When Someone Tells You How to Feel (Or Not Feel)

Denying feelings will hurt us, not help us

Suppose you are feeling a bundle of emotions: sadness, disappointment, loss. As friends and loved ones see you wrestle with these, they tell you, “Don’t feel that way. Brighten up.”

You may feel hurt, betrayed, or angry. “Now, don’t feel that way,” they urge.

They may have good intentions. It can be hard to watch someone grapple with difficult emotions. Yet it is terrible advice.

It shuts us down and makes us not trust these individuals. It tells us they are not a safe option for sharing emotions. If they only accept positive feelings, we can be honest with them, but only part of the time.

Leaning into the Ability to Feel Our Feelings

Emotions inform us. Despite the common sentiment that we can’t trust our feelings, they are valuable and necessary.

They protect us. If someone intentionally hurts us (or even unintentionally), we should feel pain and possibly anger. Perhaps a friend shared a private conversation with a third party. Or our spouse ignored our expressed wishes for the umpteenth time. Or a close relative left us out of a family celebration.

The resulting feeling alerts us that something is off. Our pain is a cue to think through the dynamics of the relationship, pursue a discussion, or take whatever action is appropriate. Rather than coasting, it prompts honest dialogue that makes the relationship healthier.

They reveal. Many of us experience the sudden realization: I didn’t know I felt that way! We hear about a coworker’s project and feel unexpectedly jealous. We discover we want to take that on ourselves at some point. Or we are disappointed when a connection with a friend fades. They meant more to us than we thought.

We may get praise for an accomplishment we never truly embraced. Suddenly we feel more uplifted than we expected we would. Though we didn’t know it, we needed the boost.

They get us unstuck. Examining and acknowledging our feelings can help us pursue options that fit us better. The job that has become stale and unfulfilling starts to feel claustrophobic. Maybe it’s time to look for another role or another employer.

Perhaps we feel relief when a responsibility suddenly goes away. We could have let it go sooner if we knew how we felt. A dating relationship jammed in neutral goes forward or reverses once we decide how we really feel.

Dr. Marc Brackett and Dr. Robin Stern, from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, write in their Medium article, There’s No Such Thing as a Bad Emotion:

“We challenge you to think about the emotions in your life that you have considered “negative” or bad…the ones you usually push aside, ignore, try to suppress, or hope will go away. Now ask yourself: is there another way to see these emotions? What kind of information are they providing you? What are they teaching you?”

When We Don’t Feel Our Feelings

We act out in many ways when we try to escape what we feel. Not feeling our feelings can lead us to drink more, overeat, excessively gamble, or indulge in other addictive behaviors. For a while, this may divert our attention and keep our emotions away. Years can go by with submerged feelings.

Yet these emotions bubble up to the surface at some point because they are still within us. Unless we process through them, the temporary release of activity or diversions expires. We may find ourselves with workaholic tendencies, substance abuse issues, damaged relationships, or physical symptoms from suppressing emotions.

If we numb our feelings, we may make poor choices. Logic can only take us so far. It might make sense to move three states away but not if we intend to avoid those who live near us now. Taking a higher salaried job seems wise, but the time away from our kids may be too costly. Weighing emotions into the equation helps us limit regret later.

When We Get Lost in Our Feelings

Some of us have no resistance to feeling our feelings. We can sit in positive or negative emotions without minimizing them. Yet, we stay with them too long. We go too deep and have a hard time finding our way out.

If that describes us, we can become more aware of these tendencies. We can ask: What will help us find closure or move forward? Maybe an apology or recognition that one is warranted. Perhaps, expressing our emotions in a journal or with a trusted other. If we need help sorting through our options, we can speak with a therapist.

Navigating our emotions affects all other areas of our lives, just as our physical health does. Imagine if we sprained an ankle and felt the throbbing pain. Would anyone suggest: “Don’t feel that way?”

Attending to how we feel can be just as important.

Beth Dumey writes about a variety of topics, generally revealing insights, ironies, and perceptions. She holds master’s degrees in both Communications and Counseling Psychology.