When You Need To Use Hostage Negotiation Techniques To Communicate With Your Boss

You have a serious problem

I have a confession. I have been quietly dealing with a boss that devalues, demeans, and undermines his employees. He does not remember positive contributions, only errors, even though 99.9% of the time, everything is positive.

He yells and screams just because and for no apparent reason. Blame and entitlement are words created for him.

I carefully maneuver every phone call with him to avoid causing an angry outburst. Yes, you heard that correctly — I perceive that I can “cause his angry outbursts.” I know that is not true. What is true is that I can trigger them — and then I have to deal with them. So, I tread on eggshells lest I awaken the kraken.

And, yes — this is a serious problem that can’t continue permanently. How I personally have lasted over five years is beyond me. In the meantime, for sanity’s sake and until I can find a replacement (like a fantastic content writer job or jobs — anyone need help?), I am implementing measures to eradicate the toxicity.

And here’s the most insidious part of it. Most of the time, my boss is nice. He’s charming and engaging. I’ve learned so much from him. He has fascinating stories, and we love to talk about politics. But, like a feral cat, he can turn on a dime, and when he does — it’s freaking scary.

So I use specific language in conversations, much as a hostage negotiator does to survive my daily interactions. Many of these tips come from former FBI agent Chris Voss and ATF body language expert Janine Driver.

Here are techniques that I have adopted:

Demonstrate an understanding of what he wants.

According to Chris Voss, people need to feel that you “get” them. So, his mantra is “seek first to demonstrate understanding in order to be understood.” A little empathy goes a long way.

Try to read what’s going on.

Again, Voss says, “People give you massive amounts of information before you even approach them. Demonstrate an understanding of your counterpart’s challenges; include what’s bad about your side, recognize their feelings, situation.” When I try to put myself in my boss’s shoes and use it in dialogue, it diffuses a tense situation.

For example, “I heard that the production line is down on that item. That must be frustrating. I’m sorry that’s happening on that project. Here is the information you requested from me. From what I can see on our timeline, everything is looking good. One project is two days late, which we will try to improve. Is there anything else I can help you with?” I make it “about him” first and foremost, so he feels I’m relating to him. Then I go into the discussion. It’s a much softer approach.

Prime the boss’s brain for positive talk.

When he calls — I make it a point to be cheerful right away (even if I’m far from it). I want to project a positive energy vibration, which will influence his short-term thoughts in speaking with me. I’m assigning him the traits I want him to have.

When I ask questions — I stay away from “why.”

Such as “Why did you do that?” — which sounds accusatory. Driver says, instead, begin with “what” and “how.” For example, “What should I do with this new request?” “How do you want me to handle that?” There’s a considerable difference in tone when you phrase questions using less challenging words, which can significantly affect a conversation’s outcome.

This is especially important when dealing with someone easily angered who will tolerate only minimal word count in a conversation.

Getting him to say “that’s right” is enormous.

These two words mean that I have gained his agreement on something. And don’t confuse “that’s right” with “you’re right.” (You’re right is an excellent way of blowing someone off. I know because I get that one a lot!) The way to get a “that’s right” is to calmly describe your understanding of the situation back to your counterpart. You do this even if you do not agree or believe it to be accurate — even if it’s a negative narrative about you.

According to Voss,

“every time you can get someone to say ‘that’s right,’ a small or large bond has been built between the two of you. They’re confirming to you that they feel empathy from you.”

For example, let’s say my boss is giving me a performance review. I can’t entirely agree with a comment regarding how I handled a project. I summarize my understanding of his point of view and say, “During the study on marketing niches, you and I disagreed about two of the groups, the up and comers and the boomers. You felt I was not weighing enough of the strategy towards millennials.” He said, “that’s right.”

From there, I was able to re-frame what I was trying to accomplish strategically in the project, not what he perceived. Had my delivery been different and not used a technique to set myself up for success, I might have experienced a different outcome — a less-than-positive one.

The next best thing to a “that’s right” is to be corrected.

That’s right — let the other person correct you; it’s to your benefit. Voss says that in negotiations, once you’ve described your understanding of the situation to your counterpart — if they correct you — that’s good too. When someone is correcting you, it means that you have a dialogue. The former FBI agent goes on to say how it’s fundamental human nature to want to correct another person.

So, when my boss is correcting me, he’s getting a power trip out of it. I just let him enjoy it, knowing what I know. It improves the emotional bond — I’m thinking of myself as a hostage who needs to survive. Then, once I repeat his corrections back to him — guess what? I get a “that’s right!”

If I want to ask for something — Chris Voss gives a great tip.

Frame the question in the opposite. The person you are requesting is more likely to say no. For example, “Is it a crazy idea to close the office the day before Thanksgiving?”

When faced with an unreasonable demand.

This one is also from Voss. Ask, “how am I supposed to do that?” And then be silent and wait for a response. Let them try and figure it out. They won’t.

So, dear reader — I hope that this list helps you in whatever situation you find yourself. You don’t need to be the target of a bully boss or in a hostage negotiation situation to use these techniques. They work for all kinds of negotiations — whether with a family member, a colleague, or a client.

Jennifer Friebely is a New York-based content writer covering stories from personal development, marketing, and productivity to politics and music to whatever idea strikes. She has a 30+ year background in marketing and advertising and holds a BA in Political Science. Email her at [email protected].