When Your Better Half Is Actually Better Than You
My husband’s perfection annoys me.
I met my husband when I was coming out of a long term dysfunctional relationship that left me drained and untrusting.
I didn’t think much of our first interaction, but when he promised he would visit me 300 miles away, and then two weeks later he did, I was open to getting to know him more and give him a chance. Who was this man willing to go on a 10-hour train ride just to see a woman he met at a New Year’s Eve party?
It turns out he was like no other person I had ever met. He was laid back and fun, generous, and flexible with his plans and life in general. I scanned for the issues and red flags that I had seen in my past relationships: jealousy, dishonesty, laziness, being closed off or afraid of commitment. But there weren’t any, he seemed too good to be true.
Five years later, we’re happily married, rose-tinted glasses have come off for a while, and my husband is still too good to be true. Now, before you track him down and steal him from me, ladies, I can assure you he has his flaws, but none of them is a deal-breaker for me.
In fact, flaws and all, I still think he’s a better person than me, and it’s getting annoying. Here are four reasons why:
1. He supported me through transitions and unemployment.
When we first began dating, it was a long-distance relationship. We were going back and forth almost every weekend, so moving in together as soon as it felt right seemed like the next logical step.
I decided to move to Bucharest into his apartment, and I found myself in a new city, with no job, and not quite sure what to do with my life. Long story short, for a whole year my then-boyfriend supported me, both financially and in spirit, to figure out my new career path, and agreed to move away from Bucharest to another part of the country better suited for our lifestyle.
Why it’s annoying: We women of the 21st century, don’t like to depend on men financially unless we have a good reason to — like being a stay-at-home mom, or having a disability. It was both relieving and uncomfortable to accept my partner’s help. I guess I would have done the same, and I have actually done this myself for a partner before, but being on the receiving end of help is more difficult than I thought. His generosity triggered all kinds of insecurities around money and self-worth.
2. My parents and extended family are crazy about him.
My parents never fully approved of any of my boyfriends before, so when I introduced my new-found match and they absolutely adored him, it was a nice feeling for a change.
My husband is very likable. He’s the kind of man you not only feel comfortable to be around but also makes you feel better about yourself. He’s in a light happy mood most of the time and cracks jokes in his irresistible Moldavian accent. Whenever we visit my family, they shower him with well-deserved love and attention.
Why it’s annoying: While I enjoy my family’s approval, I sometimes get stupid jealous of my husband being more popular than me. Unresolved issues from my childhood — like craving validation and affection — all resurface. I guess I’m annoyed that I finally have to work on myself on a deeper level.
3. He never picks fights, nor does he entertain them.
My husband hates fighting. There is nothing that will hurt him more than verbal confrontation. Instead, he invites me to dialogue and reasoning in a calm and dignified manner.
Whenever I make snarky remarks, he calls me out on my behavior in a way that makes it impossible to get mad at him.
Sometimes he’s in a low mood because of work or other issues, but he never takes it out on me.
Why it’s annoying: I’m a raging volcano with a short temper, and once a month, a hormonal mess. I pick fights for ridiculous reasons more often than I like to admit. I get irrational and act crazy, and that makes me the bad guy. I hate feeling like the bad guy, and guilt triggers me to pick more fights. It’s a vicious circle, really. I’m working on it, but I have a long way to go.
4. He makes me coffee and cooks me dinner.
One of the reasons I married my husband was his fabulous coffee-making skills. He orders the best artisan coffee and grinds the beans manually. He may have ruined coffee shops for me since nothing can equate to the warm elixir I drink every morning.
He also cooks dinner, helps out with chores, washes the dishes, and tends to the garden. In the wintertime, I wake up to the crackling sound of fire burning in the fireplace, which he is kind enough to start every morning.
He does all these things without complaining or pointing fingers, and is happy to pick up all the slack when I’m not feeling well or just having a bad day.
Why it’s annoying: I may have forgotten how to take care of myself since I get everything on a silver platter. I dread the day I will have to make my own coffee and cook my own dinners. Meals in our home are delicious and exciting, and I’m quite a good cook myself. But when left to my own devices, I revert to being a slob and eating plain spaghetti or beans out of a can.
Gender roles are alive and well in this society. I feel obliged to act as a homemaker and take care of the house, clean and cook more, and I always fail to keep up. Truthfully, I just don’t enjoy this domestic work, and while I’m grateful for my husband sharing these responsibilities, there is always a little bit of guilt attached to not doing enough.
My husband is literally killing me with kindness on most days. Life with such an affectionate, easy-going person is fun and thriving. But we can only run from our own demons for so long. Sometimes they catch up with us and wreak havoc on our relationships.
I’m sure he’ll read this and disagree with all of the above, but the truth is this isn’t about him. This is about how a supporting loving partner is instrumental in healing our own wounds and insecurities.
My partner may be the better person, but I’m getting used to the idea that I, too, am pretty awesome. On the path to self-improvement, I accept being shamelessly spoiled.