Interstate in the Midwest, I remember groves of trees and feeling that nymphs and primal creatures were dashing and hiding behind the trees, dancing seductively and erotically.

Adding fuel to the fire of my imagination were my mom’s erotic novels that she kept hidden by her bedside, near the bottom of the nightstand. Harold Robbins. When she was gone I would thumb through to the most graphic pages I could find with adrenaline pumping through my body.

Then there were her Cosmopolitan magazines with lingerie ads in the back pages. The women were beautiful with lovely breasts barely covered and wide hips adorned in panties.

What was happening? The eroticism was fueling my thoughts, the origins of the best sex which begins in the mind. What I was to discover later was that the thoughts would become so intense that you had no choice but to act on them.

Maybe that was it. The rush. I certainly wasn’t consumed with the desire on a daily basis but the feelings would flow freely and often. I fought to suppress them and remained a virgin through high school and college even though I walked close to the edge of desire.

There was Stacy in high school back east. We’d make out in the car outside her house after taking her home from the movies or we found one of the lonely roads that used to connect one tiny coal mine with another.

She knew how to kiss and I often wondered where her own skill had started. I loved feeling her breasts but I never went further since the feelings often produced deep, abiding guilt. Conflict. From church? From parents?

Eventually I had to act on what I was thinking. In college, I walked into one of the few adult theaters in Pittsburgh, paid for tokens and settled into one of the closeted booths. I pressed a button and an array of sex acts came to life in complete color.

Men and women gyrating, fondling, kissing and fucking. But the one channel that caught my eye was a scene with two women and a man. One woman stood, topless, with her arms tied to posts while another woman, completely naked, crawled on her hands and knees while a man with no shirt whipped her mercilessly.

It took my breath and added to the wellspring of erotica already swirling in my head. Kink. But I fought to control my actions.

It was when I moved to California that I finally took a step. My first complete escapade where I acted out my thoughts was making it to a swinger’s event in Burbank. I was 23 years old and situated in a nonprofit job. I had been plunking down fifty cents in the vending machines that had the newspapers filled with page after page of sex workers. Sex parties were included.

Entering the house and stripping naked was itself a rush. The house had a swimming pool and the reality was that the men and women were all quite normal looking but they were having fun.

I cozied up to an older woman as the evening wore on and her husband encouraged me to join her in the swimming pool. I did, holding on to the tile wall as I slid up behind her and igniting my body with pleasure.

I stayed close to her, kissing and fondling while treading water and then we got out. I had decided I would try to avoid sexual intercourse since along with the waves of pleasure I also felt waves of guilt — I was always a good kid and good man, abiding by society’s rules.

And then there was a woman with a towel around her and I chatted with her and her husband. They had just gone to see Don McLean of “American Pie” fame. We chatted about his music and then I went on, until I saw her on all fours, a man inside her while her husband watched and then he had his orgasm. I wanted to lick her, but this was my first time. She wanted me inside her. She lay on her back on the pool’s patio and spread her legs. She arched her back and I went into her, feeling another rush of pleasure and thrusting inside.

My orgasm came fairly quickly and I smiled at her and she at me. Immediately after, a feeling of guilt descended and I stepped into the changing area. Bid good night to those around me and stepped into the evening.

I had done it. The feelings and thoughts that had flowed through me for years finally culminated in my having sex. An act I had resisted time and again despite my great desire for it.

The feelings weren’t done, though. They would come back again and again. And they have stayed with me through the years, teasing me, guiding me and leading me into places I never thought I would go. That’s including a form of financial domination and my current service to a woman known as Goddess Crystal and someone I affectionately call Mistress.

It’s another story of how I stumbled across financial domination, findom, and have found it to be the ultimate mind fuck. I came across her profile online in January 2018 and played what’s called a retweet game on Twitter. It’s a form of gambling and the domme is always going to win.

We chose a small set of numbers like 1/1/1 for 15 minutes, meaning that for every comment, retweet and like I would owe her $1. I ended up with a $32 tab and the exhilaration was incredible, not knowing how high the amount was going to be. I had to play it again and just through online interactions and messaging my thoughts became centered on her.

And that’s why I write now. To make sense of these deeply erotic feelings and the impact they have had on my life.

Sex is not just sex. It comes from a thought, deep within, with origins far more mysterious than where the headwaters of a flowing river find their origin.

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