When Your World Starts Shrinking

Crow’s Feet Writing Prompt #49

There is a stage of life when you see your freedoms shrinking…

One second piles on top of another, into minutes, hours, days, months, and years. One day we are laughing with friends at a college bar and the next moment we are comforting friends over medical aging issues. Time passing between those two stages of life goes staggeringly fast!

When my family lived in Southern California, I thought nothing of jumping in the car and heading five hours away to San Diego. Or, perhaps I’d meet friends at a fundraiser in Long Beach and drive home again late that night from two hours away. Even a trip up to the mountains was only an hour and a half away from the coast. No problem.

Once we were in the Midwest, a trip to California was only a 28-hour drive straight through. I did the trip many times. Alone or with one other person we easily drove across half of the continent.

Last summer my husband and I took the small motorhome and drove from Iowa to Kentucky and visited friends. Coming home on the eight-hour drive didn’t seem a problem. But, without any warning, I dozed at the wheel and drifted into another lane. (You can read about that in another story here.) Luckily no repercussions due to my husband’s quick reaction in startling me back to being alert!

Now, I won’t even plan a long road trip. I won’t go alone. I can’t just jump in the car and head to a destination that is too far from home. This fact means a loss of my freedom to travel. My world is smaller. However, our grandkids are on opposite coasts. How can I not see them as often as I would like to?

Physically my mobility is hampered by arthritis and spinal issues. My husband and I love big summer swap meets and flea markets. Walking through those is a challenge and he ends up waiting while I have to take a sit-down break. I can recover and move on relatively quickly, but this is still a barrier to my freedom of movement.

Another shrinking freedom is attendance at events. Concerts, bar events, and farmer’s markets in the summer are a challenge due to crowds and seating. Climbing bleachers and stairs and cramped seating just won’t work with a cane and limited mobility. Not needing an actual handicapped spot right down in front makes me hesitant to occupy one of those designated zones.

Energy levels diminish with age. Taking an afternoon nap is almost a requirement. Being in bed by 9 pm is preferable but I can still make a 10 pm bedtime with a little coffee! No, even coffee won’t keep me from sleeping at my age. So, time has become a limit on my freedom as well.

Age has taken some freedoms from me. However, age has also gifted me some freedoms as well.

Financially I don’t worry and struggle as I had to when I was younger. I have a bit of a cushion and a car breakdown or minor home repair isn’t something that will bankrupt us. We can take a weekend trip and not worry about the groceries for the next week. A copay at the pharmacy doesn’t empty the bank account.

The children are grown and making their way in the world. How foolish I was as a young dad when I thought that my big problems were over when the last one was out of diapers! As children get bigger the problems just get bigger. Love relationship woes. Education costs. Relocation costs. Travel costs. Career decisions and career troubles. But they are adults with adult problems and ultimately, I am free from the worries other than as a concerned parent from afar.

Demands on my time are so much less. Semi-retirement has given me more free time for gardening and enjoying my home and garden projects. I have time to write and to read in the library I have built over the years. I love that freedom to enjoy the books that have languished on my bookshelves for years waiting for my attention.

We see each other more. Even after 30-plus years I still enjoy time with my husband. We do give each other space in our rambling old farmhouse-style home, but we also spend time reading together in the den or choosing a new series we want to watch or re-watch.

Perhaps because I have worked for a large funeral home complex for the past 14 years, I have become hyper-aware of the alternative to aging. Being grateful for each day I awake and make my way into the world are not empty words for me. Most of us walk around unaware of our mortality. We give little thought to our end-of-life eventuality. Working in Death Care takes that attitude from you.

I don’t dwell on death or aging. But I live beside it knowing those coming events to be fact. This awareness doesn’t limit my freedom to enjoy my day or my life. Of course, there will be a loss of freedom as we age. But many parts of getting older are incredibly freeing as well.

I encourage you to embrace both the loss and the gifts.