When The Sun Went Down Forever.

A Memoir For My Children.

The song below has a special meaning to me and is of important significance to this memoir, which is a true story from a chapter of my life that turned my world upside down.

2011 is a year I never forgot, though I can’t remember the actual date of this event. All I remember is that it was a year that the sun went down forever.

It was a year that took me back to the painful events of 1994, and 2007–2008 when I became yet another victim of abuse.

Every single day that I had you with me was a blessing. I loved you all very much, and every single day I fought hard to put things right so that you could have the life you deserved. It wasn’t enough. My past was thrown in my face when I tried speaking out, and I was revictimized and made out to be a criminal when I spoke out about the violence and abuse that tormented me from my past. I was deemed mentally ill, and you were taken from me on grounds of neglect and abuse. They do not recognize the consequences of their actions, and they do not try to protect their children from circumstances that may hurt them.

I write today in tears, as I remember trying hard to overcome the painful events of the past that finally stole you away from me for the rest of your childhood, and my parenting years.

However, parents who neglect and abuse their children do not love them. They do not strive to fight back their pain in order to look after their children the way I did.

I won’t lie, because lying is not in my best interests or yours.

I faced many struggles. I had flashbacks because of the Post Traumatic Stress I had to deal with, and I was misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by a consultant for many years.

I was told that they took you from me on grounds of abuse and neglect because at that time, there was no mental health category, and you needed to be looked after while I got myself well. Today, as I reflect back; I can understand and fully accept that I needed support and help while recovering from the torment that my past left me, and I can understand that you also needed an environment in which to grow up.

Despite this, even when I was exhausted. I made an effort to get up, clean, make food, wash, take you to school, and appointments, go on holidays, and day trips, have fun with you, take care of you when you were ill, and try to understand why you were upset.

I do know that I did do my best with what I had at that time.

Those are signs of a parent who cares about you, not signs of a parent who is abusing or neglecting you.

‘Remember, I will always love you.’

I can’t understand why the services decided to take you from me, when there was plenty of help they could have offered me to bring you up.

Your younger brother was placed for adoption when he was four years old, and my last words to him were,

I remember our holidays in Great Yarmouth on Seashore Holiday Park like it was yesterday.

Even though he is older now and I haven’t seen him for a long time, I still think of him with love. I remember his blond curls, beautiful blue eyes that turned brown over time, his cheerful laugh, and his sunny smile.

It will be a tearful moment as our house is full of memories past.

I also remember the way in which he used to run around the house singing Bob The Builder at the top of his voice. That was his favorite television show, and he used to go crazy when it was on!

I remember when all six of you were digging a big hole in the sand. I and your dad called to you to get ready to go for tea, and you shouted,

“Not yet! We’re still trying to find the sea!”

As one chapter ends, another begins. We are halfway through the middle chapters of our life, and we are ready to take our journey of healing right to the last chapter.

There are a lot of memories in this house both good and bad, but good memories are meant to be held on to forever, and that is how we get through the tears left behind by your footprints.

We are planning to move soon and start a new life.

It is painful, but sometimes you have to close an old door in order to open a new one and let new beginnings in.

Both I and your dad still love you very much.

As I write this chapter of our lives, I reflect back and I smile because I see how far we have come.

Every one of you has a lot to go through on your journey, but as The Script sang ‘ Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power.’

Cherish life and cherish those you love with all your heart, because tomorrow could be a different kind of day, and the next day always continues into a new chapter with events that unknowingly unfold in our lives.

This is one of my favorite script songs, and it is my song for all of you. It is also a song I chose to reflect where we are now.

It has been a long journey for all of us. We are still working through the pain and the heartbreak left behind from our past. However, every single one of you has been doing really well, despite working through the troubles in your mind; the debris left behind by a tormented past brought on by a heartache that I never meant for you to witness.

I know that as siblings, you all miss your brother as much as we do, and at this point we can only have good wishes for the best for him, and hope he is having the love and life that he deserves.

We must keep him in our hearts with love, until the time comes when we meet again, and we must continue to strive to better ourselves until that time arrives.

We are both proud grandparents now, and every time we see our young grandchildren growing up, we are reminded of you.

We never want to see another child or adult go through what we did, but there are lessons to be learned from a past like ours.

Originally published at https://vocal.media.