When Your Loved One Has Dementia and You’re Overwhelmed

We offer Caring for Caregivers

It was two in the morning when I heard the commotion. What was she doing now? I bolted from bed and dashed to the living room.

My mother was ramming her walker over and over again into the wooden sculpture next to the hearth. Before I could reach her, a chunk of wood splintered off and flew across the room.

She was trying to get to her recliner, and she couldn’t figure out how to go around the sculpture or take an easier route to the chair.

Her nocturnal episodes were growing more frequent as her dementia worsened.

In the months to come, I would look at these times as the good times. At least she was mobile. When she woke one morning unable to walk, I knew we had turned a corner. It was time to hire help.

Caring for an elderly parent or spouse, especially one with dementia, is all-consuming and overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. It can drain your finances, strip away your freedom, and strain your family relationships. It’s something I don’t wish on anyone, yet it’s something I would do again in a heartbeat.

But knowing you’re doing the best you can and would do it over again doesn’t make it easier. Frequently people caring for a parent or spouse are in their sixties and seventies. They have their own health issues. Or sometimes caregivers are younger, with careers and children.

Either way, it’s hard.

That’s why a small group of us at the church I attend decided to offer Caring for Caregivers seminars. We hold semi-annual, half-day conferences to provide resources and testimonials to help caregivers navigate the challenging terrain of care giving.

Despite postponements due to Covid-19, we’ve been able to conduct three conferences so far. They are free and open to the community, and we’ve had such good feedback that we’re extending the March conference to include additional speakers and lunch.

An attorney who specializes in elder care law will talk about legal issues affecting the elderly. Other speakers are slated to discuss aging at home and knowing when to move to the next steps. Licensed counselors will address self-care for the caregivers, and we’re bringing in a nurse to talk about hospice care.

When I was taking care of my mother, my questions were endless.

Was government or insurance money available for in-house care?

How would I know when to call hospice, and what sort of services did hospice provide?

If I moved my mother to a nursing home, would Medicare or Medicaid provide financial help?

Was respite care available?

When should people buy long-term care insurance?

What happens when siblings disagree about a parent’s care?

What if a parent won’t leave their home, but they can no longer take care of themselves?

We hope our Caring for Caregivers seminars will help people like me; people who want to do the right thing but aren’t always sure what that is.

At the end of each session, our speakers answer questions and direct people to additional resources. We know these conferences are worth it when we hear from people months later, telling us they want to attend another one.

One size doesn’t fit all.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to deciding whether to care for a person at home or move them to a facility. I convinced my mother to move in with me, even though she wanted to stay in her home. But she couldn’t take care of herself and it would have been dangerous for her to remain there.

My friend moved her mother into an assisted living home, and another acquaintance paid $8,000 a month to keep her parent in a nursing home.

It’s not always a parent who needs care. Sometimes it’s a spouse. Two of my friends took care of their husbands with dementia as long as she could, but eventually moved them to memory care facilities. Even if your spouse is not at home, there are a lot of caregiving responsibilities and decisions to make.

Caregivers soldier bravely on, tackling the monumental and frequently thankless task of caring for somebody they love. There are immense challenges but also great rewards. We offer Caring for Caregivers conferences because caregivers deserve to have access to available resources. They deserve all the support they can get.

Here are some things you can do for the caregivers you know.

Offer to sit with their loved one for a short period of time so they can take a walk or go to the grocery store.

Be a listening ear; someone they can laugh or cry with.

Steer them toward resources or support groups.

Drop off a meal.

Help with finances if you are able and they are willing.

Don’t criticize their decisions.

Invite them to do something fun, or bring a movie and snacks to their house and enjoy it with them.

Do whatever else you think is appropriate.

“There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.” — Rosalyn Carter

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