When Relationships Fail (2 of 3)
Our Divorce Courts Are So Busy that it Sometimes Takes a Long Time to Get Things Resolved. The Strain Can Be Gruesome.
Why Do So Many Relationships Fail?
There are several lists of reasons why relationships, and especially marriages fail. One list I saw contained 25 reasons. Many such lists have 12–15 reasons.
Personally, I like an 8-reason list: part of it I wrote and part of it I borrowed. It’s easier to digest than 12, 15, or 25 reasons, and it covers most problems.
1. Financial and debt problems
2. Infidelity and Adultery
3. Different expectations and failed expectations
4. Physical or emotional abuse
5. Changes in needs, priorities, and goals
6. Lack of communication and commitment
7. Addictions: most often booze and drugs
8. Laziness and a refusal to change
Most of these don’t require any comment. But I will comment on two of them — the first one and the last one — because they are so frequent. Plus, they are so polarizing in so many relationships.
(1) Financial problems. Before the 1960s, a family could most often exist on one person working outside the home: usually the man. Starting in the 1960s both must usually work, and often two incomes aren’t enough. Of course when both work there can be competition, comparisons, and envy, which cause strife. This especially became true with the ‘women’s lib movement.’ Plus there is so much less time for family bonding (number 6: communication and commitment). This is true when both come home tired, plop down in front of the T.V., and neither wants to talk to the other.
(8) Laziness and a refusal to change. There is a line from a song from the old musical ‘Oklahoma.’ It says, “Take me like I am or leave me be.” So many people have this philosophy about life: “If you don’t like it, lump it” — “It’s my way or the highway.” Very few relationships can exist with this type of attitude for a long duration. Some people are so unwilling to change and are so lazy, they won’t even screw the top back on the toothpaste, or pick their dirty socks up off the floor. Most people can tolerate this for a season, but not forever. Many say, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Therefore, bad habits only tend to escalate and not decrease. We tend to exploit our differences, develop even more bad habits, and antagonize each other.
John Denver’s Song Speaks to This
This is from John’s song, “Different Directions.”
Two different directions, too many different ways One always wants to work things out, the other one wants to play Too ready for changes, too much that just can’t wait When you are moving in different directions, true love can turn to hate. If opposites attract each other, what’s the reason for? One being like an open window, one just like a closing door!
It’s true in too many relationships: by the time one is willing to start working on their differences, the other person has ‘got up and went,’ at least in an emotional sense.
And once the emotion is gone, the motivation is quick to follow. I counseled many a client who said there was no longer any motivation to keep or repair the marriage, and that their emotional commitment had long since left.
The Proverb tells us, “As we think in our heart, so are we.” What we do, on the outside, always begins with how we think and what we believe inside.
The Tone of My Song Is After the Divorce
I quoted the first part of this song, “I Wish You Well,” in part one. Here is the rest of it. It speaks to the attitude people should have in a failed relationship: if a relationship must end, here is how it should end.
We had so much but gave it up It seemed like we had nothing to gain We loved so much, the two of us But the love we knew was not all in vain.
Thank you so much For your gentle touch upon my life For the feel of you so near I wish you well.
I wish you well, more than I can tell More than you’ll ever know I loved you so And I wish you well.
