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When Some Narcissists Give You Too Much, Too Late

This toxic dance is trying to get you to fall for the promise

Photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash

I’m sure you’ve all heard the old saying “too little, too late”, but an issue that often comes up in narcissistic relationships is that they give you “too much, ‘too late.’

Although getting too much too late feels even worse in some ways than getting too little, it relates to a bigger and more uncomfortable philosophical point.

Does everyone have a price/prize?

I don’t mean a monetary price but a psychological prize, often related to what we’ve always hoped for.

The narrative.

We want our experience be the end-all be-all — a way to work through our old relationship wounds and fulfill all of our unrealistic desires and hopes in a new relationship. This all-or-nothing path is the only path in a narcissistic relationship.

In an all-or-nothing relationship, you finally recognize that no prize/price could win you back; you remain steadfast or you get out and stop maintaining false hope.

But the idea that everyone has a price/prize is how you get in these “too-little too-late” situations — and fall headlong into the game-playing tactics of a narcissistic relationship’s love-bombing diva.

His or your discard.

Hoovering means that there’s a lot of chewing and throwing; this happens throughout the relationship and in your day-to-day existence — a lot of movement back and forth. Some days are good in these relationships and the good days keep you on the hook, while other days and moments are wretched and leave you questioning what you are doing.

And just as you steel your resolve to disengage or step away, bam! Another good enough day.

The research is detailed.

Narcissistic relationships get worse and relationship satisfaction plummets over time, pretty precipitously.

These relationships are riddled with regret.

However, in every narcissistic relationship, it doesn’t matter which kind — with a partner, with a parent, or with another family member, or even in the workplace — this toxic dance takes place in various ways.

Until you bottom-out there will come a day when you will face too many big future-fake promises.

For example: “We are either calling the therapist and making an appointment, or we were taking a big vacation and working on ourselves.”

“I’m throwing away all the bottles. I’m going to stop drinking.”

I’m going to pay for this — or do that.

The thing you hoped for, wished for, and would have given anything for now shows up in the relationship. Inevitably.

It might be in the form of a promise — and let me tell you, that’s a tough day — because if you know radical acceptance at all, you know it won’t last.

It’s insensible, and it’s being done to maintain dominance and control and to keep your supply.

Photo by Andrew Itaga on Unsplash

They may offer to do something outlandish, like renew your vows on a tropical island (that’s on your bucket list).

Whatever the hell you hope for they will promise. This can even touch on our childhood fantasies that our narcissistic parent finally change and “get it” and be present — or at least stop being cruel.

It is a fantasy as a child and we understand the helplessness of a child. It But as adults, we need to recognize that this will not happen.

Falling for the promise — falling for too much — is like Charlie Brown repeatedly falling for Lucy’s football.

This too much too late love bombing should be and is extremely unsettling. This is us future-faking ourselves.

You may even enjoy the power you now feel in the relationship. They don’t want to lose you, so they will offer up anything you want. If you don’t grab the deal right away, they may even sweeten the pot and keep offering more things you want.

Don’t get too drunk on your power, though. They’re playing a game to determine your psychological price/prize. If they find out there is one, that information gives them even more power in the relationship.

Too much, too late is a dangerous juncture

You will see it when you have reached the point where you’re done with their BS. There’s still one more string that can be pulled, and perhaps you’re a big string that many people fall for. Still, if you have fallen for heavy-handed hoovering in the past, you know exactly where it ends up.

You will be back at discard before you can say “gaslight”. Everything is a negotiation and a transaction for a narcissistic person.

They aren’t offering you all you ever wanted out of empathy or because they finally see you. The awful part is that they were hearing you all these years and kept ignoring your pleas.

Now you know they heard you because they’re turning it into collateral, into currency they can use to suck you back in.

Most people don’t see it that way. Most of us want to see all the stuff they’re giving us through the lens of a child.

It’s like dutifully writing Santa Claus letters every year, and one day the damn bicycle shows up under the tree. It’s the magical thinking, the hope.

If the too much, too late hoovering is transformed into something magical in our minds, then there is the risk of getting sucked back in again, which means more time wasted, more damage done, and more self-blame each time.

Especially if they level up the hoovering — and by then, it’s usually too late.

Eventually, the attempts tend to get weaker and weaker, so if you put your foot down, set a boundary and don’t fall for anything, they may keep sweetening the pot and making it harder and harder to say no.

But ask yourself how often your trust must be breached and betrayed before you see it and stop future faking yourself. I’ve seen people return 20 times or more — but everyone has a breaking point. That point hasn’t come yet for some people — and it never will for others.

The too much, too late model is one of the hardest to walk away from.

Still, there will come a point when there are too many betrayals, too many moved goal posts, too many episodes of gaslighting, and too many broken promises. This is when you finally recognize that no matter how much is promised or offered, you will walk away with just the shirt on your back and the pride in your soul.

Please don’t fall for it! Remember it is too much, too late, and recognize that whatever goodies they dangle in front of you are all illusions.

All these factors led to Rome’s invalidation.

We know that all roads lead to invalidation, and my heart breaks when I hear the stories of people who don’t get to this point before they die.

Please don’t let that happen, and remember, walking away doesn’t always have to mean literally.

Leaving may mean that you no longer play their game. You disengage, you know you are being gaslighted, you do not wait for change, and you do your best to build a life outside this relationship if you cannot quickly leave.

I know that the relationship will still take a toll on you. Being in the presence of a toxic person always makes us sick.

I wish you good luck getting there. It’s hard to do, but once you set that boundary on your terms, as hard as it may be to walk away, it is liberating.

And it may add years to your life.

Thank you for reading until the end 🧡.

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