When Will Divorce Anger End?

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

My divorce became final in December 2021.

It’s currently March 2023.

Why am I still suffering the consequences?

Sigh.

They say you never truly know someone until you divorce them. “They” were wrong. My ex-husband Joseph showed exactly what I already knew: he’s an irresponsible man-child with limited emotional intelligence and horrific financial habits.

To show my financial street cred, here are the credit scores I pulled last week: 829, 830, and 817. For non-Americans, the highest score is 850 and the average person’s score is 698. I don’t fuck around when it comes to fiscal responsibility.

Unbeknownst to me, an inheritance is not community property. When my mother-in-law died and we put the money from her ghetto home (in a very expensive California city) on a down payment for our massive house, I had no idea that I wouldn’t get half of it if something happened.

If I had known that, I would have told him to keep that money out of my sight. I sure as hell would not have dedicated my own funds and time to remodeling it.

When splitting assets during our divorce, that was a solid $600k that didn’t get split. It allowed Joseph to keep the house.

The part that makes my blood boil is I learned he wasn’t contributing to his 401k. Do you know what does get split during a divorce? A 401k.

I didn’t get any of his inheritance but he got half of my retirement.

For real, my ex-husband was the worst.

When I told my ex-husband that I was leaving the marriage without enough to buy a cardboard box house while he was big pimpin’ in a 4000 square foot newly-remodeled house, Joseph graciously gave me $50k pulling from his meager 401k.

Back taxes must be paid, but there is no early withdrawal penalty because it’s a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO).

I wasn’t cut a check immediately. Fidelity created a new 401k for me and dumped the money in there. I had to formally request it. In the time it took for me all of that to happen, the amount in the 401k dropped by $5,000.

Joseph told me a sob story about how ill-prepared he was for the property taxes on his big, fancy house. My ex-husband was 49 when he paid property taxes for the first time.

Must be nice to have a spouse who handles everything.

I told him I’d give him half of the QDRO when I received the check. There was lingering Divorce Guilt. I’ll forever feel the guilt when it comes to my children but the first year of divorce was the year of How-I’m-So-Selfish-And-Ruined-Everyone’s-Lives.

In my research of QDROs, it wasn’t clear to me that the payout would be considered straight income at tax time the next year.

The next year meaning…2023. Right now.

The amount of “income” I allegedly received is off the pre-tax, pre-everything amount needed to make it $50k after all fees and back paycheck taxes. As far as the government is concerned, I made $63,000 extra.

According to Turbo Tax, that’ll cost me $13,000 in what I owe to federal and state taxes.

Somehow my ex-husband got more out of the QDRO meant to help me. That sums up my marriage in a nutshell: Joseph reaped the benefits while I suffered.

I want to smash my fist into a wall and scream.

Is it my fault? Sure. I didn’t have to give Joseph half of the QDRO.

I let my guilt take over. Like in our marriage, I became the caretaker and mother once again. The theme of my divorce was my selfishness; I was desperate to prove that I wasn’t a bad person.

Fast forward to today. The kids whined that my house only has a Nintendo Switch which is limited since I refuse to buy an online subscription. Joseph has a Switch, a PS5, an Xbox, and an Occulus 3D game system.

Last night he texted bemoaning the leaking kitchen sink and wanted a phone number for a plumber. I reminded him of a handyman’s info I gave him months ago. I also had to tell him the brand of the faucet (it was fucking expensive and I should have factored that into our divorce finances).

I know he has a massive foundation issue in the kitchen where the fridge is slowly sinking. Out of courtesy, I sent him a text letting him know the contractor we used for the renovation to use as a start to fixing the eventual disaster. Joseph never called. He’s too busy. He whined that the contractor wouldn’t willingly repair the issue anyway.

Meanwhile, I’m soaking my faucet’s head in a bag of vinegar as maintenance to remove the hard water buildup. I wash the vacuum filter once a month (Joseph has the same vacuum and I guarantee he’s never read the front that says “Wash filter once a month”). Instead of buying video game systems, I splurged on a replacement bathroom vanity for $199 last week because the existing one is from the 70s and had loads of dead bugs behind it when I bought the house.

If I could cancel the vanity order, I would.

Divorce is trading one shitty situation for another. Instead of crying daily, I cry two or three times a week. The upgrade is minimal.

I know life isn’t about stuff. It isn’t about material things. But money is needed to save up for a home closer to your kids’ future high school. It’s needed to pay bills. It’s needed if you want to pay for gas to take your kids on a road trip. It’s needed if you want to buy yourself a meal at Chick Fil A with your kids.

When will this divorce stop being a kick to my psychological nuts?