Quitting | Boss Moves | Resignation | Work
When Your Employee Says, “It’s Not You, It’s Me.”
You’re a fantastic boss (you think), but your stellar employee tells you, “I’m resigning.” Gut punch!
It has been an incredible week. My team is performing exceptionally well. I’m happy. My people are happy here!
My first meeting was with a team member, a cornerstone of one of my larger teams. Eager to share my appreciation for their performance at yesterday’s sponsor meeting, they stop me with unexpected news.
They say, “I so appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You have been an inspirational leader, but…” Suddenly, the air grows heavy with the weight of unexpected change.
“What?” I exclaim, sitting up straight and searching their face framed in the Zoom meeting interface.
That question echoes ahead of a gush of more questions barreling through my head. They were doing so well. Did I not give them enough affirmation? Did they want more money? How did I not see this coming? Can I make a counter? What in the world? WHY?!
As a leader who seeks to embody Simon Sinek’s mantra, “Let us all be the leaders we wish we had,” this departure hits me hard.
The question that lingers the longest is, ‘Was it me?’
An Exit Retrospective
After a few days, I felt compelled to write about what I went through when my employee left me. It’s not business. It’s personal — for them and me.
1. — The Sting of Surprise. As a leader, you prioritize anticipating challenges and navigating through turbulent waters. Yet, when a stellar employee reveals their decision to resign, the sting of surprise cuts through the veneer of control. It’s as if the ground beneath your feet has shifted, and you grapple with a sudden, unexpected jolt.
At this moment, there’s a mental scramble to reassess the signs you might have missed.
Was it too much?
This job calls for mental gymnastics to jump through when we shift deadlines (again). Some demands might have kept taking precedence over treasured family time. There is an expectation of unwavering dedication that may weigh heavily against caring for one’s wellness. Perhaps these pieces did not fit together in the puzzle of their work life.
You reflect on the conversations, the one-on-ones where everything seemed smooth, they were handling everything, they were coping, you thought. But…
The surprise is not just about the departure but the breaking of the bond you felt was being nurtured and solidified. It’s about believing your leadership created an environment where your team wanted to stay, thrive, and grow.
2. — The Echo of Self-Doubt. What did I miss? The mind becomes a relentless detective, sifting through mental recordings of meetings, Slack posts, and side conversations for overlooked cues that this departure was on the horizon. A sense of responsibility tightens its grip, demanding accountability for every nuance missed, every unspoken plea for attention.
You grapple with the unsettling notion that perhaps you were too engrossed in the macrocosm of leadership, overlooking the microcosm of individual needs and aspirations. The haunting specter of self-doubt grows.
You believed yourself to be a good boss and an effective leader. The employee, departing with kind words, reinforces your leadership acumen. Yet, doubt creeps in, insidious and relentless.
The adage whispers in your ear: people don’t leave companies; they leave bad managers.
You thought you were different, that you broke the mold. What could you have done differently? The weight of introspection bears down, creating a dissonance between the leader you aimed to be and the one questioning their adequacy.
As the employee recounts their reasons for leaving, the call transforms into a stage where gratitude takes center stage.
“I so appreciate everything you’ve done for me. It’s not you. I want something different,” they say.
It’s not about you.
As a leader, you are caught between the chords of appreciation and the realization that growth for your people often involves painful goodbyes.
The challenge lies in balancing the personal pride in their accomplishments with the professional acknowledgment that change is an intrinsic part of the journey.
3. — Letting Go and Moving On. In the wake of the resignation, a third emotion takes center stage — gritting yourself to orchestrate the transition. You and the remaining members of your team must carry on.
How do I take care of the team that remains?
The departure leaves a void, a sudden absence affecting each team member in the workspace differently. The gears of your mind turn rapidly, calculating how to maintain equilibrium and momentum without shattering the team dynamics. You ask for input and implement ideas, which allow team members to feel heard and seen.
As the leader, you become a conductor of change, seeking ways to rearrange responsibilities without overwhelming the remaining members.
The challenge lies in preserving productivity and fostering an environment where collective resilience prevails. The departure, though lamentable, becomes an opportunity for growth, a chance to strengthen the team’s bonds and work more closely together.
You can openly honor the departing employee’s contributions, provide space for employees to share best wishes, open dialogue for people to ask questions and get answers, and pulse the team for interest in the now open spot.
Finally, starting stay-interviews with top-performing employees is an excellent way to show you care and identify when they need more support.
A stay interview is an in-person meeting with a long-term, high-performing employee in which you attempt to uncover the parts of their role and your company that keep them coming back every day—source: Kate Heinz and Rose Velasquez, Built-In.
An Open-End
As a leader, you are left at the intersection of reflection, self-discovery, and transition. The departure of a stellar employee becomes a pivotal moment, a crossroads where leadership is tested and redefined.
As we navigate these uncharted territories, it becomes imperative to share experiences. Comment, or write and tag me when you answer either of these prompts:
- Have you ever left a place you wished you didn’t have to?
- Have you, like me, witnessed the departure of someone you desperately wished would stay?
- Have you left a good boss? Or, Have you left a bad boss?
Let this be an open-ended invitation to share, connect, and learn from our shared and ever-evolving leadership journey.
In conclusion, the unexpected resignation of a great employee is a riot of emotions for a leader. The surprise, the appreciation, and the canvas of opportunity together create a nuanced portrait of resilience. As a good manager, navigating these feelings requires a delicate dance that acknowledges the past, cherishes the present, and welcomes the future with open arms.
© 2023 K. Joseph, All Rights Reserved
꧁༒☬T͎h͎a͎n͎k͎ ͎y͎o͎u͎ ͎f͎o͎r͎ ͎r͎e͎a͎d͎i͎n͎g͎!͎☬༒꧂
This article includes affiliate links to Amazon products. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you.
Postscript: About People Leaving Managers — Not Quite True
In researching topics on employee departures, I found a fresh body of work that suggests, “People don’t quit a boss — they quit a job.”
People leave jobs, and it’s up to managers to design jobs too good to leave. Great bosses set up shields — they protect their employees from toxicity. They also open doors to meaningful tasks and learning opportunities — they enable their people to be energized by their projects, to perform at their best, and to move forward professionally without taking steps backward at home. When you have a manager who cares about your happiness, success, career, and life, you end up with a better job, and it’s hard to imagine working anywhere else—Source: Harvard Business Review.