When This Pandemic Is Over, I’m Gonna…
It probably won’t be pretty.
At yet another Zoom “mixer” with friends and colleagues, the topic came up of what we all plan to do once the pandemic is reliably over.
I became deeply disappointed in my friends and colleagues. Most responses involved going to restaurants again or sending their kids off to school safely.
Meh.
What Will Likely Be Referred To One Day As “Exhibit A”
I had a very different post-pandemic list in mind. I figure I’d share it here with you:
Touch everyone’s face, whether they like it or not.
Ride a New York Subway. Maybe lick a few handrails.
Become a costumed superhero, but not a masked one. I don’t think I’d be ready for a mask again so soon.
Tell my boss what I really think of him. Get it all out in the open. Flip over a desk, and rage quit. (Okay, I think I’d have done this whether or not the pandemic was still happening.)
Go to a library. Ask for a copy of “The Best of 2020” and then shush them when they try to tell me there’s no such publication. Be escorted out by police.
Go to a buffet-style restaurant. Wear a full-body hazmat suit. Pandemic or no pandemic, those things are still germ-fests.
Handle some melons in the produce section of the grocery store…if you know what I mean.
Go to the zoo. Tease the snow leopards through the cage. Not notice the one in the tree above me.
Go to a pro wrestling match. Climb into the ring unannounced. See what happens.
Renew my gym membership — not that I’m planning to start going anytime soon. It’s just a comfort knowing the option is there and being a steady drain on my bank account.
Go to the mall. Leave without buying anything. I haven’t found anything useful at a mall in years, pandemic of no. Well… I might stop by Annie’s Pretzels for a lemonade and pretzel dog. I’m not a monster.
Go trick or treating on Halloween. Yes, I’m 54, but I feel like I really missed out last year. I think I’ll go out dressed as Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey.
Go to a coffee shop and go full-throttle hipster.
- Order an espresso and almond biscotti and take black and white pictures of both for Instagram. Otherwise, ignore.
- Noisily type beatnik poetry on an old Underwood typewriter. On onion skin paper.
- Bring a portable turntable and play nothing but Anne Murray records for the sake of irony — or because I’ve found hidden messages in the lyrics — I’ve not yet decided.
We’re All In This Together, Like It Or Not
We’ve had a rough time of it, gang. I think it’s perfectly understandable to cut loose a little when all the restrictions are lifted, and we can pretend that everything has gone back to normal.
That said, we won’t get there until everyone does their part. Maintain social distancing. Wear masks. Get vaccinated if possible.
As pandemics go, we’ve been doing pretty well, all things considered, but we could be doing a lot better.
If you’re anything like me (and why wouldn’t you be?), then you’re looking forward to this next Christmas sitting directly on Santa’s lap, looking deep into his sparkling blue eyes, taking in the mild aroma of Santa-sweat and gin, and asking him for a low-interest home refinance loan.
And a new Playstation.
To get there, though, we all need to be patient and work together.
We’ll get through this yet.
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