When self-pity gets in the way of your progress

Getting Over Self Pity

I’ve caught myself out this week…I’ve been caught behaving in a way that my higher self disapproves of, and for very good reasons. But it’s not as if I’ve become this way on purpose. Instead, it’s gradually crept up on me, quietly and stealthily and I’ve given in to the feelings it has created without so much as a minor challenge, but the time has come for getting over myself.

The frustrating thing is that in response to the feelings that this behaviour has brought about I’ve felt out of control and consequently unhappy.

You see, due to a series of less-than-positive life events, I’ve succumbed to the expectation that someone will come along and rescue me, rather than me taking the initiative and getting over my self pity. In effect, I’ve allowed myself to drift into a thought pattern that fixes me as a victim.

Self Pity and Victim Mentality

Succumbing to victim mentality is a real frustration for me. Some years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not attend my personal pity parties and instead I would find solutions to the problems and obstacles that were threatening to stop me living the life I want to lead.

There was a particular incident that led up to this promise which had affected a close member of my family. I remember thinking at the time that the situation was extremely unfair and that in the future I, or my family would no longer to ‘held hostage’ (this was how I saw it at the time) to the whims of other people or organisations.

The Self Pity Party

I still feel exactly the same now about my promise, but for some reason, over the last few weeks, I have been attending my little self-pity party and hadn’t even noticed!

Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

- Maya Angelou

I’ve been fed-up with how slowly things have been moving along and instead of taking an overview and looking for places where I could move forward, I’ve been stuck, as if under the cloud line and unable to see clearly.

The problem with self-pity and waiting to be rescued is that we abdicate the power to improve our lives to someone or something else. If only I could win the lottery… If only he still loved me… If only they would give me a chance…

The trouble is, we have no control over these if onlys.

What Can I Do?

So instead we should be looking at those areas where we do have control: What could I do to increase my income? I am lovable, it’s time to look for someone else who appreciates me for who I am. What do I need to do so that I get the chances I want? (More training, maybe?)

This is all about taking 100% responsibility for our lives. No one is going to come along and make my life easier, happier, more abundant etc. Getting over self pity and making things happen is 100% up to me.

Finding Renewed Energy

The payoff to finally emerging from this dismal self-pity party is that I’ve rediscovered my energy. My head seems to have cleared and I can see new directions which will allow me to progress my goals beyond the obstacles that have recently presented themselves.

That’s not to say that these obstacles have been overcome, indeed, there is still work to be done, but instead I can now see other areas which can be developed while I wait for the road jams in other quarters to begin to disperse.

This is often the way with problems. Sometimes we’re so focused on what we can’t do that we become blind to those things we could be getting on with.

Making Progress

Our journey to our goals is multi-dimensional, so, whilst one area might slow or stall, we sometimes need to just change focus for a little while and look for things that we can progress at that moment. I sometimes see this in my mind as series of lines, some short some long.

The length of the line represents the distance I have travelled on that particular task. Since I have many tasks to carry out in order to achieve my goals, there will be many lines. If one line (task) stalls or stops for a time, then I can look to what other lines (tasks) are falling behind and see what I can do to move them forward.

Sound simple?

Of course, the concept is, but living this kind of clarity day-in, day-out requires vigilance. We must regularly check in with our feelings and confirm to ourselves that our actions are actually in alignment with our values. And that’s the trick which can help to keep us on course.

The Importance of Value Alignment

When we’re not behaving in line with our values, we will feel a level of discontentment. This was the crux of my discontent and the reason only I could get over my self pity.

When we have feelings of dissatisfaction or strong feelings of unhappiness, without really knowing why, spending a little time in introspection to understand where we’re out of alignment with our values may help to surface the underlying issues.

Then the sooner we can find the perpetrator and take remedial action to amend our behaviour (or our perceptions about the situation) the sooner we can get back on course.

So what about you? Are you waiting to be rescued or will you take back control and rescue yourself? Both behaviours are difficult but for very different reasons.

Having languished in the former camp for a few weeks, I’m very happy to be back in the driving seat of my life. And, whilst I still have to wait (patiently ;) ) for things to move along in some of the slower areas, I’m not going to let this result in a total breakdown in all areas of my life.

I’d love to hear your experiences of running into roadblocks and how you’ve managed. Did you run out of steam for a while, hoping that someone or something would come along and save the day? How did things turn out for you? Over to you!