When Pregnancy Becomes A Trial For Friendship

One woman becomes pregnant and the other is not. It’s a difficult experience and a dilemma.

I t was a Thursday evening when I wanted to tell my close friend something great: I was pregnant. But these words were to become a trial for our friendship.

I am not the type of woman who wanted anything more than to start a family

I must confess that I am not the type of woman who — even in my girlish days — wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family. I’m sure this has a lot to do with my parents’ early divorce. As a child, seeing how your loving parents suddenly became two people who were constantly at war with each other, and only seeing your father for a few hours every two weeks, left its mark on me.

Then one day, I met ‘the one’ completely unexpectedly. We approached it a relaxed manner and the topic of marriage was not present until my boyfriend proposed to me about three years ago. But by then, I was ready because I had finally built up trust in a man I was in love with.

Then one day, I met ‘the one’ completely unexpectedly.

Even with the wedding, my thoughts were all about us as a couple. Very rarely did I think about having children. My focus, and that of my husband, was more on professional development, traveling, hiking, excursions, and togetherness.

Two years is still a long time in which a lot can happen

One day, my husband suddenly declared he was now ready for a child. He had reached a point where he had achieved enough for himself, and we would earn enough to be able to support a child.

But not only professionally, and financially, he was also ready mentally. I was very surprised. But when I learned from the gynecologist that it could take up to two years for a woman to get pregnant naturally, I thought to myself: okay, two years is still a long time in which a lot can happen. For example, I wanted to travel to Florida, hike the Zugspitze, and take the next step on my career ladder.

It can take up to two years for a woman to get pregnant naturally.

Everything can, nothing has to

It was probably exactly this relaxed attitude based on the motto ‘Everything can, nothing has to’ that was just right for me, because quite often I overthink things.

One month later, I was already holding the pregnancy test in my hands and really couldn’t believe it. I was completely caught off guard. After all, I had expected it to last longer and I was just about to take my next career step.

It was this relaxed attitude based on the motto ‘Everything can, nothing has to’ that was just right for me. One month later, I was already holding the pregnancy test in my hands. I was completely caught off guard.

I wanted to tell my close friend about the pregnancy

Besides my family, there was one other person I wanted to tell the news to a very close female friend of mine.

We had been through some ups and downs together in our professional lives and we also had a good understanding of our families. Unfortunately, she hadn’t lived near me for more than three years but had moved away to build a new professional future and family elsewhere.

Whenever we had met and talked in the past, even in times when we were both single, her enduring dream was to have a child. During our most recent walks, now as wives, she told me about her attempts to get pregnant. Again and again, she looked for reasons for her childlessness.

Was it the sometimes exploitative working world? Was it the big city, whose noise in the morning drove her crazy and with which one could never relax? Was it the family that regularly drove her to distraction?

At that time, I listened to her impartially when she talked about her family plans. I felt sorry for her and encouraged her to move if it was her heart’s desire and to seek happiness in another place and a new job.

I felt sorry for her and encouraged her to move if it was her heart’s desire and to seek happiness in another place and in a new job.

So now, after more than a year, we were to meet again. She wanted to come back to her old hometown and suggested that we meet on a Thursday evening.

How should I tell her about my pregnancy?

Even before the meeting, I wondered about how I should tell her that I was pregnant. I recalled our conversations in my head, where she always emphasized that it would just take time, surely soon the curse would be broken and they still had time to become parents.

Maybe my friend is also pregnant, I thought. That would be great! But if they haven’t gotten pregnant yet, how do I approach the conversation? My husband said that if it was a real girlfriend, I could tell her about our surprising news without being afraid of her reaction.

We met in a restaurant that evening. The mood was good. We talked about the past, her life in her new favorite place, family problems, jobs, and vacations — common ground.

I hesitated for a long time before announcing the news to my friend and her husband. As I described my feelings, I noticed how my counterpart’s facial expressions and gestures changed. Her husband suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She asked little to nothing about my pregnancy. They congratulated us only briefly.

I noticed how my counterpart’s facial expressions and gestures changed.

My friend was suddenly in a hurry to leave, or so we felt. They left us with our joy, which I was not allowed to give free rein to, and our worries, which we would have liked to discuss, went undiscussed.

It was supposed to be an honor

They had been the first ones we had told that we were pregnant after the first trimester was over. It was supposed to be an honor.

My emotions, already doing somersaults because of the pregnancy, went into overdrive. I felt nauseous. Thoughts circled in my head. Did I say something wrong? Shouldn’t I have said anything at all? How is my girlfriend now? Did she cry?

My emotions, already doing somersaults because of the pregnancy, went into overdrive.

When I got up the next morning, I threw up immediately, having been so emotionally involved and moved by the evening. So I wrote to my friend a message and confronted her directly with my feelings. I waited hour after hour. No answer came, even days later.

After a week, she answered me.

In her message, my speculations were confirmed. She had congratulated me on my pregnancy out of politeness, but she had been shocked. She also did not like the way I had told her about my pregnancy. She would have expected more compassion from me and so on. It was a dilemma.

My husband pointed out that no matter how I had told her, it would have hurt her feelings.

More messages from me followed, in which I justified myself, apologized, and explained my situation. But at some point, I had had enough. I was the pregnant one and I was supposed to take care of myself. I had especially wanted to tell her first because she meant so much to me and I loved her.

I wanted to help her process, so I asked her if the way she blamed me and felt so offended didn’t show how deep the pain of childlessness was for her. The fact that it hadn’t worked out for her made her vulnerable as if she was walking around with an open wound. For a long time, I had felt this tension of hope and disappointment when we met. But maybe I expected too much from her to be able to share her feelings about the situation at that time. Everybody has personal limits.

The fact that it hadn’t worked out for her made her vulnerable as if she was walking around with an open wound.

More than half a year has passed — without a word

In the six months leading up to the birth of our baby, she wrote to me only twice, I believe only out of politeness. I wrote back with little content so she wouldn’t feel attacked. With the birth approaches, it became apparent that she preferred not to hear anything by simply not writing or calling at all. I accepted that and wanted to give her time and space.

When our baby finally arrived, I informed my girlfriend about it factually and sent a picture. Back came only a short message. No card or a small welcome gift. Ultimately, I also tolerated this and tried to understand her perspective by trying to imagine how it would be for me.

Now more than half a year has passed. Without a word.

Her message

A few days ago, a message came from her. She would like to tell me something and talk to me on the phone.

I hope for my friend that it is what I think! When we will talk on the phone together after this long time, I would like to hold back and only listen to her. I want to congratulate her from the bottom of my heart, encourage her for the next few months, and be there for her.

Wrapping Up

Pregnancy and fertility are intimate topics and not easy to give general advice on. What can I recommend to handle a friendship when pregnancy comes in between? Be mindful. Be sensitive to what may not be spoken. Give your friend time and space and be there when she needs you again.

I truly believe there is an opportunity for our dilemma to have a positive ending.

My friend has been through a very difficult time; through a personal crisis.

I look forward to us continuing to be friends and pushing our strollers around together in our shared journey of life. Despite this little hiatus in our friendship, I won’t bring up our dilemma from the past unless she approaches me.

Because one thing is as certain as the sleepless nights:

Without friends, the times of pregnancy, birth, and getting to know your baby would only be half as nice and twice as exhausting.

Take care.

Best, Kristina