When You’re The Fat Girl On The Receiving End Of Sexual Assault
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
We live in a culture that says fat people are not fully people. Bigger than “normal” folks, yet less valuable. Less sexually desirable. Fat women in particular get the short end of the stick since the media has routinely shown that a fat man with a winning personality can snag a conventionally attractive — and thin — female partner.
But it’s rare to see a fat woman paired off with a slim and attractive lover. Unless, of course, that conventionally attractive someone happens to have a big fat fetish. That’s the only way anyone could be attracted to a fat body, right? If we’re the sordid objects of someone’s twisted fantasy.
As fat women we often carry complex relationships with our bodies. Which means being desired for our fatness doesn’t feel like a compliment at all. Besides, fat fetishes are largely hidden. Something to keep under a mattress or at the bottom of a nightstand drawer. A dirty, fat secret to surely be kept in the dark from the view of family or friends.
When attraction to fat women isn’t portrayed as a shameful secret thing, it’s treated like a big fat joke. Fat girls are the ones you screw because you’re desperate in the moment. We’re the ones you use for an easy pump, a quick lay — however you want to say it — you think we’re so easy to use.
It’s assumed that a fat girl with a pretty face still has to settle for an unattractive, fat, rude, or lazy partner. Which is of course, the very thing you think makes us so damn easy to use. We’ve got a reputation for being perpetually desperate, embarrassingly easy, crazy, and overeager in bed. As if we need to try harder than thin girls to be wanted. And even then, we’re wanted for our fat, for our supposed desperation, or for our rumored ability to perform a better blow job.
Because, obviously, we fat girls like to eat, right?
Since fat girls are so often relegated to the dark hush of a secret fetish, it’s hard to believe that we could be the victims of sexual assault, or even it’s supposedly less harmful cousin, sexual misconduct. We’re not even partner material — not for most potential suitors. We’re single-use options. Thrift store finds.
The reality is that despite my being one of the fat girls, and having a body that’s been frequently up and down 100 pounds, most men I date are not fat. Two have been fat, some have been emo skinny, others have had more of the currently famed dad bod. Because I’m very demisexual, I don’t have a physical type. I find basic physical attraction pretty shallow — that’s not to say it never happens to me but it’s exceedingly rare. I care more about a deep emotional and mental connection — if we have those, physical attraction comes easily for me. Which means, I’m confident in my ability to become attracted to any body type or style.
Fat girls can be targeted by men — even men you’d never expect to go there. I’ve never counted out how many times I’ve been sexually assaulted. Or how many times I’ve been on the receiving end of mere sexual misconduct. In part, that’s because assault and misconduct are both very strong words to cover what most women go through on a regular basis.
It’s normal.
We’re practically used to it.
But I also know that if a conventionally pretty girl has an uphill battle reporting any type of sexual assault, it’s even worse for a fat one. Because we’re not desirable people.
That’s why people clap back and say:
Who would ever want to rape a fat chick?
She’s too heavy to pin down.
Fat women should be happy for the attention.
No one else would give her a second look.
Eww, I wouldn’t even be able to keep it up!
So these are just some of the reasons I don’t talk much about sexual assault, even though I think it needs to be discussed in much greater depth, details, and honesty.
But I’m sick of hearing that women need to learn how to become better communicators, because again, that’s putting the blame on us. Don’t men need to know how to listen and accept a no for a no? If I’m on a date that’s going too far, and I say no — why is that not enough? Why must I repeat myself again and again? Why must I physically push my date away because he doesn’t respond to my repeated NOs?
No one grills the man about his reaction to the no, but they sure do grill the woman about how convincing that no really was.
Are you sure you said no?
Sure you said it out loud?
Maybe you gave out mixed signals?
Of course, if you’re fat, they’ll also look you up and down and ask if you’re really sure about your story.
Because decent-looking guys don’t rape fat girls.
They can do much better than that, obviously.
And as a result, it’s just one more facet of sexual misconduct we barely talk about. #MeToo is making some headway in our conversations about sexual misconduct and consent, but it’s only scratching the surface.
As a fat girl in the conversation, I’m damned whether I speak up or stay silent. Speaking up means ridicule. Staying silent means I’m hindering progress.
So I’m working on it and thinking about where and how my voice fits in the conversation.
One of these days I might even tally up the numbers.