When Poverty is the Elephant in the Room
The awkwardness of income inequality
There’s a story I once shared with my wealthy in-laws. Here it is:
Years ago, on a hot summer day, I took my four-year old daughter to an ice cream stand. As we stood in line waiting for our turn, I said to her,
“I don’t have very much money so we’re just getting cones.”
“Just cones?” she asked, upset.
“Yes,” I said. “Just cones.”
“Not even any ice cream?” she cried.
I waited for a polite chuckle from the in-laws. I thought I had shared a cute story about how literal kids are. I probably have a dozen stories of when I had to clarify things for my preschooler who had a phase when she took everything she heard literally. (She once stared at me in confusion when I used the phrase “awful pretty.”)
So not only did I not get a laugh that day from my audience, but my story was met with an awkward silence. My in-laws were clearly uncomfortable with this evidence of my past poverty.
My ice cream cone story drew attention to something they may not have known about me — there was a time when I was a “have-not.” My in-laws are clearly in the “haves” camp. Its true that in my daughter’s early years money was tight. So tight that it impacted a decision at the ice cream stand.
My in-law’s reaction should not have come as a surprise. It wasn’t the first time that my story had been met with this uncomfortable quiet. In fact, my experience was — the wealthier the listener, the louder the crickets.
I think my in-laws were embarrassed and that wasn’t my intention at all. I wasn’t completely sure if my story made them feel sad or if somethings else was at play. It felt like perhaps their discomfort came from what my story revealed about the difference between my income and theirs. Maybe it was about our income inequality.
Why does income inequality make some people so uncomfortable and why does it matter?
First of all, what is income inequality?
Basically, it’s the gap between money earned by the richest people in an economy compared to the poorest people.
The gap in wealth between the richest and poorest people in America more than doubled from 1989 to 2016 according to the Pew Research Center.
“I consider income inequality the most dangerous part of what’s going on in the United States.” Alan Greenspan, Former Chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve
The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that the U.S. has the highest level of income inequality among the G7 countries.
There are a lot of reasons income inequality exists. At the time of the ice cream cone story I was newly divorced and just getting by as a single parent. I didn’t have a choice but to be a penny-pincher. The difference between getting an ice cream cone and a hot fudge sundae mattered.
We were talking about a couple of dollars, roughly the price of a can of soup. That may not be a lot of money to most people. But some of our meals back then were centered around a can of soup.
“Anyone who has struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor.” James Baldwin
It wasn’t until I heard my story through my in-law’s ears that I really thought about income inequality rearing its ugly head in everyday conversation. It is an uncomfortable topic because it points out a core difference in status.
I spent some time thinking about how I could make my in-laws more comfortable with the fact that I used to be low-income. But then I decided that wasn’t my job. I had to make sure that I felt good about myself. I could choose to stop telling the story, but I wasn’t going to do that.
I didn’t feel any shame over my forced frugality. I can’t say that I felt “poor” either. Money is tight for lots of people, even those at a much higher income level than mine.
It isn’t how much money we have that matters — it’s how we feel about it. Being poor and feeling poor are not the same thing. And they shouldn’t be. We have to be able to call on our own self-worth if we want to escape the stigma of poverty.
People can’t “make” you feel a certain way. Except for maybe the walk of shame airlines make us endure when we trudge through first class on our way to our assigned seat in the steerage section known as “coach”.
“If you want to improve your self-worth, stop giving someone else the calculator.” Tim Fargo
How should we react when this issue of income comes up and there is an imbalance? Acknowledge it and accept it. Try not to let it drive a wedge in the conversation. You can treat it as an opening for a deeper discussion.
It’s also important to stop and realize we can’t read minds. When you are feeling judged, maybe that’s not what’s really going on. Sometimes other people simply don’t know what to say. Keep your own thoughts in check. If we think other people are being judgmental of us, maybe the truth is we are the ones being judgmental.
Remind yourself that nobody’s opinion matters but your own. Don’t compare yourself to others. Avoid the failure that comes with viewing ourselves in relation to others. Be happy with the path you are on. Accept yourself as you are.
“Seeing yourself through the eyes of others is a losing strategy. It leaves you blind to yourself. It gives your identity over to others to define who you are.” Donnalynn Civello
You’re the only one that can make you feel better about yourself. Adjust your thoughts — replace negative thoughts with positive, constructive ones. Stick up for yourself within yourself.
These days I am fortunate enough not to have to pinch pennies so firmly. I value my experience with poverty. It left me with an appreciation of, and gratitude for, all that I have. It also gave me the gift of empathy for other people that live below the poverty line. And the ability to push through the awkwardness of income inequality.
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