When You Can Orgasm Alone but Not With a Partner

How your masturbation style affects your ability to orgasm with a man

From the time Michelle was very young, she enjoyed masturbation. Though she didn’t know that’s what it was called, or that’s what she was doing.

One of her favorite activities as a little girl was pressing her pelvic area against one of the posts of her canopy bed.

She would wrap her small legs around the bedpost and rub vigorously, tensing and straining every muscle in her body, especially those of her butt and thighs.

And then something amazing would happen: she would get this indescribably sweet sensation in her “private parts” (as she was told to call them) that only lasted a moment but was positively addictive.

She had discovered this fun game by accident while pretending to ride her bedpost like it was a pony. She did this every night before bed. Later, she learned to prop a thick book upright on her bed and ride like it was a pony too. This also felt great.

Michelle is now 35 and has never had an orgasm with a lover.

She never orgasms during intercourse, though she has come close when she is on top. She doesn’t get much out of oral sex. Her clitoris is extremely sensitive, and she can’t stand any direct touch.

Which makes manual and even oral sex painful. Most men are too rough, but frankly, she isn’t sure what to tell them since nothing works. She has a hard time getting turned on during sex and sometimes finds intercourse painful as well.

This issue is driving her up the wall.

She feels broken and ashamed. And often wonders what the hell is wrong with her. She finds talking about this issue with her lovers extremely embarrassing. The few men that she told about her “problem” made it their mission to make her come, which stressed her out and didn’t work.

Meanwhile, Jessica is also unable to orgasm with a partner for different reasons. She never masturbated as a child. And when she tried doing it a teenager, she noticed that her clitoris wasn’t very sensitive, which flew in the face of everything she had read about female sexuality.

She was finally able to orgasm with a Womanizer vibrator. And this remains the only way she has ever been able to come.

She doesn’t bring her toy into the bedroom. The few times she tried her ex-boyfriend shamed her into putting it away. He was willing to provide oral sex. However, like Michelle, this doesn’t get her off.

In her case, it doesn’t work because her clit isn’t very sensitive. Her boyfriend insisted that she had “dead vagina syndrome” due to her vibrator use and that she had become “dependent on a machine”.

Naturally, this didn’t help her self-esteem any. She often feels defective and has come to dread having sex with a new partner since their break-up.

Female Orgasmic Disorder

Female orgasmic disorder is the clinical term used in the DSM-5 (the bible of the mental health field) to describe problems with ahem… making it to the finish line in time to watch Game of Thrones.

It comes in two flavors for your displeasure: Generalized orgasmic dysfunction (never having had an orgasm either alone or with a partner) and situational orgasmic dysfunction (you can orgasm in one situation but not another; e.g., during masturbation but not with your new love).

(Some sex educators prefer the term preorgasmia because the majority of women can learn to orgasm.)

I spent a lot of time researching this condition for my grad dissertation on female sexual dysfunction. And I talked in-depth with several women about their sexual experiences around this time, including Jessica and Michelle.

If I were to whip out my DSM, both women could possibly be diagnosed with situational preorgasmia. They both orgasm just fine alone but struggle during sex with a partner.

However, I don’t believe that labeling people does much good.

Nor, do I believe either woman has a dysfunction. They merely don’t fit into our society’s rigid notion of how, when, and where the female orgasm is supposed to take place.

And they aren’t alone.

The Orgasm Gap

Over the last few years, the mass media has been riveted by research indicating that millions of women are watching Game of Thrones with blue clits (yes, this is a thing) after an intimate evening with a lover.

In one large national sample of 52,000 Americans, straight men reported orgasming about 95% of the time they had sex in comparison to 65% of women.

Despite popular stereotypes, female bodies aren’t bad at coming.

Most women orgasm when they masturbate and when they have sex with other women.

However, they often struggle to climax during hetsex. The orgasm gap is often attributed to the fact that too many men fail to provide adequate clitoral stimulation during sex.

The more casual the encounter the more unlikely her clit is too see any attention, and the more likely it is that her orgasm won’t occur.

I believe that this is only part of the problem. As we have seen with Michelle and Jessica, the mechanics of female masturbation often bear little resemblance to heterosexual sex (or male masturbation) and don’t always carry over so well into garden variety hetsex.

So, even with good communication and a partner willing to set up camp down south, some women struggle with orgasm during hetsex due to:

1. Masturbation style and history.
2. How we as a culture define and structure hetsex.
3. Gender norms regarding sexual behavior.

To understand this issue better, let’s take a look at the science of female masturbation.

How Women Jill Off

A lack of masturbation history is associated with a higher rate of preorgasmia because masturbation is ground zero for the female orgasm.

It teaches you what your body needs to come. Masturbation skills training is used by sex therapists worldwide to help their preorgasmic clients. And it is highly effective. Almost every woman can learn to orgasm with practice.

