When You Put He/Him In Your Bio

You get trolled on Twitter by a billionaire who has nothing better to do

There is a reality where visionary billionaire Elon Musk is satisfied with his money, and fame, and place in history as a commercial spaceflight and electric car pioneer. In that reality, he is content, or as content as a driven captain of industry can be.

But welcome to our little slice of the multiverse, a place where our version of Elon Musk spends his valuable time tweeting memes that mock people who aren’t billionaires or celebrities or particularly powerful, really. Yesterday the dude who could potentially get humanity to Mars tweeted out a meme to his 40.8 million followers mocking people who put their pronouns in their social media bio.

The meme features a crude drawing of a British redcoat wearing a hat that says “I love to oppress” against a painting of the American Revolution. The soldier is wiping blood on his face. The caption above the image reads, “When you put he/him in ur bio.”

I know I shouldn’t get worked up over a meme, they’re basically corny bumper stickers. And this one is… muddled. Sloppy. I should be writing about how a joke shouldn’t be confusing. But the underlying message is clear: it is okay to hate people who just want a little public respect. Elon is telling his faithful that being asked to be nice is oppression. That a person who tells you who they are should be despised. This is horseshit, but these are the times we live in. Heterosexual, cisgender men, a ruling caste who clearly dominate politics and business and culture, are and some kid standing up for who they are is the enemy.

I have trans and non-binary friends. I like them. They want me to refer to them by their pronouns**. She or he or they. I’m not a hero because I use their pronouns. It’s literally the very least I can do. A sweatless effort. Easy peasy. I accept my friends so of course, I say things that make them feel secure and happy. If I can make a rando feel that way, then wouldn’t I?

I’ve been a gratuitous asshole before but it’s not my preferred state of being, you know? Men should be kind. It’s difficult but worth it. Look, I have misgendered someone before. I apologized and did my best not to make that mistake again. It was not a big deal. None of this is a big deal. Unless you insist that it’s a big deal. There is no greater sign of a comfortable life than a person obsessed with someone else’s gender.

It never occurred to me until right now that I don’t put my pronouns in my bio. But I guess I have to do it now because it pisses off so many dudes who will break if they have to be polite to another person. Like, they’ll shatter if they even read what someone would like you to call them. Unbelievable. Sometimes I think of masculinity as a floating bedsheet worn by a ghost. Pull the cover off quickly and there’s nothing underneath, except screams.

So, scream. But do it into a pillow, not on social media. Also, gender is a bedsheet.

I don’t want to censor Elon Musk. I think SpaceX is an incredible company. Same with Tesla. I don’t think the dude should be canceled, but for fuck’s sake get a hobby that doesn’t hurt other people. Like, drive to one of your hangars and stare at a rocket; they’re amazing. Can someone introduce Elon to baking? It boggles my mind that a person who is changing society for the better doesn’t have better things to do than bully people from the safety of one of his mansions.

It depresses me that the man who could potentially get humanity to Mars is a toxic nerd who needs the cheap dopamine rush of trolling people who just don’t deserve it online. But, like, I absolutely think Musk should be allowed to speak his mind, even if he has the mind of a spoiled brat.

Musk reminds me of Orson Welles’s brilliant co-creation with Herman J. Mankiewicz, Charles Foster Kane, the main character in Welles’s spectacular feature film debut about the emptiness of capitalism, Citizen Kane. In that movie, our anti-hero is a modern-day emperor who has everything, except love. Maybe if Kane had a Twitter account, he could have found it.

Right now, Elon Musk is finding love online. He is in a co-dependent relationship with a legion of extremely online men who are not rich and famous. He is loved by a legion of mostly men who are not rich and famous who harass strangers on his behalf. I have been warned that any criticism of Musk will invite passionate defenders. Welcome, I guess? Your dude is going to be fine no matter what I write.

His anti-pronoun tweet was a familiar dance with his fans where the attention is like a glass of warm milk before bed. But in order to get that attention he has tweet something casually cruel. It’s a vicious cycle. I wish I lived in a reality where Elon Musk was happy with his accomplishments because, friends, tweeting out a shitty meme meant to make other human beings feel bad is not an accomplishment.

**I had used the term “preferred pronouns” and someone in the comments politely pointed out that is incorrect because pronouns aren’t about preference — you are who you are, it’s not really a choice. Anyway, I got that wrong and corrected it and that’s okay because now I know better now. Isn’t that nice? And I can already tell I’m going to get comments like “my pronouns are helicopter” or something like that, written by funny people who know, deep down, they’re on the dipshit side of history but can’t manage their fear. Okay, so now I’m going to write directly to my dudes. Look, I’m a cis straight man too and I don’t understand what it’s like to be anyone other than a cis straight man and guess what, I like being who I am. Wanting to be seen for who you are shouldn’t inspire rage, it’s weird. My dudes, stop.