What to Do When Someone You Love is Spiraling Out of Control

Addiction, mental illness, and self sabotaging behavior

I had a birthday last week. I didn’t want to make a big thing about it but wanted to celebrate somewhat, so I got a hotel room in the City, tickets to a baseball game, and invited a couple girlfriends. The 4 of us had a few drinks and headed out to the game, and everything seemed fine.

Over the next few hours however, consistent bad vibes from one of the girls started to overshadow the whole experience. Complaints about the hotel room, the seats at the ball stadium, and even the most miniscule things became an issue for her. There were normal conversations here and there, so the rest of us tried to keep the peace and ignore the surges of negativity.

It continued to escalate and our calm or positive responses were disregarded and all in vain.

As the sun faded and night fell, the storm within our friend was bubbling up to a point of no return. We tried to give her space when we noticed her becoming irritated or unhappy about something, but even that was turned around and blamed on us. Her rude comments evolved into outbursts of mean and disrespectful words towards us, and she started having what appeared to be conversations with herself or someone who was not there.

The scariest part was, sometimes moments after these spasms happened, it seemed like the mental state that caused the tantrum would drift away like a cloud and be replaced by sunshine.

Suddenly she was her usual nice self again, for a short while. We didn’t know what was setting her off and we couldn’t figure out how she was snapping back so quickly. It was hard to watch and nearly impossible to understand.

By the end of the night, the woman we called our friend was screaming curse words at us, berating us, and calling us names while she slammed her belongings around the room and packed her things into her suitcase. The rest of us stayed laying in our beds under the hotel comforters, where we had been attempting to go to sleep. We would sporadically peer out at each other, wide-eyed and in disbelief and embarrassment for our friend, while trying to avoid the gaze of the dragon that was lashing out, in fear of feeding the eruption.

This went on for a very tense 20 minutes, while the three of us said not a single word.

Watching our friend melt down for a reason none of us can identify was heartbreaking, disturbing, and so indescribably sad. It was a breaking point for her mentally, as well as for our friendships and the group dynamic.

So what can you do?

We stayed up for over an hour after that explosion, discussing what exactly had transpired throughout the day from each of our viewpoints, and dissecting what we thought might have caused our friend to disintegrate the way she did. There were many factors we believed played a part in her constant and continuous decline.

Addiction, substance abuse, stress, lack of regular and quality sleep, and the absence of self-love stood out as some possible key contributors. The combination of these will inevitably lead to mental illness, which was the most terrifying part for us to realize.

This friend has been in our lives for many years, and is by no means a terrible person, which is why she was still around and invited on the trip. All of us had noticed a decline in her mental health and happiness more and more drastically over the previous few months. We were all notably concerned and had discussed it a few times, and brought up our concerns to her individually on several occasions. But we had no idea how bad it really was and how volatile she would become.

Perhaps you or someone you know is displaying these signs?

On the surface it looked like stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. On the inside we feared the causes were much more serious than typical work, life, and pandemic worries. Now we knew.

Determining the components and causes of someone’s unhappiness and unhealthiness is a critical first step. Many people may be receptive to their loved ones approaching them with a peaceful and loving tone, in a neutral environment, and expressing their concerns. An open and non-judgmental conversation is the best way to open this door, begin a dialog, and hopefully start the healing process.

Unfortunately there are some situations where the person may be completely unreceptive and/or too far gone for that to happen.

Many years ago, when watching another friend suffer terribly under a different set of circumstances, I asked a very wise man,

“What can you do when you know that you can help someone in your life that is struggling? If they would just be open and listen, could you help them improve their life, health, and happiness?”

I waited anxiously for this sage advice, hoping I was going to receive the answer that would help me make a difference in this friend’s life. But the answer I got was crushing:

“Nothing. There is nothing you can do. That person has to come to their own realization, hit their own rock bottom, and decide on their own terms that they are ready to make a change or pursue a better life. Only then will their heart be open enough to receive any help that another person offers them.”

This was heart wrenching to me and still is. But because I have experienced this myself and have seen it among many others throughout my lifetime since then, I know it is the truth.

I believe most people have struggled on some level with depression, a feeling of unworthiness, or that they are a lost cause. I can’t count how many times I have fallen off track in life, only to go down a dark path or in a direction I know deep down was not meant for me. Each time, it took me making a decision to plant my feet on the ground and pivot.

If I could reach anyone who is struggling, my friend or any other human being on this planet, I would recommend all of the tools and tricks I have in my arsenal to make a positive change. I’ve used these techniques in the past to return from a dark place, and continue to incorporate them in my life on a regular basis; they help me to stay grounded, centered, and in a positive state of mind.

Each person’s personal basics are different, but when looking at the majority of people who are happy and healthy, there are many common denominators.

Here is a breakdown:

The most important thing to remember is that it starts with a decision and ONE SINGLE STEP. Consistent small steps will change your life. Just one step. Every. Single. Day.

1. Be your own biggest fan. It’s the most powerful and simplest way to start. Positive self-talk, consistently. Affirmations are excellent for this.
2. Reach out and connect with other humans. Talk to strangers. Call someone you haven’t seen for a while. Find something you enjoy and go connect with people around that topic or activity. Get out of your own head.
3. Get moving. Break a sweat. Exercise or a physical activity you enjoy is powerful. Find something you can get lost in- kickboxing, running, yoga, kayaking. Ping pong. Literally anything.
4. Create time to create. Make something, write something, paint something, plant something, fix something, beautify something.
5. Let it out. Write it down, voice record it. See a therapist or psychologist, put it out there. The more thoughts are whirling around your head unexpressed, the more heavy and intense they become, stacking on top of each other and suffocating you.
6. Get out in nature. Try and spend an hour outside every day. Parks, gardens, anywhere green. Bodies of water are also very powerful to spend time around.
7. Give yourself a break. We are all so hard on ourselves. Be gentle, be kind, show love- starting with yourself first and most. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
8. Take time for you. Put down your to-do list and go get a message, lay on the beach, read a book in a park, take a nap. Whatever fills you up.
9. Meditate. 5 minutes a day can change your life. There are plenty of short, free, guided meditations all over the internet. You don’t need to sit on a pillow, light a candle, or put on a tassel-hat.
10. Make sleep a priority. 7 or more hours of solid undisturbed sleep will allow your body and brain to recharge and your cells to regenerate. No phones in bed, no television on. Make a bedtime routine- write down a few things you are grateful for, read something positive. Wind down, let your mind unwind.

Untangle your mind.

And remember to stay grounded in your core values and beliefs. What is your why? What is most important to you? What are the most valuable factors in your life? Keep these close; the further we get away from them, the further we get away from ourselves.

As for my friend, we know she made it home safely, and that was a big relief to all of us. We have reached out to a mutual friend whom we believe she has a deeper relationship with and will hopefully be able to get through to her or at least offer help. In the meantime, I am sending good vibes and lots of love and light to her, hoping that she knows she is loved and cared about and can come to me at any time for anything she needs.

Be well my friends, take a deep breath and know that everything is going to be alright. You are loved.

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