But what works is a very individual thing.

When it comes to wanking, we women are astoundingly creative!

Some women use their hands, some use their vibrators, some women use the pointy edges of their Kenmore’s on spin cycle…

Women have put electric toothbrushes, snake bite kits, electric razors, pore suckers, pillows, door edges, teddy bears, bathtubs, shower massagers, cucumbers, zucchinis, candles, water pics, hairbrush handles — the list is endless — all to erotic use.

And this doesn’t even cover the arsenal of self-pleasuring devices available commercially.

If it can stimulate a clitoris (or go in a vagina), some horny woman, somewhere, has used it!

And then are the female masturbators who fly under the radar. That is, women who jill in public. One very discreet variety of female self-pleasuring involves crossing the legs and rhythmically squeezing the thigh muscles together. In “The Hite Report”, one woman talked about going incognito while masturbating:

“In my teens, I branched out into public masturbation in boring classes and during the sermon when I was a member of the choir. All I did was cross my legs and squeeze the thigh muscles together repeatedly for two or three minutes. But even with the utmost control it was impossible to avoid a slight convulsion at the moment of orgasm, which I would disguise by a coughing fit, or having to lean over and scratch my leg.”

I couldn’t help but think of all those concerned parents telling their daughters to keep their legs closed when I read this…

Masturbation Styles

However, despite all the colorful varieties of vulva fun, female masturbation can be broken down and categorized into two overlapping types:

1. Indirect vs direct clitoral stimulation

2. Passive vs active pelvic style.

Direct vs Indirect Clit Stimulation

Direct: Women who use this method directly target the clitoral area. (Note: many women don’t manipulate the clitoral glans directly because it’s too sensitive). Usually, they use their hand or a vibe.

Indirect: Women who use the indirect variety, stimulate the genital area without targeting any particular spot.

These women rock their pelvises back and forth, hump pillows, and, in the case of the public masturbator, they squeeze their legs together.

Since the clitoris extends into the body and wraps around the vaginal barrel, intercourse provides indirect clitoral stimulation for most women.

Pelvic Style

Pelvic style refers to whether or not pelvic movement is the primary method of masturbation.

Pelvic passive: A woman masturbates by remaining still (often on her back) and uses her hand, vibrator, or water massager on her clitoris.

Pelvic active: A woman doesn’t touch her clit directly but gets stimulation by thrusting her pelvis against something like a pillow, bed covers, or bedpost. (This style is a form of indirect clitoral stimulation and overlaps with the first category).

Michelle is a quintessential pelvic active masturbator given her predilection for post and book humping, while Jessica is a pelvic passive masturbator who likes intense direct clitoral stimulation.

Masturbation style can play a profound role in how a woman orgasm’s with a male partner.

For instance, women who orgasm (hands-free) during intercourse are capable of coming from very indirect clitoral stimulation. For these women, “grinding the corn” may be enough to get off.

In a study on female masturbation habits published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the researchers theorized that women favor one style over another due to genital sensitivity levels, which vary in women and are connected to biological factors like nerve distribution.

Women who can respond to indirect stimulation may simply be more sensitive or have a wider area of genital sensitivity.

And they also, according to the above study, have a greater preference for vaginal stimulation. This has obvious implications for hetsex.

These researchers also maintained that women don’t switch masturbation styles. A direct clitoral masturbator like Jessica isn’t going to suddenly start popping her cork during intercourse — at least, not without a buzzing companion.

Pelvic active masturbators like Michelle also run into roadblocks when they try to orgasm during hetsex for different reasons.

Sleeping Beauty Comes

Pelvic active masturbation requires moving your pelvis against something using varying degrees of pressure. A woman with this style is in the driver’s seat and orgasms like a typical man during intercourse — by her own actions.

But they don’t orgasm as easily from partner stimulation as women with other masturbation styles. And run squarely into the social norm that a woman must make like Sleeping Beauty and be “given” an orgasm from a partner.

A Dutch study examining pelvic activity, masturbation, and orgasm with a partner found that out of 972 women, 38% didn’t orgasm with a partner and 66% didn’t come from PIV, even though were orgasmic alone.

The reason was that most of the straight women with a pelvic active style didn’t engage in sex acts that they found “exciting” due to feeling that the behaviors violated traditional gender roles.

This wasn’t true of the lesbians in the study who used what worked and got off just fine with the ladies.

There’s a lesson here for all of us.

Use. What. Works.

Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow (How to Come with Your Partner)

The easiest road to orgasm for most women is to utilize how you masturbate during sex. Even if you think it’s weird.

Sometimes the only thing you need to change is how you think about sex.

Women beat themselves up for not being able to pull the orgasm du jour out of their hats. “Why can’t I come during vaginal?” “Why can’t I squirt?” “What’s wrong with me for taking so long, for needing my hand, vibe, teddy bear?” “What wrong with me…”

This is a woman’s version of performance anxiety. And if any of these thoughts enter your head during sex, you can kiss your orgasm goodbye.

