When Words Fail — How to Help Someone Who is Grieving
11 Things to do — and NOT do — to ensure that your relationship lasts when loss or adversity strikes.
Many of us have been there — the awkward moment when someone we care for is deep in despair. Maybe their eyes are red and wet, or their shoulders are rounded and shaking. Maybe their chest is heaving through shallow breaths or their head and neck are limp, as if all hope of resurgence is lost. Maybe the cloud of preternatural silence has settled in, leaving them empty and mute.
And there we are, between stimulus and response. We wonder what to say or what not to say. We worry about having nothing to say or saying the wrong thing. We might even convince ourselves that our friend or loved one needs some “time alone to cope,” when in reality it’s our own discomfort that we are trying to avoid.
Research shows that love and connectedness are essential for healing in the wake of challenge or loss. So, show you care by being there. While no one approach is perfect, here are some best practices that I’ve learned as both a therapist and clinical ethicist and as someone who has been, on occasion, also shrouded in despair.
What NOT to Say…
1. “Don’t worry. It will all work out.” While you may hope this is the case, you don’t actually know it will be. People in pain don’t need wishful thinking; they need support. What’s more, they cling to reliable information. If you can truly, empirically, offer this, great. If you can’t, that’s okay; find another way to be helpful. For instance, offer encouragement, rather than guarantees. Try saying, You can find a way through this. I’m here for you. And follow through with the offer. Remember, words and deeds go hand in hand. Also, be a resource. Help the person put together a plan of action, if the situation could benefit from it and the person is open to it. Show up to help with daily tasks and to-dos. Offer to be available if more emotionally difficult chores need to be done: such as cleaning out a departed loved one’s home, planning a memorial service, or accompanying a sick friend to an important doctor’s appointment. Play point person for sharing “approved” information about your loved one’s difficult situation with extended family and friends and invested others, so they won’t have to. Your presence and availability are so much more helpful than any false promise of certainty.
2. “Everything happens for a reason” or “We’re only given what we can handle.” While you may believe this, others may not. And even if someone did believe it previously, pain and suffering have a way of calling into questions our deeply held beliefs and principles. Best not to project your own onto others. This is especially true for people facing betrayal, loss, or injustice. Be present. Be a steward, by helping your friend or loved one accept the situation with “benevolent honesty,” a phrase I coined to describe a way to be gentle with ourselves as we absorb painful realities. Also, try helping them to find something meaningful about the situation that they can hold onto. Don’t try to play God.
Be a steward, by helping your friend or loved one accept the situation with “benevolent honesty”…a way to be gentle with ourselves as we absorb painful realities.
3. “Someone always has it worse. Just look at… (name your person or cause).” Maintaining perspective is an essential part of overcoming adversity, but it doesn’t always come easily. People in the midst of pain, especially in the immediate aftermath of a distressing event, typically don’t want to hear about another person or group’s pain — at least just then. And reminding them that there are others who are suffering, especially more than they are, just ends up trying their dwindling patience. What can be helpful is to allow those who are in pain to be sad, mad, outraged, or cry; in other words, to express their emotions freely. As research shows, you gotta feel to heal. In fact, a huge part of getting through adversity and building resilience is learning to “ride the waves of emotion,” allowing them to come and go as they will. This said, if at some point you see that a loved one is in the trough — meaning, remaining down more than they are up — then you might gently suggest that they talk to their general physician or a professional mental health counselor.
4. “I know what you’re going through.” Do you really? Have you actually been through the same set of circumstances, with all the same nuances that this person has? Or are you unwittingly projecting your own experiences onto theirs? It’s important when interacting with someone in pain to be present to their story, experience, and emotional challenges first. Allowing a person to be heard — if and when they are ready to be — is one of the best supports we can offer. Then, and only then, is it helpful to share snippets of your own experience, as a way to say to this person, “You’re not alone.” Another thing to remember is that while situations are rarely exactly the same, emotions are similar. We all feel fear, anger, sadness, guilt, joy, relief, satisfaction, and so on. When sharing your own story of adversity, try focusing on the shared emotional experience. This minimizes the risk of seeming to trump or minimize what your friend or loved one has been through.
5. “Don’t be negative. Just think happy thoughts.” While wallowing is not the most effective path for healing, let’s not forget that pain isn’t a positive experience. Trying to shield a person’s suffering behind forced feelings of happiness isn’t going to make the pain go away. It’s just going to lodge it somewhere else. “Just be positive” and other happy-based platitudes are often nothing more than a way to fill an awkward silence when we don’t know what to say. Instead of touting the “just be positive” line, how about just being honest. It really is okay — and often more helpful — to say to someone, “I wish I knew what to say to you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please, let me know how I can help.” And if you do want to focus on something positive, remind the person of their strengths and gifts, and encourage them to leverage those when the pain becomes especially heavy. Likewise, remind your friend or loved one of what they have done in the past when challenge or heartache has arisen and inspire them to do it again.
