When You Visit Yourself

Summary

The text is a poetic exploration of self-confrontation where the narrator encounters a spectral version of their past self, leading to a reflection on life choices, regret, and identity.

Abstract

The narrative titled "When You Visit Yourself" delves into the existential experience of the narrator who, while alone one night, is visited by a spectral presence that speaks with their own voice. This presence represents a past version of the narrator—confident, brilliant, and full of potential—contrasting sharply with the narrator's current life, which is described as chaotic and rudderless. The ghostly visitor confronts the narrator about the abandonment of their former self, citing specific life choices that diverged from the path they once envisioned, including an affair, studying business administration, and joining the military. These decisions are presented as acts of betrayal to the narrator's true desires and potential. The encounter culminates in a profound expression of sorrow and self-hatred, as the narrator grapples with the consequences of their past actions and the realization of a life not lived to its fullest potential.

Opinions

The narrator believes that straying from one's true path can lead to a life filled with chaos, sadness, and self-hatred.
There is a suggestion that escaping death can disrupt the natural order, leading to a life marked by misfortune.
The narrator feels a deep sense of regret and guilt for the life they could have led, had they not abandoned their former confident self.
The spectral presence blames the narrator for not being true to themselves, which it claims is the source of their misery.
The text implies that the narrator's current state of unhappiness is a direct result of their past decisions and the betrayal of their own aspirations.
The encounter with the past self is emotionally charged, highlighting the intensity of the narrator's internal conflict and self-judgment.

Being a poetic rendering of self-confrontation

Many believe that if, for some reason, you escape death when you should have died, you’re disrupting the natural order so that only chaos and sadness will follow you for the rest of your life. In July of 1966, I fell from a cliff in Kentucky and should have died of my injuries but for the stringent prayers of my mother. I will never know who heard her. You do the math…

I was alone in the house that night. I rarely am. I was reading a book about history. No music playing. I wanted no sound. For once in my life my goddam chaotic and rudderless life I was for a moment content.

Some people say that a sudden chill tingle, the kind that crawls up your back and seems to exit the top of your head causing your body to jolt in a spasm it comes out of nowhere, and then just as quickly to nowhere it returns…

…that’s when a spirit passed through you.

I feel those now and then. This time was different. This time the chilly remained, no exit. This time I felt cold surround me just as I looked up and, as I thought, nothing or no one was there.

Behind me, nothing. My left, nothing. My right, nothing. Yet all around me, orbiting, circling, A new kind of presence made itself known and I knew not what, ’til it spoke.

Its voice was my own. “Do You remember me?” it asked with a sadness that all melancholy and blue can never convey. “I’m not sure,” I said. “You speak with my voice yet I have no clue who you are.”

Without a breath, it answered, “I’m not surprised. “You’ve tried so hard, fought so much, to make sure I stayed forgotten, to save You the tears and the shame and the guilt and having to tell the story of how and why You…” It paused, softly wept. “…left Me behind.

“I am You. You, however, aren’t Me. Once upon a long past time, You were Me. Confident, brilliant, healthy, good-looking, the world at Your feet with all those awards, all of those kudos, and plenty of friends and lovers, and all was in place. You had but to choose — a college, a major, career, a life.

“You didn’t choose well. What scared You? Your mother? The future? That god who never heard a word that You said? What kept You from saying ‘I will do this, then I will do that, and then I will live there’?

“Then You moved away. I could not follow because You had raised the white flag on all that You knew and instead took the side of Your ego. To see what You have become has shattered what’s left of the heart of a ghost not yet dead.

“You did the three things You told anyone who would listen that You would never do: An affair with a married woman (1979–1981) Study business administration (1985–1987) Join the military (1991–1996) You were never good at being true to Yourself thus came the misery.

You spurned so much love, Broke innocent hearts, had Yours pounded to dust, For what? The sex? The naked embrace of one soul after another? Look at You now: paying the Karmic debt while knowing how You could have done it so differently.

I know that the pain, the unceasing pain and the hatred You have for Yourself is the hole that remained when You callously left Me behind.”

Its final words were as deep, unbearable howls of sorrow which lasted for what seemed like hours or days yet although the sound of it faded the sobbing continued until I knew the tearful stentorian gasping of anguish was coming from me.

iPoetry-Paper Poetry Prompt

When You Visit Yourself

Being a poetic rendering of self-confrontation