Self-acceptance goes a long way here. And I believe that most masturbatory styles can be utilized with a partner with some creativity.

You just have to throw out the sexual script.

What is the sexual script you might ask: The unspoken rules and norms that structure how we have sex.

Contrary to popular opinion, hetsex is anything but natural. It’s as well- choreographed as Swan Lake. And given the intermingling of gender, power, and sexual repression, it’s frequently a hot mess.

Our culturally determined scripts tell us how to have sex. It tells us who the players are, where, and how we’re supposed to do it. Everybody knows the rules even if they don’t follow them.

It usually gives the male the unfair responsibility of carrying the show, while the female gets the unfair responsibility of carrying his ego.

He does. She gets done.

One of the most destructive aspects of hetsex is the idea that a woman’s orgasm MUST be partner induced. This, coupled with the limited range of sexual activities (compared with female masturbation), raises the bar for orgasm and means that women like Michelle will be left out in the cold.

Not that they say anything, though.

Most of us conduct our sex lives in silence. We do what is expected. For instance, the last time you were with a woman or a person with breasts for the first time, did you suck their boobs? Did you french kiss your partner?

Do you know for a fact that this was a turn-on? Odds on, the answer is no.

Maybe you should find out.

Michelle, Jessica, and countless other women struggle with their sexuality because they keep trying to fit their too big foot into Cinderella’s glass slipper. They hate on their big foot and want a downsized version.

I say throw out the damn glass slipper and buy a bigger shoe.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t expand how you experience pleasure. I am aware that sex-your-way can be easier said than done. This is particularly true if you have a masturbation style that is…well, kind of embarrassing.

For instance, some women rub their pelvises hard against a sharp-angled object like a door edge.

So, if you don’t want to fuck a door, while your partner fucks you, you’re SOL as far as orgasms go.

Obviously, this habit limits your options in regards to partner sex. But there are some things you can try to expand your repertoire.

Expand Your Masturbation Style

Keeping your basic “style” (pelvic movement and stimulation intensity) and adapting it with a partner is probably better than throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

In other words, if you are a woman who needs direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm, I highly doubt that this need is going to change. So, either you or your partner could stimulate your clitoris during intercourse by hand or toy.

Pelvic active masturbators could benefit from using the CAT position, particularly when on top. Don’t be afraid to rub on the leg or ass of your lover either.

The Bridge Technique

But say you want to make some real changes.

Your 35 and tired of humping your teddy bear (besides his ears are falling off at this point), and you’re too embarrassed to do this in front of your new boo. (Frankly, I say screw embarrassment…).

Or you don’t want to fuck your door anymore.

To expand your orgasm repertoire, you’re going to need to bridge over from the old technique to the new.

For example, if you masturbate against sharp angles like a door edge, learning to thrust your pelvis into a softer object (like a pillow) might be easier to incorporate into sex. You could thrust into a pillow while on your stomach with your partner entering from behind. Or you could thrust into your partner.

Try to incorporate the kinds of stimulation that occur during partner sex, like adding vaginal penetration or your hand into your masturbation.

This isn’t going to work at first.

Anytime you try to use a new technique or position to orgasm, you need to practice during masturbation. And you probably won’t orgasm in the beginning. In fact, it’s going to feel weird and off.

There are a couple of things you can try here. For one, start off with your reliable masturbation technique; then, when in a state of high arousal, use the new technique or position.

Your arousal will likely diminish. Continue to switch back and forth until you can stay aroused (and eventually orgasm) with the new technique.

Since switching from the old to the new technique will decrease arousal, you will want to finish up with your old standby, so you don’t feel frustrated. Getting used to the new method will take time.

Bridging is not a quick fix.

In conclusion, masturbation gets a bad rap in terms of social respectability, which is unfortunate because it is our sexual mother tongue. When you masturbate, you do what works. Nobody wacks off to ineffective stimulation.

So, what have we learned here? Hopefully, how marvelously diverse we all are in regards to pleasure. That women masturbate in many different ways due to both learning and biology and that this impacts how we experience sex with a partner — especially a male.

The real problem for women like Michelle and Jessica isn’t their wank style, it’s their belief that they are somehow broken because of it.

As Emily Nagoski put it in “Come as You Are”:

“…it’s not how your sexuality functions but how you feel about how your sexuality functions that determines whether your sex life is characterized by worry and distress . . . or by confidence and joy.”

Your sex life is yours, and it doesn’t have to look like anybody else’s.

About the Author:

Kaye Smith Ph.D. is a social psychologist, life coach, sex educator, and fine art photographer. She is also a crazy cat lady who drinks too much tea. Check her out at https://kayesmithphd.com/

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