“Just be positive” and other happy-based platitudes are often nothing more than a way to fill an awkward silence when we don’t know what to say.
6. “If I were you, I’d…” or “What you should do is…” It’s natural to want to help a person who is suffering, but adversity is no time for a know-it-all. Change, challenge, and crisis are highly individualized experiences; as such, they affect each of us differently. How we deal with these situations depends on many factors, including our personality and coping style, biological makeup, life experiences, faith or belief system, and the nature of the situation. Just because you might deal with a situation one way, does not mean that it’s necessarily right for someone else. Be empathetic — put yourself in your friend or loved one’s shoes — but don’t let your shoes walk all over (or overshadow) theirs. Let that person ask you for your opinion before you impose it. And if at some point you feel strongly that you have some wise words to offer, consider saying, “Can I make a suggestion?” Or “Maybe you would find this helpful…” So often, it’s all in the presentation.
7. “I told you so.” Big no-no. Sometimes life throws us into challenging situations that we didn’t ask for. Other times we contribute to our own suffering, even if it’s unintentional. While it is hard to stand on the sidelines and watch as someone we care for does things that we conclude are concerning, saying — or even insinuating — “I told you so” after the fact is simply unhelpful. More to the point, it’s condescending. You gain no points for being right; put your ego aside. You do gain points for being present. Rather than reminding the person of your good judgment, try helping them to avoid making more decisions that might cause them further grief. Also, help to brainstorm positive action that could move that person forward in a healthy way.
What TO Do…
8. Be patient and take your cue from your friend or loved one. The healing process takes time. It can’t be forced, hurried, or demanded — as much as you (or they) may desire it to be. If your friend or loved one feels like talking, let them. If they need quiet time, give them this too, whether that is letting them be alone for a while or just sitting in silence when you’re together. Either way, let them lead. If they’re up for a laugh, great. If they need a cry, that’s okay too. What’s important to remember is that there is no “normal” timetable for healing in the wake of loss or adversity. Also, research shows that both positive and negative emotions are part of the mix; sometimes they even come at the same time — so, welcome and attend to all of them. There are, however, guidelines to ensure that the negative emotions don’t get worse. There are also strategies, tools, and practices that can make the healing process easier and more beneficial for a person’s life going forward.
9. Check in regularly — even if you don’t hear back right away. Most people who are in pain have limited bandwidth. This is because adversity takes a toll on us — in all ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If you reach out and your friend or loved one doesn’t respond, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are upset with or rejecting you. More likely it is that they haven’t had the energy to reply. So, don’t give up. Even when people are in the depths of pain, it’s good to know that others who care are at the ready if they are needed. And this doesn’t mean that you have to reach out incessantly. Just check in every few days or once a week, depending on how close you are to the person. Call, email, text, private message them on social media, but by all means do not post sensitive personal information publicly. Also, don’t demand that this person call you back by a certain time. Just let them know that you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you’ll be checking in on them from time to time.
10. Give a person leeway. And try not to take things personally. Hardship and adversity can push us to the limits of “us,” which is one reason why people on the emotional edge often say and do things that they might not otherwise. While it may pain you to hear a harsh remark or dismissal from a friend or loved one who is in pain, consider whether such a comment or action is coming from them at their core or if it’s just because they are currently upset. Remind yourself that even if the person did mean it, all relationships have dynamics and this issue, if it’s important, can always be addressed at an appropriate time in the future — after things have calmed down. This said, setting and respecting boundaries are an important part of any healing process. So, if your friend or loved one says something especially hurtful, gently, and at the appropriate time, let them know how this made you feel. Ask them if they really meant what they said. And remind them that you are not the enemy — that you are on their side.
11. Give yourself leeway too. Being present to someone who is in pain isn’t easy. You may not always get it right. You may unintentionally stick your foot in your mouth; it happens. You will also have your own set of emotions to deal with — some of which may be at times unpleasant ones, especially because it may feel like the relationship is out of balance, with you giving more than you are getting. Learning to stay within your “window of tolerance” can be helpful. Grounding and breathing exercises can work to this end. Also helpful is accepting that it’s okay if the relationship is a bit skewed for a while — because at any time it might be you in the painful situation, who will look to them for a response in kind. Leveraging other friends and community can likewise go a long way to ensuring that you are supported at the same time you are supporting an important other.
Whether it’s a health concern, loss of a loved one, financial problem, an existential crisis, or any other of life’s myriad challenges, being present to someone who is in pain can be difficult. But knowing how to do this will make the process easier. It will also ensure that your relationship with this person will not only sustain but also likely strengthen and grow.
