When Spender Meets Saver. How To Manage Money When Opposites Attract

“Money can’t buy love, but it puts you in a great bargaining position” – Christopher Marlowe

We’ve heard that opposites attract. So, what happens when a ‘spender’ meets a ‘saver’?

Lisa called me saying that Tim had given her an ultimatum — he would leave her if she maxed out her credit card once more. It was the second time he was settling her debt. And he’s had enough!

Her income did not pay off her debt, and he had to bail her out once more. He made about five times what she did. He paid the bills and the mortgage. She paid for her clothes, yoga classes, gifts, and other incidentals.

They kept some of their finances separate.

Tim was frugal and kept a tight rein on his spending. This story is all too familiar — where ‘spender’ meets ‘saver.’

Opposites attract, even in their approach to money.

Risk-Taker vs. Risk-Averse

So, what do you do when you’re married to someone at the opposite end of the spectrum? Maybe yours is a situation when one of you is a risk-taker, and the other is risk-averse.

Sarah and Ethan were on the extreme sides of the risk-taker/risk-averse spectrum. She came from a financially sound home, and his family could barely make ends meet.

Ethan was very ambitious. And not afraid of taking on substantial debt if he felt there was going to be a payoff. Before meeting Sarah, he had leveraged himself and bought four homes.

Soon after their engagement, Ethan disclosed his finances to Sarah. The amount of debt he had made her sick to her stomach. Even ‘good debt’ made her uneasy.

Sarah gave Etan an ultimatum — he needed to sell the condominiums before she’d marry him. Unfortunately, this was the crash of 2008 — and, like everything else, property prices were hit.

Most couples are more comfortable revealing their bodies before revealing their finances.

When opposites attract.

Before you say “I do”,

● Openly discuss with each other your goals — goals you have as individuals and as a couple.

● Prioritize those goals. Do you want children before you can afford a home?

● You come from different backgrounds. Discuss what money means to you personally — this will shed light on your own individual relationship to money.

How did your parents manage their finances? Were they generous, cautious, or just lived for today?

● How do you feel about debt? — Just as people have different levels of risk tolerance, some people are comfortable carrying debt more than others.

● Discuss whether you want joint accounts or would prefer to keep things separate.

● How will you share the costs of running a home?

● Talk about your experiences with money.

● If you decide not to keep your finances separate, then disclose your debts, assets, and financial obligations. It is one way to get real!

● See a financial advisor you can both be happy with.

● Discuss the issue of control. How much control does each person need regarding control of household finances?

● How will you deal with conflicts around money?

● How much do you need to tell each other before making a purchase?

Conflicts Over Money

While finance appears to be a topic rarely discussed before marriage, it seems to be the main issue when couples choose to separate.

Conflicts around money are one of the leading causes of divorce, crossing all socio-economic groups. Money is a highly emotional subject connected with feelings of safety and security. And if you’re two people with different approaches to money, you’re going to have disagreements.

What happens if you have different or competing goals and values? Along with power and control, money is also a common catalyst in other marital problems. The lack of money is not the cause of conflicts, but the lack of compatibility in this area of finances creates the problem.

How transparent are you? Does your spouse know how much debt you have? How does your wife feel about money? What are your husband’s financial goals for the relationship?

As with everything else in any partnership, communication is key!

Back to Sarah and Ethan. Ethan sold three of his condominiums. And rents out one of them. They got married. And saved up an impressive down payment on their first home together.

A great resource for you and your partner is David Bach’s “Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner.”

If you’re single or are deciding to keep your finances separate, read Jen Sincero’s “You Are a Badass & You Are a Badass at Making Money 2 Books Collection Set.”

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Before setting up her own business, Jennifer Thompson was a financial advisor for over twenty years to write and coach individuals and businesses to achieve their goals in alignment with what they value. www.compelling365.com