When the Misogynist Is a Woman

Misogyny has no gender

We were going to get a new principal at the school I work at. There were five of us, all women, and we were discussing possible candidates.

“X has a lot of experience,” someone said, “although he tends to get angry sometimes.”

“Yes, but what about Y,” added another, “he is good at organizing the work.”

“I don’t care who they get,” concluded one of my colleagues. “But as long as they don’t choose a woman, everything will be fine. Women are so emotional.”

Excuse me?

We all turned and stared at her in disbelief. Here was a woman we had worked with for over ten years, the mother of two daughters; someone with whom we had shared our struggles…and yet, now we had no idea what to say to her.

“What do you mean?” someone asked.

“Well, women always make choices depending on who they like or how they are feeling. They are too volatile,” was the reply.

At that moment, I looked at her. I couldn’t help but notice her use of the third person as if women were this foreign, bizarre thing she had seen from afar.

As if she weren’t a woman herself.

Yes, but men…

Then, stupidly, I fell into the trap of the war of the genders and tried to provide her with examples of men who had also been emotional when making decisions. In my defense, history does provide a good share of examples…

It was no good. She just knew that women — again, those weird creatures — cannot be trusted with big responsibilities.

The bell rang, and we all went to our classrooms. On the days to come, I found myself thinking about the whole ordeal. That’s when I remembered all the times it was a woman the one that dragged me down.

It was a woman who informed me my body was dirty and that I had to protect it from men who would try to take advantage of me. It would be my fault if they looked at me with lust, even if I was only 12.

It was a female boss the one that fired one of my coworkers when she got pregnant.

My female classmates were the ones that called me a slut for letting my boyfriend cover my neck with hickeys.

Yes, a few women have done me great damage, as have a few men.

And yet, it was also a woman the one that helped me recover my love of writing. And on my road to rebuild my self-esteem, the words of many women have been the ones that pushed me forward.

Yes, women have helped me rescue my soul. And so have many men as well.

What gives, then?

Misogyny has no gender

Could it be that misogyny does not care about the gender of the people it infects? That, perhaps, it is all about judging people’s value merely based on their gender, thus giving power to some stupid paradigms.

Many times, I have made the mistake of reading the comment sections on several feminist blog posts. The contempt against women comes from all sides.

Hey, at least in misogyny there’s some gender equality!

Still, there’s just something especially virulent when it is a fellow woman the one calling you a whore, an idiot, or telling you to disappear and die. It just stings more. “Shouldn’t she know?” we think. “Shouldn’t she understand how hard it is to be in this position?” Worst of all, these remarks give even more fodder to our current misogynistic culture that still views feminism as a threat. “See, even women think feminism is idiotic.”

What to do?

Honestly, I cannot stop wondering, am I being anti-woman by writing this post? Am I falling into some sort of vicious cycle?

I have made an effort to try to understand the reasons behind the horrible comments some women make. I guess they grew up in an environment where putting women down was the norm, in which feminism was a twisted joke that destroys families.

Still, what happened as they became adults? Didn’t they witness the inequality? Didn’t they too feel the weight of patriarchy on their shoulders?

They must have…

And yet, it made no difference. They still work hard to perpetuate these prejudices against women. They are patriarchy best weapon.

It’s there something we can do? For real?

I have tried…I have argued, presented evidence, but it’s no good. In fact, it seems that the more one tries to discuss the issue, the worse it gets. In my search for answers, I came across an article that posits the idea that:

“One possible explanation for why women endorse an ideology that obligates men to cherish and protect them — i.e. benevolent sexism — is because they believe that the social hierarchy is natural and good.”

In other words, the current patriarchal system makes them feel safe. After all, things could be way worse, right?

All I know is that this issue keeps on bugging me. I guess the only thing left to do is to engage with compassion and empathy. Yes, I get it, the natural reaction is to feel angry and defensive, but it seems clear that reacting with aggressive comments does nothing but further radicalize the very same people we are trying to reach out to. Now I wish I had tried to talk to my colleague instead of attempting the “shame on you” tactic.

No, let’s not allow this misogynistic behavior to go unchallenged, but, at the same time, let’s do our best to try to understand the human on the other side and the reasons that fuel this behavior. Let’s try to work from within instead of throwing a pile of shame on them. So far, that has proved ineffective, and we all have lost a lot in the process.

We want allies, even better, friends, not radicalized enemies.